Did it again... [Archive] - The Wench.Org Forums

AllieSutherland

01-11-2003, 01:02 AM

Okay, girlfriends... I, too, caught the "messed up relationship" bug...

*sigh*

I should have known.

Long story short, there was a man whom I was (and have been, and still am) attracted to, and he to me. After a while (and recently, within the past week), the infamous "L" words were exchanged. No wonder it's the least known of the REALLY BAD four-letter words...

Since this was said, we have had once good phone call, and one good IM, which occurred about a week ago. It's been a busy week, granted, with me travelling back to KY and he starting work again after vacation... but... since that night, I've heard nothing; no e-mail, no phone calls, no nothing. I have attempted to reach him to no avail.

I think it's happened again... left high and dry, and I don't understand what happened. During the last convo, things were going SO well... and it's weird to hear NOTHING suddenly.

It hurts. I wish to God it didn't. What hurts is not knowing WHY I am suddenly hearing nothing. I even sent an e-mail asking him to just contact me if he is having doubts, etc.

I care about him very, very much... and yes, I do love him.

Any suggestions/help?

(I know the big one in my mind right now... stay away from love. :P *tongue in cheek. ;)*

XOXOXOX
Allie

Bonnie

01-11-2003, 02:32 AM

I am sooooo sorry.

I know how this can and does hurt. I went through it recently myself, although I spared myself admitting I loved the guy. (I did, but that's beside the point)

give it time, and as much as it may kill you, you probably ought not call him again....let him hide in his cave for a good while. Maybe he just got weirded out, and will be back when he settles his head.

I wish I could answer your question. Take it easy.

daBaroness

01-11-2003, 10:52 PM

OK ... this is me, the old broad with more advice and opinions than any one ought to have. My advice on this one? I don't have a frelling clue. Nope, nada, none, zippo, zero. It's a situation that's baffled me ad nauseum ... I mean for years (seeings how I'm nearing 47 now). The only things I have to say are maybe the fact most women have been through this (more than once) is somehow comforting to know you're not alone in your bafflement, puzzleation, heartache, and downright asshole-puckering frustration. OR maybe we can chalk it up to a SERIOUS flaw in the male gene.

:withstup:

da Baroness

Tink

01-13-2003, 12:03 AM

Sweetie.....I TOTALLY sympathize with you as I have LONG suffered this very same affliction for YEARS.

I have had SO many "men" (using the term loosely here...) tell me they loved me, then run for the hills. I've had them tell me they loved me, have me meet their parents and run. I've had them tell me they love me, meet their parents AND talk about a future together, type of house, location, kids, etc.....and then run for the hills!!

I have YET to understand it. I can only speculate and let me tell ya....THAT can drive you NUTS.

Perhaps, they are afraid of it. Plain and simple. Suddenly the word love comes up and they start picturing the whole enchilada:

Picking out a ring, picking out a date, picking out a catering hall, florist, you in a white dress, buying a house, having kids...it comes at them in a hyper-speed movie, their whole life flashing before their terrified eyes....they suddenly see themselves, no longer dating, no longer getting girls, they see themselves as a husband, you pregnant, themselves in the delivery room, baby's first word, step, day of school, graduation, college, their wedding, grandkids!!!...oh my god....."I'm and old man" and they FREAK OUT. :shock:

And they bolt....not neccessarily because they don't love you, but they are afraid of what loving you means.

He may need time to adjust to the idea. He may eventually contact you to try and sort it out or he may very well keep running.

Then there are the ones who are just assholes and say it to get in your pants. And that's the sad, true short of it for those jerks. Good riddance.

I hope that this guy does do you the decency of calling you...even if it is to say he isn't ready. I know how much it sucks to just be left hanging with no explaination or word at all.

BIG HUGS and I hope it turns out ok.....even if ok means you're not with him and OK with that.

I tend to take things from movies and TV I see....tonight I watched the JFK Jr story and when he proposed to Carolyn Bisset, he said something so profound and sweet to her:

"The moment I met you I suddenly realized why it never worked out with anyone else...It was because they were not you."

How awesome is that? AND it is so profoundly true.....there is a right person for us out there. When one relationship ends, it is so that when the right person comes along for us....we will be free to take them in.

Another gem I try to keep in mind........Every person we meet comes into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Perhaps this guy falls into the reason or season catagory.....lifetime was not what he was meant to be for you.....

Belladonna

01-13-2003, 07:59 AM

Who said the "L" word first?

If you did, then possibly he got scared cause he's either not quite there yet (even if he said it afterwards. men have a habit of doing that as sort of a deer in the headlights, how can i get out of this without looking like a complete f*ck response) -or- he might very well have those feelings, but wasnt ready to "go there" yet. Right now he might be assessing the situation to see what his true feelings are for you.

If he said it first, then it could very well be a "oh-my-gods-i-cant-believe-i-just-blurted-that-out" reaction, and hes probably just assessing the situation to see what he can do next.

Ladye Robyne

01-13-2003, 12:39 PM

OMG!!!!
I can really post again!!!!
I have been a lurker for so long....(long story, not worth the read!)
Back on the subject!
I went through a similar situation and I can really sympathize with all of the emotions! Putting yourself on the line and hanging out there all bare and vulnerable....Ahhhhh!!!!! My guy was overcome by the intensity of the moment...When he heard THE "L" word come out of my mouth he wasn't sure he was ready for it...It took nearly a month before I heard from him again and it was a good thing. We have never ceased to care for each other and we feel freer to tell each other we love each other...The relationship never actually went wherever we both thought it would but, we do truly love each other yet, even though our lives went separate paths he has a part of my heart I don't regret giving and I'm so glad for the reciprocation of same from him. I learned a long time ago to not be afraid to say the "L"...how else are you gonna find out? and not have any regrets over leaving it unsaid?! Just my twopence worth!!! it feels great to be back...missed everyone!

Belladonna

01-13-2003, 12:55 PM

Ladye Robyne said:
"...how else are you gonna find out? and not have any regrets over leaving it unsaid?!"

Because sometimes, just sometimes, you truly cant tell someone how you really feel.

Pearl_Fox

01-13-2003, 03:18 PM

This is one of "those" questions for me. I have had simular experiences but the other way around :oops: . The guy was always the one to say the L-word and I would get scared and want to bolt. It isn't that I don't want love, I do very much; but I wasn't ready at the time. (I was 15 the first time I had a boyfriend say he loved me.) Though I have had it happen to me as well, I would tell the guy that I loved him and next thing I know, he is unreachable or just tells me it was a mistake and we break up.
Right now, I am completely single, and actually, as hard as it is for me to do so I admit it :oops: , I like being single. I would like to have a boyfriend again, but I understand :idea: that at this point I am not ready for a commitment. I will be turning 23 on Wednesday of this week and I have my whole life to live, plus school to finish up before I will be ready to settle down. But that is only my opinion today, tomorrow I might meet this really great guy and begin dating him and become ready for commitment. That's just life.
As for the male pyschi, I don't know why they bolt, or seem to. It may be because they are scared. The only ones that know for sure are the men themselves.
Advice? Well you've already called and emailed him, so now it's his turn. If he doesn't get back with you in awhile (how ever long that is for you) then do what you think is best. Write or call him one more time, or not.
In all actuallity all you can do is hope, pray, wish, and wait... the answer will come, it always does. Though sometimes it is not the answer that is wanted.
But it's always good to have friends to count on and rant to. :grouphug:

Simoriah

01-14-2003, 03:22 AM

:sigh:

Allie, I know all too well the heartache you're enduring. It can be absolutely gut wrenching when faced with nothing but ambiguity.

Care to hear my tale? May I warn you that it's a bit harsh.

I had a male "friend" (I use the term loosely now) who initally helped me with some work around my abode. He wouldn't take money, just dinner and a brew or two. When the construction work was done, he started helping me with other projects, to the point where he was actively looking for things to do and volunteering for whatever came up. If I asked him out, he'd choke on his liver, but still he would come over. My heart was screaming that he liked me, but the brain wasn't sure yet. Then I made a mistake I'd regret to this day. We slept together. After that happened, I got nothing but the blowoff and dead silence. Even though I longed to hear from him, I gave up realizing I just tossed a 5-year friendship into the crapper. I was absolutely crushed.

