PDA

View Full Version : Dearest Pets....



Buxom Wench
06-13-2005, 02:45 PM
Dearest Pets....

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not
stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other pet's butt. I cannot
stress this enough!!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats
are better than kids ..they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are
easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang
out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having
to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a
gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the
children.

Tapestry MacGillicuddly
06-13-2005, 03:13 PM
Dearest Owner,

As your adopted, short, furry, son/daughter, anything you have is automatically granted to us. Putting a paw print in the middle is a meer courtesy, so that you will know we've been licking everything on the plate, tasting for suitability of eating. We may be back later. We might not. You are welcome to share what has now been claimed by us.

We realize that you can't get the excitement levels generated by NASCAR participation, in your daily exercise program. We are trying to help with the aerobic rate of your heart beat and improve on your reflexes. We trust you will do everything in your power to not land on us if you do fall. And if you do happen to land on us, we will yeowl, bark, and whine to make you feel suitable amounts of guilt. We will also limp over to the couch and provide appropriate levels of comfort as you recover. Please don't forget to hobble over to fill our food and water bowls. We still need that nourishment, even if we are also eating your food.

Speaking of food. We would appreciate if you would think of better food items when you shop. Remember SHRIMP, LOBSTER, PRIME RIB, etc are our favorite too.

You could get the CALIFORNIA King bed. That would provide a few extra inches for you to occupy. We copy our sleeping positions from you, dearest owner. And if sleeping curled in a ball is so great, why aren't you? Do you realize curling in a ball conserves body heat? Do you realize it is roasting inside this fur coat??? We gotta stretch out to the max, extending every possible body part to get as much air as possible to cool down. Besides, sleeping lined up is neater than this ball of fur here and that ball of fur there, we're actually trying to save a bit of space.

We fear for your safey in the bathroom, dearest owner. Bathrooms are very unsafe places, the majority of accidents in the home happen in the bathroom. If you were to get hurt who would feed us?

Proper order schmorder... we wash our butts more than you do. They're clean we tell you!!! Talk about being anal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tapestry MacGillicuddly
06-13-2005, 03:18 PM
Buxom Wench, I laughed til I cried and it took forever to get thru reading your notice to your pets.

I'm glad to see I am not the only one in this situation and that thing about the kissing & sniffing makes me glad I only have the one pet, my cat. HOWEVER, he does tend to bathe first and kiss later. I try to take heart in the fact that he wants all of him to be conspicuously clean before he romances me into tossing him kitty treats.

And he sat behind my chair dictating the pets eye view of the situation... after he got done glaring at me for laughing so long and loudly that I interrupted his nap.

Tap ;~D

Lady Laurel
06-13-2005, 03:24 PM
I loved it. :meow:

Scarlett Rogue
06-13-2005, 03:35 PM
Excellent! :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
and so very accurate! I HAVE a California king bed ...still not enough room for me!

Miracle Wench
06-13-2005, 05:03 PM
This is great :lol: BUT
When I was reading there where things in there I had to think was this about my cat or dog or my husband :lol: oops sorry man bashing :lol: :twisted:

Morgana
06-13-2005, 06:01 PM
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: Terrific , including the response !

Morgana

Myfanawy
06-13-2005, 07:21 PM
I agree with Morgana!

I especially liked...



4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats
are better than kids ..they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are
easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang
out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having
to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a
gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the
children.

Ain't that the truth.
--M

Cassandra from VTRF
06-15-2005, 07:00 PM
*falls on the floor laughing*

I read that to my hubby, who thought it funny as well.

Alianne
06-15-2005, 11:36 PM
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

My kittens have been visiting your house, haven't they?

Here's my contribution:

If you want my attention, please just come to me and look cute. I will be happy to pet you and give you lots of kitty love. Please do not feel it is necessary to bring me offerings of dirty socks as you meow in a piteous manner. The Sock Gods do not appreciate the sacrifice of Their Children and the humans in the house require two socks for their two feet. Keeping pairs together appeases the Sock Gods and helps assure that their One Minion of Evil (aka 'the dryer') does not get instructions to consume One Sock.

Mistress Kath the Innkeep
06-16-2005, 01:17 AM
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Hey, mine speak very clearly...

No
NOW!
Not now
Uh-oh
I don't wannit

:meow: :meow:

Kath

ambar
06-16-2005, 11:17 AM
Kath - Same with my two girls. Add to that list

Your nuts!
I didn't do it.
I meant to do that

It all adds up to being a kept servent of my two masters in fur.

:meow: :snicker:

Tapestry MacGillicuddly
06-16-2005, 12:10 PM
My kittens have been visiting your house, haven't they?

Here's my contribution:

If you want my attention, please just come to me and look cute. I will be happy to pet you and give you lots of kitty love. Please do not feel it is necessary to bring me offerings of dirty socks as you meow in a piteous manner. The Sock Gods do not appreciate the sacrifice of Their Children and the humans in the house require two socks for their two feet. Keeping pairs together appeases the Sock Gods and helps assure that their One Minion of Evil (aka 'the dryer') does not get instructions to consume One Sock.

You're in PA... I got my cat in PA... your kittens and my cat have GOT to be related...

Eek has had this stocking / shoe / slipper / foot fetish since he was 4 weeks old. He steals my stocking, chews my shoes and slippers and loves to hug, kiss, rub against my feet. When he was teething, he stole my mother's slippers and socks out of a zippered suitcase. She had put them in there to keep them from going missing again. "Zippers?" he scoffs at them. She found her slippers down in the living room, soggy with little bitty spots of blood and a couple of baby teeth laying nearby.

He reaches thru the vent holes in the laundry hamper and steals my stockings. He gets on top of my dresser to reach down into a slightly opened dresser drawer. (I never seem to get that drawer shut all the way, but I'm getting better at it) When I have visitors, I have to tell them that the stockings on the floor are NOT mine... they are the cat's! He plays with them like they are a mouse, tossing them in the air, chasing them, killing them, rubbing them all over his body... :rotfl: :meow: :lumpy:

Ariel
06-16-2005, 01:26 PM
My youngest kitty is deaf so her big thing is climbing on furniture and knocking things on to the floor to see if it gets our attention. She has no concept of how loud certain things can be when she bats them onto the floor, or how fragile some things are. It's gotten to the point where our most fragile things are tacked to the furniture with that gummy tack stuff. :lol:
The other three cats and dog all have their own quirks too! One has taken to lying on the marble top of the kitchen table, whether I'm doing something there or not. Its been so hot lately and having cat face in your sweaty face while you're trying to type on a laptop to file your story before your editor comes calling is somewhat difficult! :D

Ariel
06-16-2005, 01:27 PM
Sorry, double post. Isn't there a way to delete these things???

Lady Laurel
06-16-2005, 01:30 PM
It all adds up to being a kept servent of my two masters in fur.

Ain't that the truth :lol:

Scarlett Rogue
06-17-2005, 10:10 AM
It all adds up to being a kept servent of my two masters in fur.

Ain't that the truth :lol:

eh, mine have me reasonbly well trained by this point. I know when to feed, when to give treats, and when to move off the "special" cushion on the sofa. Pag's is still working on training me to throw the ball for her at 2 in the morning though :shock: I'm balking on that ;)


I have strange animals :D My part lab was raised by my cat ....and for years it wasn't unusual to find them BOTH laying on the kitchen table sound asleep ...the lab would hop right on up there with "momma cat".

One day I came home to find "momma cat's" head completely inside Pag's mouth, the cat purring and both of them sound asleep.