Rant on dead beat dads

[Mairi the Herbwench]

As the product of a dead beat dad - parent's divorced when I was 7, dad disappeared, mom died when I was 15, (I have 3 sibs, too - at the time from ages 11-18) dad reappears when I was 17, never paid or contributed a thing. Ever.

Any wonder I had to be married about 15 years to the best man in the world before I finally believed that he loved me and wouldn't leave me? And to be perfectly honest, that's the biggest reason I chose not to have kids - never wanted to put a kid thru what I went thru.

I know in MN, you can have a dead beat dad's driver's license revoked for non-payment, and you can have his wages garnished. Might be worth looking into, Bonnie.

I do like the idea of burying the body, too!

[daBaroness]

I'd like to make an amendment to this thread - a rant about deadbeat parents. Although most of the absentee deadbeats are men, some are women. I have a dear faire friend who's exwife is a deadbeat of the worst kind - and yes, I do have a double standard for women. I think a mother who abandons her child is the worst kind of slug around.

This friend's ex decided to join the Army - after having their daughter - saying it would upgrade their lives. So he reluctantly went along with it. She went to boot camp and he attended her graduation. After post-boot camp leave she left for her first duty station and he and their daughter were to follow in a matter of weeks once she got settled in. Well, she settled in all right - with some other guy - actually a string of other guys and an overseas post that took her even farther away from her responsibilities.

He finally filed for divorce when it became clear she didn't intend for them to be a family and wouldn't file herself because it would mean she'd have to pay child support. Well, she did have to pay, and for a while the Army garnished the child support from her check. But she never was a mom to their daughter. She'd make promises she never intended to keep and ultimately married one of the guys she'd been involved with. Then she got pregnant about the time she got into some trouble with the Army and was given a dishonorable discharge.

That was the end of the money and the end of any contact my friend and his daughter had with her mom. She has done her best to disappear. Meanwhile, he's got a debilitating neurological disorder that has kept him from working enough to make a decent living. Fortunately they have good friends who help out - many of them rennies. I'm not certain of his disability status - but even if he was getting the social security disability and other benefits he's actually entitled to, it still doesn't begin to compensate his daughter (now almost 11) for her mother's abandonment.

My question is, "how the hell does one have a child in this world and not want to do all they can do to show how much they love and support the child?"

dB

[PriestesM]

<snip>
My question is, "how the hell does one have a child in this world and not want to do all they can do to show how much they love and support the child?"
<snip>


I'm SO right there with you. This particular topic makes me terribly crazy.... people who don't even want their children or who can't/won't take good care of them, have 'em all the time.
And I can't have children.

~M

[Dmitri]

[quote="

I do like the idea of burying the body, too![/quote]

Nah... there are other ways to "dispose" of said sub-human... No body, No crime...

[Mairi the Herbwench]

I admit I was being terribly sexist - deadbeats comein both sexes, you just hear about the men more.

My ex-sister-in-law lived with the family, but managed to absent herself emoyionally - primarily from my brother (she has admitted this to us,) but also from her kids. She, too, is in the service, and when my niece was about 3 months old, she went up to Alaska to clean up the Exxon-Valdez spill, and was gone for months.

For as crappy as my childhood was, at least I know my mom loved and supported me. I still have issues with my dad, but he's dead now, and they won't be resolved easily. Having one parent that loves you is better than none, but having two is the best.

there are other ways to "dispose" of said sub-human... No body, No crime...

Sadly this is no longer true....due to the strength and ability of forensic science to be just so good, it is now possible to convict with no body...but I am sure you can find some ways around that, it is just a matter of HOW you "take care" of the matter....

Muffin

[Kae]

Hey, I agree. Parents who don't want children should not be parents. There are plenty of us out here who would gladly take over the responsibility!

I am still trying to figure out why we need a license to drive a car but not to parent?

However; based on some of my experience, it is sometimes better for all around if the dead beat parent isn't in the child's life than if they stay around and make everybody miserable. It breeds a whole different set of problems.

Kae

[Nevada]

Comes down to...just because you can produce a child, doesnt mean you should.

[cyd]

Sometimes I find it absolutely incredible that one of the toughest jobs in the world is one of the easiest (for most) to come by...

There are Parents Not Breeders (PNB), and Breeders Not Parents (BNP).

Some day I hope to be in the former category, having met far too many in the latter category.

What kills me more actually, is the way my ex-aunt became a "deadbeat" of her own. Yes, she had custody. But she didn't do squat for her kids. She collected alimony, she collected child support, yet she constantly told her kids "go ask daddy for it" even on things that were supposed to come out of the child support. Had a live-in boyfriend for years who supported her, but because she wasn't married to the guy, she continued to collect alimony from my uncle, and continued to tell her children that if daddy didn't pay for it all, he must not love them.

One of his kids was intelligent enough to get around at least SOME of those issues... Although for YEARS she was pissed at her father, because when he got laid off, he wasn't paying for her to do anything she wanted anymore (yes, that's his fault as well, for raising her to be that spoiled, because he was afraid she wouldn't love him if he didn't pay for her every whim, since he didn't live with his kids). He had no money coming in, but her mother kept telling her that daddy was supposed to pay for everything, and if he didn't, he didn't love her.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, emotional blackmail.

The other kid didn't even bother to tell her father when she got married or had her first kid... Because he wasn't paying for it, since he still didn't have a job. Our entire family was left out of the wedding because her mother had told her that her father didn't love her, he wasn't paying for her anymore. She had a HUGE wedding, entirely paid for by the groom's father. Not a single person there was from her father's side of the wedding, because her mother told her that her father didn't love her, because he wouldn't pay for her (the fact that he still had no job notwitstanding). Not that at this point, I am terribly upset by not being at the wedding. She was invited to come to mine. She cancelled at the last minute when she realized her father wasn't going to pay for her to show up. Oh well, her loss, not mine.

The mother, on the other hand, socked both the alimony and the child support away into her own coffers, spent on her manicures, her spa outings, etc. While her boyfriend was paying all her normal living expenses.

Deadbeats don't have to be the ones who drop out of the kids lives. And you know, in this case, they'd've been better off if their mother HAD dropped out of their lives. Because of the emotional blackmail wreaked upon those two by their mother, my uncle has ransomed damn near most of his life for them, and in return now has two children who have taken YEARS to even try to get them to talk to their father again, without immediately asking him for money.

Cyd

[Kae]

Yeah, I know a few "parents" like that as well. I refuse to get on that soap box though. (Aren't you guys lucky :wink: ) I would go on for hours. (personal experience there so very deep opinions.

Kae

[Mandy ReNee]

<snip>
My question is, "how the hell does one have a child in this world and not want to do all they can do to show how much they love and support the child?"
<snip>


I'm SO right there with you. This particular topic makes me terribly crazy.... people who don't even want their children or who can't/won't take good care of them, have 'em all the time.
And I can't have children.

~M

I feel for you Priestess...we have been trying for almost three years with no success. We want kids, we have the means to support them, and yet half of my female cousins can't support theirs yet they keep popping them out like clockwork....it is very aggravating. :evil:

[Athalia Jewel]

And I can't have children.

~M

Don't give up....I know several women who weren't supposed to be able to have children....and all of them proved the doctors wrong.

[Belladonna]

Kae said:

However; based on some of my experience, it is sometimes better for all around if the dead beat parent isn't in the child's life than if they stay around and make everybody miserable. It breeds a whole different set of problems.

Yup, I can so agree with that, and hence the reason why Reilly's dad has the option of either being in or out...but he has to choose one or the other. None of this middle of the ground bullshit. I would rather have him not be there if he doesnt want to be, and be able to work around it by providing other stronger male figures in his life, then have him wonder if his daddy really loves him. Sometimes, the best thing a reluctant sperm donor can do is not be there.

[Kat]

In the movie Parent Hood - something like, you need a licence to fish, a licence to drive, but any #@%$ can have a kid. No truer words.