Last July he started talking to me out of the blue again. I felt that someone heard my desperate cries to talk to him and they granted me my wish. It was like old times, except the chats were much steamier shall we say. He wanted to see me again, and had made plans. The first time, he called to tell me he was in a car accident, and couldn't make it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt (in the past, he was pretty good about calling and letting me know if there were problems). We made plans again, and he totally blew me off!!! I was so angry, that I cried. He did this once before when I really needed help after that 'incident' and it brought back some major pain). :cry:

I continued talking to him online as it was the only way he'd communicate with me. He's now made arrangements to get together a THIRD time and I won't believe he's coming over until I see him on the doorstep. I have yet to predict what his motive is for playing this little game of his, be it intentional or not. It could be b.c. he's immature, he's terrified of a commitment, he's madly in love with me and is afraid of rejection (I don't see how he could get that impression) or he ceases to see me as a person and only a piece of meat.

It's hard to know what a man's motive is for doing this....my advice: If it continues, forget about him. I know it's going to be hard as heck to do this, but I realized that letting go will cause you less pain than holding on and wondering. I found this out too late and I put myself and others close to me through a lot of grief and misery. If you let him go and he comes back, then it's meant to happen. If not, then move on, as The Universe has something better in store for you.

My guy only has one shot left, and if he botches his saving throw, he's going to get nailed to a tree. People shouldn't be playing high school games at our age.

Regards,

Simoriah

jillian

01-14-2003, 02:48 PM

Tink

01-14-2003, 10:03 PM

I've been there, too, and if you ask me, I think these guys leave because they figure out they're not good enough for us and they can't bring themselves to admit it.
:snicker: "Yup!"

Jillian

Before you meet your handsome prince you have to kiss a lot of toads.

Jillian.....all snickering aside......I honestly believe there to be truth in what you said. A few months ago, I just decided that I must scare the HELL out of men because I know I am an awesome girlfriend and would make an awesome wife. I think the men can see a future with me and since they are just not at all ready for committment or to get married (or so they've convinced themselves...) they run from me like a rabbit from a pack of hounds.

I don't say that to be conceited. I say it because I refuse to let their running lower my esteem and self-worth. I think it is HIGH time that we women believe in ourselves and not let these men make us feel like we don't measure up, just cause they choose to pass us up.

Dmitri

01-15-2003, 02:02 PM

Now where the frell were all of you when my first wife ran off and i was single...

jeez...

Tink

01-15-2003, 04:00 PM

Now where the frell were all of you when my first wife ran off and i was single...

jeez...

Don't know about the other ladies, but I was prolly somewhere between morbidly single and unfortunately (and I mean unfortunate as in I never should have been. let alone even dated the guy.....) engaged being sucked dry of my paychecks........ :lol:

Bean

01-15-2003, 08:47 PM

Tink:

I agree with you about being one hell of a woman and too much for men to handle. Most men will say they LOOOOVE independent women, until we assert our independence. Those are the ones that want the nice, docile arm candy to take home to mama to plan the wedding.

Hopefully, through the rules of Darwinism, men will eventually become smarter..... until then we must be strong and stick to our guns regarding what we want out of life!

Betsy

AllieSutherland

01-16-2003, 12:44 AM

First of all, THANK YOU, each and every one of you, for the support. It's been a really hard week, and not even because of this situation.

The saga continues... GUESS WHO PM'ed ME TONIGHT?!?!?!!

Hmmm...

"I was just wondering if you were there..."

Wonder, wonder, I say. FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF, BIG GUY.

Bitter? Perhaps a bit. I should be, though... love isn't a word that I throw out meaninglessly, ever. That is a BIG no-no in my book. Sure, he may have excuses, and sure, there may be reasons... and even good ones at that. However, while I am willing to listen, I don't know if I will (or even want to) accept "excuses" if they're offered. If "love" was so strong, I suspect it would have nudged him to find some means of contacting me in two weeks. I know it would have (and did) in my situation. Maybe he was in his cave... and that was fine. I just wish he'd thought enough of me and what I might have been feeling/going through to give me a "Thinking... be back in a few" or something similar. I'm admittedly struggling to stay open-minded if he chooses to talk, but no so "open-minded" that I become blind to how this situation has made me feel in the past weeks.

