View Full Version : Venting(kinda longish)
04-20-2006, 01:05 PM
I know from reading various posts here and on the rogues boards that some of you ladies have been in some pretty rough situations, and I could really use some help right now. I don't know how to cope with the people around me anymore.
See....my stepfather's been molesting me since I was 14, and last night i finally turned him in. I just couldn't take it any more, the hiding everything from my mom, the lying to the people I cared about, the dreading going home unless i know mom's there.
I knew that it wouldn't solve all my problems, I just wish I knew how to deal with my mom, who blames herself for not being here. I keep trying to tell her that it's not her fault, not my fault, that he's the one to blame for this.
when they arrested him, he confessed to the whole thing, he said he knew he should have stopped himself but he couldn't.
There are so many emotions running through my mind right now, i'm still kinda worried about my mom, who feels guilty that she's wondering how her husband is doing(he has heart problems). I'm glad it's all over, but I'm angry and upset and frustrated that it happened. I feel like mom's over compensating, she doesn't wanna let me outta her sight.
I'm also relieved....he was a control freak, he called me when I was out with my friends, when I would be online talking to guys he would make me shut the computer off. He didn't even want me to go to faire!
My whole life I've felt like i had to set a good example(even when there was no one there to see me do something wrong) I once explained it to someone as "it's the curse of the eldest child" or something similar. Now I don't know how to deal,'cause it feels like people are walking on eggshells around me, like they don't know how to react.
What you did took courage. You are on the road to getting your life in order. Make no apologies, nor take on any further guilt or shame. You've been through enough of that already.
Your mom should seek counseling for her guilt issues. If she didn't know, she isn't to blame. If you feel she is not to blame then do your best to reassure her. In time, she will hopefully come to terms and then peace with it all.
Good luck and be well.
04-20-2006, 01:21 PM
Wow. I'm not a very eloquent person, but what you did takes a lot of guts. The first step toward healing. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers; your mom as well. :ilu:
04-20-2006, 02:02 PM
Good for you. You did exactly what you needed to do. Now, not only should your mom perhaps get some counseling but SO SHOULD YOU!
My other concern and I know this may be hard to think about on top of everything else, but you said something about being the "oldest child" - do you have younger siblings? How are they? Are there any indications that he may also have molested them?
Strength and courage and love to you.
04-20-2006, 02:20 PM
Sweetie, you've made the most important step so far. ::hug::
You've the right attitude; knowing it wasn't your fault, your mother's fault or anyone, it was your step-father's.
Go for counsling, and your mom too and learn to heal.
willow of the wooded fortress
04-20-2006, 02:25 PM
You are brave and did the right thing! You've been through so much. Take care of yourself now. Your mom and syblings should reach out for counsling to stay on the proper path to healing.
04-20-2006, 02:30 PM
You are very brave for what you did. So please find comfort in that.
And thank you for telling us. It might help someone else find the strength to do the same.
04-20-2006, 03:24 PM
Wow. What an amazing, terrifying, courageous thing you did. Good for you and down the road when all the guilt is gone, good for your family too.
As many have said, the counseling will probably be best for you and your mom. Even if you just go a few times - just to have some one to talk to who is objective about the situation.
Be strong if you need to, cry if you need to, laugh if you need to. You did the right thing and everone will be better off for it. ::hug::
04-20-2006, 03:42 PM
Like everyone's said, you're an incredibly strong, brave, and courageous woman. And like you yourself said, neither you nor your Mom, if she didn't know, is to blame. Please seek counseling, as should your Mom and any siblings you may have. Also know that, although many of us may not physically be with you, we're with you emotionally and spiritually. You've got people who care for you.:grouphug:
04-20-2006, 04:16 PM
You are very brave and my hat's off to you for doing what you did.
You and your mom need counseling. This can't be said enough. There are many places that work on a sliding scale depending on what you can pay. Please - seek them out. This is a trauma and the whole family should be in on the counseling.
Remember - YOU did nothing wrong. HE did. Tell your mom she is the best mom she can be and I'm sure that if she knew what was going on she would have had him arrested herself.
Good luck and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
04-20-2006, 04:36 PM
You are an amazingly brave woman, what you did took courage. It's great that your concerned about your mom but you need to take care of yourself and heal yourself. Being the eldest child, you feel like you have to take care of the world but you can't forget to take care of yourself too. A counselor is a great idea. I hope you and your family get through this and heal. :grouphug:
La Femme Meow
04-20-2006, 08:16 PM
You've acted with great strength and bravery. Get some good counselling -- you, your mother and siblings. Let us know whenever you need moral support or encouragement. Take good care of yourself. :grouphug:
04-20-2006, 10:31 PM
Speaking as a kindred spirit (same thing happend to me and my mom) there are no clear written rules on how to get through the pain and guilt, but here's some tips to help make the going a little less rough.
1. Always have time to hug your mom, to let her know you're going to be ok and that you love her, and tell her so.::hug:: :ilu:
2. Seek counseling together and group therapy for both (call a womens shelter to see if they have any available).:grouphug:
3. Repeat to yourself: what happend isn't my fault nor mom's.
4. Look in the mirror every morning and say "I Love Myself, I'm beautiful inside and out, That which doesn't stop me only makes me stronger." :ilu:
Nothing can give you back what was stolen but from here on out you can start putting back the pieces of your life, the biggest step you've already done, talking helps a lot the more you talk the more you heal. My husband knows what my step did and understood; when I found out that he'd died just recently I felt so relieved no more fear.
