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Belladonna
01-02-2003, 11:54 PM
First the back story so that you can understand:

Reillys sperm donor (SD from here out) knew I was pregnant, was exstatic about it only to cry paternity test or I'll have nothing to do with it a week later. So I shrugged him off, went through my pregnancy with the support from my family and friends, and had my son. Spent three months in complete single mother bliss and then SD decided that he wanted back in.

Now, I could have told him to fook off...and I seriously thought about it, but for my child sake I decided I would at least allow SD the opportunity to do this. Granted, he is a liar, looking ferverantly for a sugar momma, lazy assed jack off...but regardless I did decide to have this child and this child should at least be given the opportunity to know his SD....

On the first visit I presented the SD with terms. Ver simple ones. SD is NOT to refer to Reilly in any way shape or form as his son. Nor is Reilly, when he is old enough to speak going to be referring to SD in a paternal matter. For right now, they are simple Reilly and "*****"That way Reilly doesnt develop a father/son relationship with someone how might just get up and leave again. For all Reilly will know, SD is simply one of mom's friends.

UN LESS...

SD decided to go through with this and actually get his name onto Reilly's birth certificate, which currently does not have an paternal figure listed. WHEN that happens, then Reilly will be allowed to call SD dad and him son.

SD has seen Reilly twice since Halloween. The first time was on neutral territory at my best friends house. SD did not interact with Reilly at all. Kept very quiet he did. We all left, and it was a couple of days before I heard back from him. He thanked me, and asked when he could see the little one again. We made tentative arrangements.

A few weeks later, he saw Reilly again, this time at my parents house with my mother home where we are currently living. (since my parents wont allow him in unless one of them are home). Again had NO interaction with Reilly and barely talked. My mom tried to talk with him, and he wasnt very talkative back.

After that, he im'ed me a couple of times, but rarely ever asked about Reilly. More bragged about this, that and the other, and yadda yadda, new job, blah blah. I hadn't heard from him in three weeks and he decided to im me again. Same talk. Makes more money then his mom now, yackity-schmackity....I told him that I was busy with a teething four month old and SD gets pissed..."shouldnt have expected anything else from you" or something to that affect was said when I told him that i really couldnt say much more then 'ok' 'sure' 'cool' etc.

Small fight starts to ensue while I get my mom to deal with little one. SD calls, apologizes..I proceed with my rant about how I really could give a shit less about his life. I have no interest in being friends, but that for Reilly's sake I am willing and able to be amicable, friendly when he's around, and cooperative in him seeing the baby. But that I dont care about what he's doing, or anything else unless it applies directly to my son. That I dont tell him anything about my life for that same reason, cause he doesnt need to know about it. And what in the world does he want from me? "I dont know..." said like a wounded little school boy. Fine. So line is now drawn...if he was looking to get back into my pants, he now know's it's never going to happen.

I dont hear from him for a while..meanwhile he's online all the time. All conversation seems to have stopped.

So....

I im'ed him the other day just to see when he would like to see Reilly again. I'm only going to do this once, just to see what would happen...He's supposed to come over tomorrow for a little while...but I had to ask him if he wanted to see him for the first time in over a month. I'm sure as hell not going to do i again, especially after he tries to tell me that if I want to, I can just let him know when it's okay to see the baby. Explained to him that no, I wasn't going to do that. That in the future if he wants to see him that he should call me a couple of days in advance to make sure that we dont have plans already and that we'll make arrangements then, but that I wasnt going to decide that for him.


What all would guys do from here out? I would like some opinions on this, especially since my mom thinks that when he is here, he's taking cues from me and that's the reason why he's not interacting with Reilly. When he's here, he studies the little one, but doenst talk to him, or even ask if he can hold or play with him, adn I'm sure as hell not going to offer.

Bonnie
01-03-2003, 03:03 AM
First the back story so that you can understand:

WOW! You got a lot to do. Start immediately. I'll go point to point with my opinion/ advice. YMMV, as always, but having been through one custody battle and two custody/ visitation arrangings, I know a little about what you really need to do. And I do mean...a little. There are lots of views and opinions and many legalities involved...educate yourself to the best of your ability. READ...there are some great books out there.On to my humble opinion....