I agree with Tink and with other arguments. I AM A HELL OF A GAL. He even made that statement himself, and I think there is a great deal of truth to the thought that men are scared of women that might be "too good" for them. Sound conceited? I don't mean it to be, but I am proud of who I have grown into... a beautiful, strong, independent, funny, and passionate woman. If you want those "extras" on a car, you have to "pay" out the wazoo... and to get a special gal, well, there are little extras in the care and handling of her. I'm not talking material goods... I'm simply saying that I deserve and EXPECT things like loyalty, honesty, devotion, a certain amount of sacrifice where needed, and unconditonal love. I will not settle for less, because I did for FAR too long, and these are the things that I bring into a relationship.

So, how will the saga unfold? Who knows. I'll keep you posted, but I'm not really as concerned as I was. This has been a tough week; my grandma is ill physically and with Alzheimer's, and we had to put her in a nursing home this week. It made me realize just how much I HAVE in my life, and all that I hold precious. No man can or will ever make me feel like less than I am, whether intended or not... because I've learned that I have a hell of a lot in what makes me "me." It saw me through this week, and it can and will see me through nearly everything.

I love you all... :) XOXOXOX
Allie

Bean

01-16-2003, 11:38 AM

clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap.. ....

A round of applause for the lady!!!!

Betsy :)

Dmitri

01-16-2003, 02:08 PM

AS strong a word as "love" is... "Hate" is stronger...

Wench Shaelyn

01-17-2003, 11:48 PM

Go find a big stick, at least six inchs around.

Get a nice sharpie and write "Men are stupid" on it.

Find the male, and beat him within about two inchs of his life.

*Grins and hugs* Just trying to cheer you up. Not to sound bad, but things honestly do happen for a reason I believe.

Two other famous words: Speed Bump!

Keep hopeful!

Belladonna

01-19-2003, 11:05 PM

Shaelyn said:

Go find a big stick, at least six inchs around.

Get a nice sharpie and write "Men are stupid" on it.

Find the male, and beat him within about two inchs of his life.

Then obviously we arent talking about festival men here, since most all of them I know in some way shape or form compete in combat....hence they CONSTANTLY get beaten.....

Wait....

Maybe that's the problem......

AllieSutherland

02-18-2003, 04:21 AM

Okay, fellow sisters... I have to post juicy events... and maybe get some input.

I ran into him tonight, quite by chance... and approached him about the situation.

We began talking, and he was very forthright with me.

He lied to me about his age (by ten years, told me he was 27 instead of 37), and that he is separated (and has been for six months), rather than single/having never been married. His soon-to-be ex doesn't live with him, though. He said it scared him to realize that he DID love me and that he loved me as much as he did, "that this kind of love could/did happen."

None of these things would have bothered me or changed my mind, had he been honest and forthright in the FIRST place... just as long as the marriage was pending divorce, because I don't want to wreck a marriage.

Anyway, that's how all this was "covered up" to me.

However, I'm not thrilled about the lying... and understandably so. I told him this.

He apologized, and I believe he was being genuine. He sais that he was taken aback by his feelings, and the fact that he lied to me. He said that he lied about his age because he thought that, at 26, I'd have nothing to do with him with his age being 37. He seems to feel "old."

He says he lied about marital status because he, again, didn't think a never-married 26 year old would want anything to do with a divorced man. There are no kids. The marriage is definitely over from his side, according to him.

I told him I forgive him, which doesn't "excuse" what was done, but because I don't want to harbor ill feelings toward him. I don't like what was done, but I know that we all make mistakes, and I appreciated the apology.

BUT, to add the juicy (and annoying twist)

His soon to be ex, as we have found out through discussion, has sent me random messages and e-mails, posing as him, in efforts to gain some info. She got none, because I was not ready to "talk" with him (although it was her, and not him).