Show him that no matter what it hasn't ruined you as a person.
Love, hugs, prayers and good vibes of healing for you and your mother in these tough times abound in the air ::pray:: ::candle:: :hearts: ::bighug:: :grouphug: :smooch:
04-21-2006, 07:15 AM
I don't think in this thread you were 'Venting' so much as looking (and needing) support. On this wonderful group of people, from which I have found a fountain of support on more than one occassion, you can surley count to provide you will the support you seek.
However, while we can provide you with friendship and love of a sisterhood, we cannot offer you proffessional type of support you will be needing to heal over the next several years. Please be generous enough to yourself to get that help and to make sure that your mom does too.
You mentioned that your mom feels guilty because she is worried that your step is alright (healthwise) during his incarceration. Perhaps counceling will provide her with the best relief from that worry, I believe that, that worry she has for him is completely realistic. She spent a lot of time with him, loving him, having no idea what and who he really was behind her back. Those feelings she has/had are real and don't easily go away, even though I'm sure she wishes they would knowing what she knows now.
Stay strong, friend, and know that we will always be here for you and you will NEVER need to apologize here.
Much love and healing prayers to you and your mom::bighug::
04-21-2006, 11:14 AM
I have to say like everyone else you are so stronge and courageous for finally admitting what has been going on. Also Counseling for you personally and for the whole family is going to be the best thing for everyone. You have been under so much Trauma for so long you need to learn how to live without all that stress and pain in you life. Counseling is your best form off help.
Its not your fault. It is his fault, he was the adult that was supposed to take care of you, not abuse you. Take it one day at a time and be nice to yourself you deserve all the happiness in the world. You are a Survivor.
"hugs" You and your mom will be in my prayers.
04-21-2006, 03:05 PM
I'm sure that if she knew what was going on she would have had him arrested herself.
She probably would have shot him or something first, but yeah, she woulda done something about it.
you need to learn how to live without all that stress and pain in you life.
There's still stress....I swear if one more person asks me if I'm ok, I'm gonna scream, lol.
A few days before I turned him in, I saw a poster with the phone numbers of a local domestic violence/sexual abuse counseling center, and wrote it down. I'm glad I did, mainly because I had to call them to find out whether I needed to go to the state police or the locals....I wound up having to ask directions to the station, but I now have (and intend to use) the number again, just talking to you ladies, and to my very supportive friends, has helped immensly, and I know talking to a complete stranger's gonna be difficult, but I also know I need to do it. Thank you all of you!
04-21-2006, 11:32 PM
::hug:: ::bighug:: :grouphug:
04-22-2006, 01:13 AM
I know what you mean about people walking on eggshells around you. Don't let people pressure you into hiding what happened. That is what people up here tried to do to me when they found about the dv. If you comfortable about talking about it, do it. Also see if the counseling center you talked to has an advocate who will go to court or whatever with you. Women Space has an advocate here in Oakridge that helped me get my restraining order. If she hadn't drove me there, helped me fill out the paperwork and sat with me in the court room I am not sure I would have gotten the restraining order in the first place.
04-24-2006, 09:44 PM
:cuss: Mom got a letter from him in the mail today! (I've changed names, for privacy's sake)
Im not mad at Cruise, or you.
Just take all my stuff and sell them. I'm looking at 10 to 15 years in here.
My checks are gonna stop coming so you're on your own with the bank payments
I know I lost all my friends so when I get out I'll go to stay with my family. I know you won't want me anymore, I hope you'll come see me while I'm in here Cruise can come see me also
ps Cruise, don't hate me "
I'm so pissed about this I could scream, when I called home at work to let Mom know that I was working overtime, she was in tears! She wants to go see him, just to get some closure, and I understand that, as long as she doesn't ask me to go with her, I'm fine with it.
I don't hate him, as much as i want to, what I hate is the crap he's putting mom and me thru!
The preliminary hearing is on the 11th of May, wish me luck, I gotta testify! :faint:
04-24-2006, 10:24 PM
get an advocate to go with you or a good friend to hold your hand and be there for you and your mother. I wish I could say that its going to easy because it won't, remember your strong and he's weak! if he was a true man he wouldn't have put you and your mom through what he has.
Hugs, Hugs, Hugs of healing for you two ladies.
04-24-2006, 11:48 PM
ok . I know I have already said it once, but please talk to an advocate. One either from the center you talked to already, or get the crime victim advocate for your county.
Now for the letter. What he is doing is trying to manipulate the situation. To me it sounds like he is trying for martyrdom with the bit about how he has lost all his friends and how he knows that your mom won't want him when he gets out. He is also trying to play games with you by saying that you can come see him. (Don't go see him. He will just use that in court.) The asking you not to hate him is play on your good side, tender heartedness ( Boy does this sounds familiar. Wonder who told me something similar a few years ago?)
Go ahead and be mad. You have that right and don't let anyone else tell you differently. Scream at home if it will make you feel better. I know I did a bunch of screaming and crying while I was healing from what happened to me.
Good luck with testifying. By the way, sending the letter home knowing that your mom would talk to you about it, could be construed as witness tampering. Be strong and just tell what happened.
04-25-2006, 12:21 AM
the comment in the letter about the checks not coming is a ploy to get your mother to put pressure on you to drop the whole thing so your monther wont "suffer" (without any money). Or make you feel guilty for it.
don't fall for it.
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