(snip of some backstory)

"On the first visit I presented the SD with terms. Ver simple ones. SD is NOT to refer to Reilly in any way shape or form as his son. Nor is Reilly, when he is old enough to speak going to be referring to SD in a paternal matter. For right now, they are simple Reilly and "*****"That way Reilly doesnt develop a father/son relationship with someone how might just get up and leave again. For all Reilly will know, SD is simply one of mom's friends.
UN LESS...

SD decided to go through with this and actually get his name onto Reilly's birth certificate, which currently does not have an paternal figure listed. WHEN that happens, then Reilly will be allowed to call SD dad and him son."


I agree with this, actually. Until SD has been declared the biological father, he has absolutely NO rights to this child, and no responsibilities. You cannot demand child support, and he cannot demand visitation. Since he is not vigorously pursuing the relationship with the child, you have no reason to assume he's planning on being a full time parent. Be aware, however, that just having his name on the certificate does not guarantee his involvment...I'm not sure if you can add it on at this point without court intervention....I THINK you can...but I'm not sure. I would rather see you insist that before he gets to call himself 'Daddy", that he DOES take a paternity test, get himself declared the LEGAL biological father, then set up child support and a reasonable and fair visitation through the courts....

HOWEVER! There is a downside to this. Having him declared a legal father gives him rights that may potentially interfere with your own movements. It means you have to relinquish, at times, a little of that single mom autonomy you enjoy now. On the other hand, you get more stability and the child support. (Yes, I know you may not WANT anything from him, but it's about his responsibility to this kid, too) My ex pays $200 a month for two kids...not a drop in the bucket, but I only take it because he has had to learn he has obligations beyond playtime.
Studies have shown, too, that dads that pay support tend to spend more time with their kids, and dads that see their kids regularly tend not to be deadbeats.So that is in your favor as well. IF you decide to go the court route, start documenting every conversation, your routine, how often he contacts you to visit, how often he visits, and for how long. That will all be used to ascertain visitation schedules.

(snip of accounts of SD's visitations at friend's and mom's house as well as account of SD's attempts to worm way back into your life)


"Small fight starts to ensue while I get my mom to deal with little one. SD calls, apologizes..I proceed with my rant about how I really could give a shit less about his life. I have no interest in being friends, but that for Reilly's sake I am willing and able to be amicable, friendly when he's around, and cooperative in him seeing the baby. But that I dont care about what he's doing, or anything else unless it applies directly to my son. That I dont tell him anything about my life for that same reason, cause he doesnt need to know about it. And what in the world does he want from me? "I dont know..." said like a wounded little school boy. Fine. So line is now drawn...if he was looking to get back into my pants, he now know's it's never going to happen. "

Sounds good. Just be sure to always be polite and professional. And what you said is the truth.

"I im'ed him the other day just to see when he would like to see Reilly again. I'm only going to do this once, just to see what would happen...He's supposed to come over tomorrow for a little while...but I had to ask him if he wanted to see him for the first time in over a month. I'm sure as hell not going to do i again, especially after he tries to tell me that if I want to, I can just let him know when it's okay to see the baby. Explained to him that no, I wasn't going to do that. That in the future if he wants to see him that he should call me a couple of days in advance to make sure that we dont have plans already and that we'll make arrangements then, but that I wasnt going to decide that for him.
What all would guys do from here out? I would like some opinions on this, especially since my mom thinks that when he is here, he's taking cues from me and that's the reason why he's not interacting with Reilly. When he's here, he studies the little one, but doenst talk to him, or even ask if he can hold or play with him, adn I'm sure as hell not going to offer.

I'd see if he showed tomorrow. If he does, LEAVE him and Jr. alone!!! Your mom is absolutely right. Show him where the diapers are, the wipes, make sure he knows the basics of what to do...bottle wise, clean up wise, and burp wise, and LEAVE. You don't have to leave the house. Go into another room, pick up a book you've wanted to read, go on line, SLEEP...rent a movie... paint...I don't care. Leave those two alone. IF there is a crisis, you'll be nearby, but don't dash out there just cause Reilly starts wailing. He's gonna have to learn to trust Dad or SD, whatever he turns out to be, too. Part of this, too, is dependant on whether he wants to be a daddy or not. I think he needs to figure that out. IF he is going to be spending time with your son, IF he wants to do this on a regular basis, he is going to HAVE to go through paternity. I know you want to be nice, but there are a lot of reason, legal and emotional that come to mind.

