I knew it would be hard, but...

[merestelle]

A few days ago a had to go to court, in theory to finalize my divorce. It's been nearly 2 years since I left home. I kept putting off filing because of my guilt. It was always too close to someone's birthday or a holiday or something. I also could not afford a lawyer. So I finally decided to try pro se, or do it yourself, divorce. Papers were filed, the court assigned a date.
My ex seemed a little too comfortable and I wasn't sure, but almost smug.
The first blow came from the state. We had been on public assistance for about 2 months, 25 years ago , so now they need to see if we still have to pay them back. another form filed and we have to reschedule. By this time I'm so anxious I'm dizzy. Then my ex comes out with he expects me to pay for half of my sons college. I very much want my son to finish college but I have no money. no assests. and I have already quit claimed the house to him.
I had signed the quit claim because I hoped that by doing everything ourselves we could avoid having to sell the house or pay lawyers. More money towards college. I didn't ask for anything even though I should have been entitled to half the equity. When I reminded him of this his response was "not any more" . I trusted him, I should have known better. When I last saw him he was leaning against the courthouse grinning, with a definate look that said, " I got you Bitch". I ran, sobbing down the street. So I'm still in limbo, waiting for the court to reschedule. Will have to argue the tuition out in family court. Feel like I'm drowning.I'm already working OT to try to catch up.

[Ysobelle]

Oh, jesus! Hon get a lawyer NOW! yes, you'll spend more this moment, but it'll be fairer down the road for you. Your ex is out to screw you over, and you have to defend yourself!

[The Doxie with Moxie]

I understand that you are very stressed out right now and it is probably very hard to believe things will calm down and work out for the best... give yourself a few days of totally freaking out and then take a deep breath, things are not as bad as they seem.

My brother and his ex-wife got their divorce without lawyers but it still had to go before a judge for final approval. I don't know where you are but my bro is in Pa. My sis in law did not believe she deserved any of his retirement so they wrote up an arrangement where he compensated by paying off some of her credit card loans etc. When it went before the judge, and mind you my bro and sis in law were happy with their agreement, the judge wrote up what he thought would better serve her interests and sent them out to reconsider for a few days. The judge said that if my sis in law had been unhappy he would have just forced the divorce decree to reflect what he the judge thought more fair. I don't know how it is in your state but maybe it is not out of the realm of possibilities that you will be treated fairly.

Reference your son and his education: perhaps your son will have to pay for some of his college on his own, is that such a bad thing? He might be eligible to apply for financial aid based on being your dependent and thus based on your income and get loans for the rest. If he sees his dad try to screw you through him, let alone over his education, then he'll get a clearer view of the type of father he really has. These might be valuable lessons which will make him a better man. I don't like the feeling of entitlement some young people have in regards to their education, I think they value it bit more when they pay for all or the majority of expenses. I'm not saying that is how your son is so please don't be offended.

In regards to signing over rights to the house, this may be taken into consideration by the deciding judge. If you can clearly and calmly show through documentation how you have attempted to make this as amicable a divorce as possible you may benefit. If the court percieves your soon to be x as a malicious son of a bitch it may sway them toward helping you even more.

I have a friend in NJ who got an ugly divorce. In NJ you support your children till they are 21 and my friend says you are also obliged to pay for college (I don't know if that is true though, maybe) anywho, his ex only has to pay a percentage of the kids college costs based on her yearly earnings which is piffling at best. Maybe it really won't be that bad for you. Your ex can EXPECT you to do something but the reality is that you do not have to. Just because he says you have to pay half your sons college does not make it true. He's just pushing your buttons... don't let him.

Now the last part is tough love from me to you. Don't ever give that bastard the satisfaction of seeing you run sobbing down the street! He gloats because he believes he still has power over you, he's sickening. Next time saunter over and tell him calmly that the day you left him was the best day of your life because you no longer have to fake orgasms!


I'll say a prayer for you, a nice calming inner peace kind of prayer,

The Doxie:zen:

[Mistress Lisette]

Get a lawyer ASAP. I understand what Doxie's saying, but I'm too leery of leaving too much on the possibility that you'll get a fair judge. Just to be safe, I'd say get a lawyer.

And I totally agree with Doxie about not letting this scumformerlyknownasyourhusband see you cry. Be strong, even if you're quivering with fear inside. Don't let him see it. He seems to take great pleasure in affecting you this way. Bastards usually do.

We're here for you!

~Lisette

[Selena]

Oh, jesus! Hon get a lawyer NOW! yes, you'll spend more this moment, but it'll be fairer down the road for you. Your ex is out to screw you over, and you have to defend yourself!

I second that. Get an attorney. Especially if there are child support and/or other financial issues involved, as well as the issue with the state welfare. Part of my job is analyzing orders for child support. If you don't have the legal background to understand the complex issues of a pro se divorce, you NEED to have a pro help you, or you and your child(ren) can get screwed. That is what a good attorney gets paid to do... work for you.

good luck--

[Galleywench]

Take it from someone who learned the hard way. I too felt that I could not afford a good lawyer and ended up losing the house that I bought, a horrid custody arrangement in which I have to pay support (I had to close my business to pay lawyers and to try a save a bad marriage and then he used the fact that I was unemployed against me even though it was my cafe and chocolate shoppe that built our home).

He got the house, the cars, the bank accounts, the kids...EVERYTHING. I got the clothes on my back that I left with. His shark of a scummy lawyer convinced the judge I was on drugs and a drunk...and I realize that you don't know me but anyone here who does will know that I niether drink to excess or use illeagal substances of any kind.

So, get a lawyer. A good one.

As far as college, your son may have to pay a good portion of it himself.

Don't spend time wallowing or fretting, it will get you nowhere fast.

[Mistress Morigianna]

check out www.divorceonline.com amd www.divorcecentral.com
at dol they have a forem that is full of helpful people

good luck

[nyghtshayde]

Damn it Lee.....
:rescue:((hugs)):rescue:

I'm so sorry :( I work 12-5 today, I'll call you when I get out.
This too, shall pass.
Don't let the bastard get you down hon.

[merestelle]

Thank you all.

I guess I didn't really see what a bastard he could be. I will be looking for a lawyer but those I've talked to before wanted min $2500 to get started.
My youngest is 19 and in his second year a college. Yes, he should be working at least part time. The older sons live with him and are working and I believe they are paying rent. I'll bet he didn't include that on his financial statement.

Again, Thanks everyone for your good wishes.

[The Doxie with Moxie]

MERESTELLE WROTE:


The older sons live with him and are working and I believe they are paying rent. I'll bet he didn't include that on his financial statement.


I live in PA and my SO is divorced with a daughter from that marriage. When they got their divorce and every subsequent time she has dragged us back to court hoping to get more money the county has sent us her financial disclosure and vice-versa, incase anyone disputes it. You should ask whoever you get as an advocate to check and see if you are allowed a copy of his disclosure. It culdn't hurt to ask. Best of luck with all this headache and heartache,

The Doxie:zen: