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View Full Version : Mid-Week laughs (boy I needed these)



Sorcha Griannon
10-30-2003, 12:47 AM
Yeah, I know, this is long, but these have been collecting in an old email address of mine that I check every so often, and I decided to share. Hope you enjoy!

Sorcha



1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK -
She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

2. She is not EASY -
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

3. She is not DUMB -
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

4. She has not BEEN AROUND -
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

5. She is not an AIRHEAD -
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY -
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

7. She is not HORNY -
She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS -
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG you -
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS -
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

11. She is not a TWO BIT SLAPPER -
She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a BEER GUT -
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER -
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME -
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING -
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER -
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ARSE -
He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG -
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT -
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED


//////////////////////////////////////////////////////

In America, a new two-year course to earn a degree in being a real
man has just been unveiled. It runs as follows.

FIRST YEAR
Spring Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under Things for Christmas

Summer Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting In at 3am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What's Hers is Hers

Fall Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act Like a Jerk When You're Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Spring Schedule:
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective)
(See Electives Below)

Summer Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honestly, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Fall Schedule:
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II

COURSE ELECTIVES
EAT 101: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-in-law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her


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MALE OR FEMALE
------------------------------------------------
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in,
but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it
appears useful for a wide variety of work, it
spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the
bathroom in pairs.

SHOE: male, because it is usually unpolished, with
its tongue hanging out.

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere
you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course,
there's the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable
and retain water.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the
last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL Female... Ha! You thought I'd say male.
But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to
push, he keeps trying.


\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

A priest was driving along and saw a nun at the side of the road he
stopped
and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed
her legs,
forcing her gown to open
and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an
accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun
looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The
priest
was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove
his
hand.
However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on
while
changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
again
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized.
"Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the
nun got
out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible
and
looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you
will find
glory." Moral of
the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
opportunity.
-----------------------------------------

------------------------------------------
Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level
managers are more interested in Tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for Golf.
Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

------------------------------------------


Love may be beautiful, Love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up the rest of my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.