I don't think, personally, it's too good an idea to let him come around if all he's gonna be is mommy's friend. VERY confusing, and at a later date, potentially upsetting. If he shows up tomorrow, let hims spend some time alone with Reilly, then, when he's ready to leave, try to set something up with him...for you two to meet on neutral ground, each with a wish list...what you both want in this situation. Find out what he's really thinking. Set up ground rules, in writing, and start from there.

I got a lot more to say, but I want to hear your reaction to my reaction first. :)

Bonnie
01-03-2003, 03:05 AM
um...ok, so I still haven't perfect the art of snipping with this forum...read in the colored box for most of my reply. :?

Bonnie
01-03-2003, 04:00 AM
hey, and Shannon?

Seriously...do you WANT this guy involved in Reilly's life?

How much do you want it, and why...

Answer those questions in your head before you decide what is going on. I know you think you already have, just be VERY sure. If you start this, or encourage SD to be a father, you may wind up regretting it later. Right now it's real simple. You and Reilly. Period. You decide things, you plan things, and you have no one to check in with. Don't think you'll be able to play the ruler of your own kingdom once dad checks in. They have a way of wrenching the best laid plans. (wry grin inserted here) I often say my kids' dad is involved just enough to get in my way.

IF, on the other hand, having Reilly's birth father involved is very important to you, then mush on.

(HUGS) This is a difficult situation to be in, I know.

emalia
01-03-2003, 07:41 AM
I'd see if he showed tomorrow. If he does, LEAVE him and Jr. alone!!! Your mom is absolutely right. Show him where the diapers are, the wipes, make sure he knows the basics of what to do...bottle wise, clean up wise, and burp wise, and LEAVE.

Ok.. Goddess Mommy speaking up here... I have an objection to this one.. ummm.. HELL NO!!! No And umm.. NO!!! The thought creeps me out to no end, and NO! He really wouldn't know what to do with Reilly! If Gramma was there, I could handle that one.. I just don't trust him as far as I could throw him, and don't feel that he should be completely alone in a room with Reilly, he needs someone to advise him of what to do, otherwise he won't know. I don't think he has ANY child/infant/baby experince...

The only way, IMHO, that SD should be in Reilly's life is if he can prove himself to be a positive, drug-free/clean/sober, dependable, steadily working, truthful, child support paying person. In all honesty, I don't ever see this happening. Yes, the $ would be nice, but not at Reilly's expense. I just hope that he figures out what he wants to do as well. It seems that he thinks that this is what he wants cause it will look good for him.

Bonnie
01-03-2003, 09:22 AM
ah, see?

you know the man better than I. All I'm saying is that *IF* you're doing this with an eye towards giving Reilly this man as his father, then you're gonna have to do some letting go. Now, don't get your panties in a wad, here, but that is the way it is.

If he is not trustworthy with the child, due to drugs, disinterest, mental ill health, then of course you don't leave him alone.

It's not something you like hearing, but it is the truth....that if you REALLY do want him to bond, father to son, with this child, you HAVE to let them do it alone. As long as you are in the room, he WON'T interact. Again...the NEXT room isn't so far away. And for what it's worth, I'd never even held a baby when I brought my twins home....and they survived my learning on them.

Now...sweetie....you can't have it both ways. If he's not going to be a father, then there is no reason for him to be coming around. NONE. Mommy's friend my ass. There is absolutely no benefit to you or Reilly to have him there. I say don't invite him again, and if he does contact you for another visit after today, well....

There are two thoughts here...one is to say no, until he has decided to take up the role as daddy. Cause while it's fine now, when Jr is older, it's gonna be damn confusing to him. The other is to let it roll, let the guy see him if he wants...because thwarting him entirely may piss him off enough to get him started on legal visitation...which, judging from your response above, you wouldn't want.