Anyway, we talked for a good hour and a half. I'm confused. I need time to think about all this, and I PLAN to take it. I'm not thinking about (or concerned about) the romantic angle in all this... I guess I just need to get past the fact that he lied... maybe we both can, and must become friends again before anything else can happen, IF it happens.

I'm just confused as hell re: why he lied in the first place... and why he retreated to the man-cave instead of talking to me.

He says he wrote me an "apology" e-mail, but I never got one.

Sometimes, it is just so damned hard to TRUST... :( *sigh*

but, thanks for your love, your shoulders, and your ears. (((hugs)))

XOXOXOXOX
Allie

Belladonna

02-18-2003, 07:12 AM

Wait....if the ex is out of the picture, the how'd she get your email?

emalia

02-18-2003, 07:50 AM

Good Question Bella.. It was the same one that popped into my head.

Mairi the Herbwench

02-18-2003, 11:14 AM

I'm sorry you've had such a rough week - and you are one hell of a woman and deserving of someone who can appreciate everything that you are. Best of luck and many hugs to you! :grouphug:

Ariyana Dragonwagon

02-18-2003, 11:28 AM

see the how did she get access to his email and his passwords etc.. has me wondering too... especially if he did not start this relationship until AFTER they seperated.. there should be no way for her to have access to that stuff.

Now if they were still living togther, yes, or if they had kids even so they would possibly be in each other's homes...

Of course giving the benefit of the doubt perhaps he is using the same email and Im as he ahd before the marriage ended I suppose she could have already known them but.. you would think he would start a new one after leaving his wife.... at least for more personal stuff!!!

Allie , hon, you know we are all here for you, and we love you!! You are our sister, and we are family..... (resisting urge to break out in song.. don't even like that one all that much. sigh)

{{{{{{HUG ALLIE}}}}}}}}

Ari

AllieSutherland

02-18-2003, 01:11 PM

Thank you again, guys, for all your support and help... (((hugs))).

He told me that she had been hacking into his messenger and e-mail accounts (from her own computer), figuring out the password, then changing it. Because she "changed" the passwords on him, he finally realized that she had been in his accounts (and I enlightened him about a few things that had been written under his name, such as don't ever call here, don't write, etc... even though it had only been a couple times that I did ever since his retreat into the man-cave, but these were never timed when I DID actually call (so I don't think she had access to his caller ID or anything). It's brilliant to change someone's password so they can't get into their own accounts (duh)... I think she probably DOES want to be caught. It sure doesn't sound over from her end though. One thing I cannot deal with in a relationship is a stalking, ever-present ex (if anything ever develops with him and me again). He seemed to be very upset by what was written in his name, and I believe him... he said he was going to put an end to it and confront her about it.

I told him that he might want to get some more obscure passwords... duh!!!. ;)

Now, if I could only have a long-standing contract with the lie-detector guy from "Meet My Folks." ;) I may have to carry one around with me! :)

Thanks again, guys... I love ya. ;)

XOXOXOXOXO
Allie

Belladonna

02-18-2003, 01:28 PM

Now see that still bugs me though, cause unless your really good at hacking, there is no way she would be able to get into his accounts. I've had relationships where Ilived with the person, and he never knew my passwords. I knew his cause well, he's that predicatable to me, but never theo ther way around.

Something doesnt fit right here. At least to me.

emalia

02-18-2003, 01:38 PM

It is still possible that the account is shared and if her name is on the account at all, she has a right to change the password to the account. Also, he could still just be plain predictable.

I hope that it all works out for you Allie, big hugs and put the positive cap on. Once is forgivable, twice is gone! =) Keeps your eyes open, don't look to catch him, but if it happens, call him on it immediately! This won't give him an out, but he will be unprepared.

Tink

02-18-2003, 02:49 PM

I hate to be the cynic here....BUT

I don't believe his bullcrap story about her being able to hack his computer. Unless she is some sort of computer wiz, I don't see it being plausible at all.

I also don't like the lying....10 years is a BIG lie. Being married is EVEN BIGGER. I don't care that they're allegedly seperated...HE LIED.

I know it is hard when you love someone to be unbiased about them and to not forgive them and believe what they tell you. I've been there.

However...until you see divorce papers and inspect his place for signs of another woman.....I wouldn't give him the time of day.

He fucked up. He lied to you. He has to do the work to make it right and gain back your trust. Don't just give it to him. You are far too special to make it easy on this guy. If he really loves you and feels you are worth it. He will work his ASS OFF to prove it to you.

Oh and PS....my completely emotionally removed from the situation self would tell him to get lost PERMANENTLY.

Ariyana Dragonwagon

02-18-2003, 04:35 PM

I think I might have to agree with Tink.

Not to mention that reading her post reminded me of an experience I once had.. that I had , I suppose chosen not to remember to often.
After I divorced my ex, I met this guy through work. Nice guy, took me to lunch often, then eventually dinner. He claimed he was geting divorced, was living at his grandmothers ( though looking back funny if I called there he was not usually there..) anyway, he had started telling me he loved me.. trying to make our relationship more... then all of a sudden it was over... his wife was pregant and they were back together.... Apparently he was seeing both of us, from when she got pregnant, assuming he had really left her at all...

As much as I love the husband I have now, I still say... Men can be Scum!

AllieSutherland

02-18-2003, 06:21 PM

oh no... by NO means is he out of the doghouse. I don't even consider this a "friendship" at this point, much less a romantic relationship. If he honestly believes he's screwed up and desires to make it better, he will... but I'm neither asking for nor giving condition on it, because I believe that if he isn't just blowing sunshine up my butt, he'll prove it. I'm neither waiting for it, nor anitcipating it, but keeping my eyes open. I've forgiven, mostly for my own sake, but it has not and will not be forgotten.

I agree with the concept of "screw me once, shame on you... twice, shame on me." I won't be treated like this again... believe me. I think he knows (or should know) what do to if the feelings he professes to still have are genuine. This is a case where actions will definitely speak louder than mere words. The ball's in his court, and if he chooses to prove himself... fine... but if not, I'm not crying over it.

I also agree about the password thing, and I'm feeling it out a little more. I will have to say, though... many, many men and women I know aren't real bright when it comes to passwords. Those who know them even a TINY bit can guess... like using a pet's name, their middle name, mom's maiden name, etc etc. My fav was when a friend asked me to check her mail while her computer was in the shop... her password was her kids' names together. :shock: Maybe it's just me, but I try to be a little more creative with mine. I'm not saying the story isn't shaky, but I'm keeping my eyes open and my heart guarded.

I just wish it didn't have to be this way, you know? Sure, we all lie at one time or another, but hell, I try my damndest to be honest, for better or for worse. If it hurts others, sure, I am not dancing about telling them the truth, but the truth sure hurts a lot less in the long run than being lied to.

I've never known a lover who DIDN'T lie to me... even the "good" ones. I'm not saying I'm perfect, and no, it's not just the guys I choose. Many gf's and acquaintances I know have been through it in one form or another, unfortunately. Guys too. Big lies... not "white" ones. Maybe it's the times we live in... who knows. It's sad, though. The more I think about it, how much do we REALLY know those who are closest to us... lovers, wives/husbands, friends, etc? Our society is based so much on "appearances," and what lies beneath, however human, is seen as undesirable and meant to be hidden.

Oooh boy. Enough of my rants. ;) LOL!

The only "two men of my life" are my nephews, and damned if I'm not guarding them, trying to keep them pure!!!

(mwahahahaha... isn't it ironic? ;)

XOXOXOXOXOX
Allie

Theresa Grant

02-28-2003, 05:30 PM

Oh my god.

Tell me you're not serious.

(Everyone who has known me for the past ten years sees those lines and cringes away... trust me...)

Look hon. Time for some down-home no-bullshit plain talk.

The guy is obviously having that mid-life crisis that has him ping-ponging all over the place. It is not your role to be his Madonna figure and walk him through it.