If you could care less if he's involved, then fine. Just make no more offers. It's not your job to encourage him to see his kid. Maybe he'll go away. (don't count on it though. It's always when we WISH they'd leave that they stick around, and bail when we want them to stay.)

Bonnie
01-03-2003, 09:26 AM
and I'm a dork that shouldn't be allowed to type before coffee. Um...I thought I was answering Shannon.

submitted it, and realized it was you. And if I keep tying apologies for my mistakes, I'll rack up the forum points right quick. :)

So just transpose her, and she instead of "you"where appropriate. sigh.

off to get coffee. :zzz: :augh:

emalia
01-03-2003, 09:57 AM
It all good.. I was just up WAY too early, have to make up time at work.. 4 extra hours in 2 days! :augh: :yuck:

It just comes down to this.. I am just not fully convinced that said SD is even bothering for the right reasons. I honestly think that he is even bothering because he is trying to impress upon someone that he thinks he is responsible.

Granted, you hadn't held babies 'til you had your twins.. But I think that you have the Maternal Gene in you.

daBaroness
01-03-2003, 10:23 AM
I'm in agreement with gramma here and once again I'm going to play a bit of devil's advocate. I'm a firm believer we need to, in most situations, put ourselves in someone else's shoes for a moment or three before we rush to judgement.

Hon, first and foremost you're hurt because you feel your son's father rejected him and you out of hand. Oh good lord, trust me I know how crappy, crappy, crappy that feels!!!! I think it may be a bit petty on his part, but logical that he'd want a paternity test. The liar, gold-digger type women long ago ruined it for the rest of us when they cried "daddy" just so their offspring could be a money-maker for 'em with some poor sap.

My first advice is do your best to put your hurt and anger away. It's only hurting all of your chances to have some sort of positive co-parenting relationship in the future. If you need to, get a third-party counselor to help mediate things at first until the major issues are on the table and you can develop a working relationship. Yep - I know it sounds sterile, but that's what you need - a co-parenting relationship that works - in whatever form that takes.

I think it's most important to remember this is no longer about you and Reilly's father - it's about Reilly and what is best for him. The needs of a four-month-old are pretty simple - give it 10 years and it's a completely different ballgame!!!!!

Believe me, I really know where you are. I have two sons, both born out-of-wedlock to men who were bad choices on my part - but waddya do after the egg is fertilized? The oldest will turn 18 this Sunday - and the last time he saw his father was 17 years and nine months ago. I never put financial constraints or anything in his father, but he chose to deny Cam's existence. His loss. But I know that opinion is pretty cavalier of me ... I know in the past 18 years Cameron has silently wished he at least knew what his father looked like. I've never said anything bad about his father, I've merely told him it was his father's choice not to have contact and it's my personal belief he's the one who's missed the most. Cam has formed his own opinions about his father, but I know I've left the door open for Cam to do whatever he sees fit as he grows to adulthood.

My youngest's dad is basically a good person - and loves Taylor endlessly - but it's because of me they have a relationship. His dad was a raging addict when he was born - and continued in a downward spiral for about five or six years after he was born. It was tough as hell trying to make a good choice about when and if his dad should see him for a number of years. Try to comfort a 2-year-old who doesn't understand why his daddy has to go back to drug rehab on Christmas day and screams, cries, and rips your heart out as you drive 30 miles back home ...

But his dad finally wised up and got sober - nearly five years now. It's been, and continues to be a challenge to create a situation where Terry can really be a dad. Some of it has been trial and error, some of it has been giant leaps of faith, and some of it has just been a wing and a prayer. Today they have a great relationship - Taylor spends every Sunday and Sunday night with his dad - they talk on the phone every day and they have gone on several vacations together. His dad does his best to help me financially when he can, and struggles (as does any parent) to do the best to guide and help Taylor with his problems.

I know (and this is key) Taylor's dad will probably never make a good full-time parent. Sometimes it frustrates the heck outta me - that I'm the one who has to do the really difficult stuff. But I also know how much better Taylor is having his dad in his life and knowing he's loved by both parents. I also know Taylor would like to see us together - and that will NEVER happen ... but we're both honest about that with him, and do our best to deal with him as coparents.