He lied about his age. He lied about his marital status. Not for one MOMENT do I believe his so-called soon-to-be-ex 'hacked' his stuff. In fact, I bet if he's 37 years old that there's a kid in there somewhere too.

He's had this sweet honey making him feel all virile and manly but I'll bet you serious money that he's nowhere near 'divorcing'. He's probably bored and in a serious dead end with his WIFE and you came along and whammo! Instant 'oh, what I could have been' moments complete with the vague idea that the word 'divorce' should be somewhere in the picture to make it believable.

I would also bet you serious money that you're not the first, and you're not the only.

My god. Do you REALLY want this kind of man? Someone who puts years into a relationship, sneaks around behind his wife, treats his marraige with contempt, lies to you about a small thing like AGE, and thinks he can dangle words and phrases like 'a love like this'? Some guy who will put his wife through this garbage - a woman presumably he promised to love, honor, and cherish -- so he can have at the least an emotional affair and at the most a sexual one... Some guy who will probably DO THIS TO YOU! How BADLY do you want to be played, girlfriend?

The man has 'LOSER' written all over him. You don't have to be, nor are you obligated to be, his answer to his manly-man crisis of heart and the past ten years.

Walk on by. Find a man who actually is a MAN rather than someone born with a penis that shaves daily.

This blunt moment brought to you by an afternoon of my IMing with bronxelf, which always puts me in the kind of mood to call a spade a spade and cut through the romantic hype. :)

You know the right thing to do. Deep down you KNOW it. Now go do it. You -can-. You are more valued than this, and even as entertainment value, this guy isn't worth 10 seconds of airtime on Jerry Springer.

Now go take on the day.

AllieSutherland

02-28-2003, 06:15 PM

No need... he's been nixed from my life for a week now. He never came back in romantically, but sometimes, people just need to come to their own "right times" to dimiss toxicity and s*** from their presence, you know? That is the only way you KNOW it will stay gone for good... through your own realization of truth, light, and love.

I know that everyone says, "Yep, there are good ones," and "You can trust some." I don't trust many people in my life, period... and when they do earn my trust, it's a precious gift. He threw it away. His loss. I'm not going to lose my ability to trust others just because of a single person's screw up... because in this situation in particular, I've learned to trust MYSELF to let things go when they need to be let go of, and I did it. I needed to learn just how far I could trust MYSELF... not him, not anyone else.

Hon, I know your intentions are good, and I thank you for your concerns... I appreciate it. Just because I didn't "kick him to the curb" in a literal and figurative sense in the time frame some would think I should have doesn't mean that I'm deperate, gullible, etc. etc. I needed time, demanded it, and TOOK it to figure things out on my time frame, so that I know it would be a decision made well after years of acting in the opposite manner. In this case, though, I learned a lesson from and because of him, and I'm thankful. After three failed engagements, I'm learning that I can trust myself and that I don't have to second-guess what feels right in my HEAD. I've gone with my heart alone for many, many years, and now, I'm growing into more "wise-mindedness" in this sort of thing.

I never had the intentions of being his saviour, nor to excuse what he did. I needed time to think, come into my own about this, and make decisions for me... not on his terms. This was my first "test" since the breakup of engagement #3, because I took almost three years to regather, regroup, and fall in love with ME. We all need that. I passed with flying colours, because I proved that I love myelf enough that I don't need a man to make me feel loved (which, in my case, was the case in the past).

It may have seemed obvious to a lot of people to walk away immediately, but in my case, I needed to tie the ends myself, and in my time. A lot of people need that, and it doesn't make them stupid or gullible, just because they don't do it as others think that they should. In this situation, stupid or gullible wouldn't have necessarily been primarily demonstrated in going back to him (although that is not the greatest choice I could have made) but instead, going through this one more time without searching, and trying to blame myself for "x,y, and z" causing it to end up this way, or begging/pleading for things to change (all of which I did in the past). This was an exam that I'm damn proud of... some may think it had an obvious answer, but I think many of you will understand that my main struggle in this was to prove to myself that therapy and loving myself has healed me, not dealing with lies, deceit, and a man's heartlessness to "find love" to validate my self-worth.

XOXOXOXOX
Allie