Hon, each situation is different, and I've spent many sleepless nights over the years wondering about my choices where the boy's fathers are concerned. If I'd had my way, I'd have forged a relationship with Cam's father as I have with Taylor's - but I didn't have that choice. Fortunately, Taylor's father loves Cam as well as Taylor and has done his best to be there for Cam, too. It's not the same as having your own dad, but it has to do.

I guess what I'm saying (longwindedly) is ... don't dismiss Reilly's father out of hand because you're hurt. Being a mom often means sucking it up and putting on a happy face for your child. Give it time - Reilly is so young and has a lifetime ahead of him. Give his father time to bond with him without you hovering over them. I think your mom is very wise - seek her motherly love and counsel. Keep an open mind and heart and let things fall into place gently and over time.

Being a parent is the toughest job you'll never have training for. It's new for you - and the uncharted is frightening. Think of how it must be for Reilly's father ... I'm sure he's petrified on so many levels. Show him how to provide some basic baby care and let them have time together to bond and get to know one another as other's have suggested.

Biggest thing - give it time, patience, prayers, and love. Put your own feelings on the back burner and put Reilly's needs for a relationship with both parents on the front burner. Again, what a four-month-old needs and what a 15-year-old needs are worlds apart, but you have to think of the future even while you're struggling with the present.

Please, please, please, above all else, let love lead the way. Let your love for your son guide all you do and leave, to the best of your ability, your fears, hurt, anger, etc., far away from the situation. Don't let the bad experiences of other women sway you into making YOUR decision. And remember - we ALL make mistakes ... and continue to make them. But if love of our child is our compass, then the mistakes pale in its wake.

I bid you love, wisdom, empathy, patience, joy, strength, hope, and humor.

da Baroness

Tink
01-03-2003, 10:55 AM
I'm not a mom, so I don't know if my thoughts count here, but here goes:

I agree with Bonnie in that if this guy is not willing to take a full active roll as Reilly's dad...what do either of you need him coming around for? Especailly if what Emalia wrote about him having all those problems is accurate. He doesn't sound like a stable person.

What's more...if the guy isn't seeking to be a dad, then why does *he* need to come around? Perhaps guilt, perhaps looking for sympathy and thinking you'll see his efforts in a favorable light which then he hopes will allow him to call upon you when his chips are down? None of these things benefit your son.

Kids need stability, more than they need a dad figure. Better Reilly have the stability of you and your folks without intermittent visits from a "friend", psuedo-dad, etc.

I say don't make an effort to contact/encourage him to be part of Reilly's life. If he truly wants it, he'll work for it. If he fooks off......When Reilly is grown-up, if he chooses to try and forge a relationship with his dad, that can be his choice then.

I hate to relate such a difficult, real life situation to a movie, but when I read what Emalia said about the SD having those problems, I immediately thought of that movie "Riding in Cars with Boys", where Drew Barrymore as a mom of a son has to make a painful decision to kick her husband out of her life to save her son from the bad influence (he was a drunk and took heroin, couldn't hold a job, etc) and so that she can make something of herself to better her and her son's life. In that scenario, the boy is like 5 and is VERY attached to his dad, so it is harsh when he goes away.

My point here, is that Reilly, does not have such an attachment to the SD, so him going away will have no adverse effect on him. I worry of what will happen if the SD does come around and Reilly gets attached to him and then one day "poof" the guy disappears....

As for the other topic...the SD may indeed, not interact with Reilly because you are there and he is afraid of you interfering or judging how he interacts. There's the possibility that he is absolutely terrified of accidentally hurting him because he has no experience with babies. I have a friend who's husband had never held a baby and was truly terrified that he might hurt one if he picked them up wrong, etc. So it may not be disinterest. Watching may be the only way he is comfortable. As for not speaking, he may be afraid of saying the wrong thing. Sorry if I sound like I'm defending him now...just want to give another side.

It's tough though, if he did come around could you trust him to not tell Reilly he was his dad when you aren't there to prevent him from doing so? That's a factor to consider.

If he doesn't show tomorow, write him off. If he does show, I say you have a serious talk about the situation. Make the well-being of Reilly VERY clear to the SD and that you will take not even a microbe of crap when it comes too him. This guy plays by your rules or he walks. I would also ask him why he never touches Reilly or speaks to him when he is there. Maybe he will tell you why and then you can better assess what's going on.

Lastly and most importantly....I have to say that if this guy does have a drug problem, or can't hold a job, etc....Screw everything I said and tell him you do not want him involved with Reilly in any way while he's such a mess. If he wants to be in his life, he MUST clean up his act.

Kids notice way more than we give them credit for and as Reilly grows up, he will recognize the bad and you don't want him to emulate it out of blind love or admiration for this guy.

PirateKisses
01-03-2003, 11:38 AM
As the mother of a Daddyless WIT, I feel I have to chime in here. Rhiannon's father and I were in a committed relationship when I got pregnant. He was all gung-ho about the baby until she actually got here. Then he said, and I quote, "The only way you'll ever get a dime from me to help support that brat is with a court order."

Rhiannon's SD has seen her twice in her 5 1/2 yrs. Did I take his worthless ass to court for child support? You better believe it. Especially after he called me to complain about his then girlfriend's ex and how he never did anything to support her son. To which I promptly told him it was the pot calling the kettle black. That was met with, "I should have known that you'd twist this around to make it about you and be a bitch about it."

After all the paternity tests were said and done and it was proven that he was indeed Rhiannon's father, I gave him the ultimatum: Either get in her life forever or get the hell out. I will NOT have him strolling in and out at his convenience confusing the hell out of my daughter. I will NOT have him playing with her emotions by promising to come see her and then not showing up. I will NOT have him wrecking havoc on my daughter's well-being by exposing her to his drug-selling friends. I will NOT have him screwing with her life in any form or fashion. I promised him that should he ever get the notion into his twisted little mind to mess with Rhiannon, that there would not be enough of him to identify...and he apparently believes me on that one. I told him that he could screw with me all he wanted because I was a grown up and I could deal with it, but he would NOT be allowed to screw with my baby's life and well-being. BTW, his mother was given the same ultimatum. To date, she has NEVER so much as called to see how her only grand-daughter is doing.

So my advice to you is to give this loser the ultimatum. Get in or get the hell out and stay out. Do I feel sorry for him? No, but I do feel pity for what he's missing. Rhiannon is an amazing little girl who is smart and beautiful and strong. And she is all of those things because of the strong people I have chosen to surround her with. These people are my village and they are playfully called my Village People. These are the people who love my daughter with all their hearts and would go to the mat for either of us in any situation.

PK
who will step down off her Mother Lioness soap box.

Bonnie
01-03-2003, 11:46 AM
yay PK!!

Ok..I'll shut up, and let her do all the talking. She's got the right of it. Put it much more succinctly than I could.

emalia
01-03-2003, 11:55 AM
After all the paternity tests were said and done and it was proven that he was indeed Rhiannon's father, I gave him the ultimatum: Either get in her life forever or get the hell out. I will NOT have him strolling in and out at his convenience confusing the hell out of my daughter. I will NOT have him playing with her emotions by promising to come see her and then not showing up. I will NOT have him wrecking havoc on my daughter's well-being by exposing her to his drug-selling friends. I will NOT have him screwing with her life in any form or fashion. I promised him that should he ever get the notion into his twisted little mind to mess with Rhiannon, that there would not be enough of him to identify...and he apparently believes me on that one. I told him that he could screw with me all he wanted because I was a grown up and I could deal with it, but he would NOT be allowed to screw with my baby's life and well-being. BTW, his mother was given the same ultimatum. To date, she has NEVER so much as called to see how her only grand-daughter is doing.

So my advice to you is to give this loser the ultimatum. Get in or get the hell out and stay out. Do I feel sorry for him? No, but I do feel pity for what he's missing. Rhiannon is an amazing little girl who is smart and beautiful and strong. And she is all of those things because of the strong people I have chosen to surround her with. These people are my village and they are playfully called my Village People. These are the people who love my daughter with all their hearts and would go to the mat for either of us in any situation.

PK
who will step down off her Mother Lioness soap box.



:bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bananada:
I knew I liked you!!! In all honesty, as Reilly's Goddess Mom, I look at it this way.. He needs to step up or bow out.. I can understand wanting to test the waters, really I do.. But he needs to get his act straight, and from what I understand he is trying.. So I have to give him a little credit there..

And by the way, village people RAWK!

Harp.. I know that things are rough as hell sometimes, but have I told you lately how proud I am???

Belladonna
01-03-2003, 01:16 PM
Baroness...let me fill you in. Said SD did not walk out on me. I kicked his sorry lazy ass out and told him to hit the road. A month later I found out I was prego, and ONLY told him because I thought it was in all fairness. Looking back I probably should have just kept my mouth shut.

I'm not hurt that he walked out on Reilly I expected him to. And he sure as hell didnt walk out on me.

I'm pissed at him for being not worth the carbon...

Dmitri
01-03-2003, 02:00 PM
Hi... Not sure if a Guy's POV is warranted, but Tink knows how hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut... And I sense more than a little "general" man bashing in this thread...

As the father of a 3.5 year old little girl, I can't see her NOT being in my life. (I have friends who say that if anything ever happened to little Katya, they would put me on a 24/7 suicide watch) So I cannot fathom a father not wanting to be involved with their child... I pains me every time I go to work "You can stay home with me today?"

being away from her for a couple of days I go into bad withdrawal.

Anyway, I know that when she was born I was terrified I would break her. Regardless that she came out at a whopping 10lbs. I didn't know what to do or say... Sometimes I still don't as I'm so in awe of what her mother and I created.

I agree that this guy needs to put up or shut up. But you should give him enough rope to hang HIMSELF... Don't force the kid on him but don't just sit there and let him stare... give him a frelling picture if he wants to do that. Let him to hold the baby while you do something. regardless of what you might feel about him, That IS his kid... that little sweetheart wouldn't be here without him and He has as much right to be in his life as you do, IF that's what he wants and he proves it. If what you believe to be true is, he will fall by the wayside anyway.

At least he can never say you kept his son away from him. He kept himself away from his son...

Sorry if this comes out belligerent, I just had thoughts of someone getting between me and my Katya... I may have said things abit ramblingly...

Tink
01-03-2003, 03:17 PM
Hi... Not sure if a Guy's POV is warranted, but Tink knows how hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut... And I sense more than a little "general" man bashing in this thread...

*g* YEP...I do, but that's one of the things I like about you :D

Not male bashing at all here Dmitri, if this was a woman who skipped out on her kid, leaving him with the dad, I'd say all the same things. I guess calling the guy SD (sperm donor) is what makes it appear we're bashing? Think that was done more for his anonymity and to keep things simple to those just reading so the many names don't confuse...

As for sounding belligerent, not at all. You made some good points, which I am sure the ladies here will appreciate as well.

I especially like the thought of giving him the rope, but he can hang HIMSELF. It kind of puts into words a thought I had, which was "why should mom have it on her head that she took daddy away"?....it isn't fair. Let the blame be *his* if he is given the opportunity to be a part of Reilly's life and he blows it......HOWEVER, NOT at Reilly's expense, so I still think talking to the guy to find out just exactly *what* his intentions are is a wise move BEFORE he is allowed to just saunter right in to take a crack at it.

I think this guy should KNOW that he WANTS to be a permanent fixture ... just trying it out, to me, doesn't cut it. This is a child, not a car he can test drive and return if he doesn't like it. There are emotions at stake here that can scar him for life....or at least through thousands in therapy.

And AGAIN he MUST have his shit together.

Belladonna
01-03-2003, 04:09 PM
Thank you all and T...I didnt realize it till now, but no you havent told me and I'ma bout ready to cry.

Okay so SD showed up...early. Like by an hour. I was feeding Reilly. Got done feeding him, changed his diaper then promptly handed him to the SD while I went to use the bathroom. Gramma was with him, so all's good there. He interacted, played, talked to him. Talked to us. Yadda yadda. Stuck around till Reilly was asleep. Even picked him up when Reilly started to get fussy and tried to calm him. I know he's been around kids before cause all of his friends who had children were constantly telling me how good of a dad he's going to be one day.....*yeah right*

So I dunno. I've told him that he gets this one shot. That I wont tell him when his time is up, as for right now there isnt a time line but one day there will be and I will notify him. He says that he wants to do this right and go to court, do everything, etc. So we shall see. I've made it clear to him that it's either in or out...but that's it. If he walks, dont come back ever.

Life sucks sometimes. :(

Tink
01-03-2003, 04:40 PM
Good for you Hon. :)

You are a good person to allow him this chance.

Glad also that you did lay it on the line to him.

I am hoping for Reilly's sake that he steps up to the plate and stays in the game.

Bean
01-03-2003, 05:09 PM
After reading this thread, all I can say is I am thankful I don't plan on having any kids. I don't begrudge you that do, more power to you.... I just know that I don't have the patience and wouldn't be good at being a parent. I love my nieces and nephews do death and I spoil them rotten (I'm the COOL aunt), but I like my peace and quiet.

I honestly hope that things turn out for the best, for everyone involved in the situation, but most of all for Reilly. All you can do is give it your best effort...... hang in there......

Betsy

Dmitri
01-03-2003, 05:44 PM
Thanks Tink... Man if I wasn't taken...

Bella, sounds like he "may" be coming around. Maybe I'm just a guy whose totally in love with his child that I can't see a father NOT being that way once the preliminary shock wears off.

Course Kaity had me wrapped around her finger in the delivery room...

Everyone tells me she better ugly up before she's a teen or I'm in trouble...

I'm in Trouble... :D

PirateKisses
01-03-2003, 07:04 PM
Dmitri-

You are the kind of man that most of us would love to as our children's father. You are totally in love with you child...as it should be. I don't want you to think that we're man-bashing, because if it were a woman, I'd be right on her, too.

The fact that you love your little Katya so much brings a huge smile to my lips. When Rhiannon's "father" left us, one ofhis reasons he gave was "but you love the baby more than you love me." To which I responded with a resounding, "Duh! You should love her that way, too! She should be your priority now. She should be the reason you want to wake up in the morning, the reason that you want to take your next breath." Apparently not. But I have always felt that Rhiannon got the long end of this stick. She doesn't have someone flitting in and out of her life and she has a stable set of people who adore her.

So Dmitri, my hat comes off to you in your devotion to your little one! It's one of the reasons that I respect you so much. When I read what you say about her, I can almost see you glow. Now that's what being a Daddy is all about.

PK

Oh yeah, one more little minor rant. Dmitri is a true Daddy. You earn being a Daddy. Being a Daddy means that you love your children with the fiercest of devotion and even when they push you to your limits, you still love them. Anyone can be a father. To quote the movie Parenthood: "They'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father." So to that I'll add, it takes someone special to be a Daddy.

PK
who's really going this time...

Tink
01-03-2003, 09:55 PM
Thanks Tink... Man if I wasn't taken...

Bella, sounds like he "may" be coming around. Maybe I'm just a guy whose totally in love with his child that I can't see a father NOT being that way once the preliminary shock wears off.

Course Kaity had me wrapped around her finger in the delivery room...

Everyone tells me she better ugly up before she's a teen or I'm in trouble...

I'm in Trouble... :D

First off awwww.... :oops:

Second, but actually more important....yep buddy you *are* in trouble BIG TIME because Katya is gorgeous already. If you need support...I'm sure Lars can commiserate with you on your future woes....given how beautiful Rhiannon turned out AND she's a TEEN now. Gods give the man strength. :lol:

Good thing those young ladies have awesome dad's with sharp weapons and absolutely NO qualms about placing anyone that even tried to harm them into a shallow grave.... :twisted:

I don't want kids, but when I see Dmitri with Katya, I think if I found a guy as dedicated to being a great dad, I might change my mind.

Okay, sounding like a groupie now so I'll stop.

I agree with one of my cohorts who said earlier that they don't envy the difficulties of being a parent. So:

AMEN-SISTA FRIEND.