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Vixynne Rose
08-24-2009, 02:56 PM
(No, no, I haven't been banned from WalMart--enjoy the tale, though!)

_________________________________________

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Gilbert,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras ...

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,
Wal-Mart

Kat Sparrow
08-24-2009, 04:14 PM
(No, no, I haven't been banned from WalMart--enjoy the tale, though!)

_________________________________________

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Gilbert,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras ...

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,
Wal-Mart

*Falls over laughing* I've done numbers 14, 11, 8,6, 1, and 2....good times! :lol:

Redbird Annie Cardinal
08-24-2009, 10:18 PM
Since none of you know my son's name, or where he lives, he shouldn't be too mad at me for posting this on such a public forum!

He and a friend of his went to the local 24 hour Walmart around midnight. They paid the kid who was out in the parking lot $10 for his blue Walmart apron-like thing they wear over their clothes. Then my son and his friend each took turns inside walking around wearing it. When one wore it, the other was nearby. Whenever someone asked for directions, of course neither guy had any idea, so they just made up directions, then quick switched the apron-thing to the other, so when the person came back and saw the apron-thing, whoever was wearing it could say, no, it wasn't me you asked for directions. They did this for about an hour while the cart kid sat in his car and took an extended break.

How they didn't end up in jail, with some of the pranks they've pulled, I don't know.

SpeedKnight
08-24-2009, 10:40 PM
I have to admit, this list of infractions had me rolling. I might have tried #1 back in my more deviant days.

And, now, I have to ask... show of hands now... how many of us have gone to a 24hour grocery store at midnightish? In sneakers, a tee shirt, and boxers? With nothing but mother nature under said boxers?

Just curious. It's not like I've done that. Outside of Indiana.

Gemdrite
08-24-2009, 11:29 PM
I have to admit, this list of infractions had me rolling. I might have tried #1 back in my more deviant days.

And, now, I have to ask... show of hands now... how many of us have gone to a 24hour grocery store at midnightish? In sneakers, a tee shirt, and boxers? With nothing but mother nature under said boxers?

Just curious. It's not like I've done that. Outside of Indiana.
Not me, but I have gone to Walmart at about 10pm in a tshirt, shorts, and flip flops. In February. In Wisconsin. And jumped out into the middle of a snow bank. And then walked through the store. (Though, in my defense, I couldn't *not* jump in the snow. They really needed to plow!)

Kat Sparrow
08-25-2009, 12:14 AM
Not me, but I have gone to Walmart at about 10pm in a tshirt, shorts, and flip flops. In February. In Wisconsin. And jumped out into the middle of a snow bank. And then walked through the store. (Though, in my defense, I couldn't *not* jump in the snow. They really needed to plow!)

I've gone to wallyworld in daisy dukes, an oversized t-shirt, and flip flops before and if memory serves, it was raining that day....:blech:. Anyways, I know how it goes and it's definitely no fun lol.

'Nise
08-25-2009, 11:55 AM
Reminds me of this...
http://improveverywhere.com/2006/04/23/best-buy/

SpeedKnight
08-25-2009, 05:06 PM
I've gone to wallyworld in daisy dukes, an oversized t-shirt, and flip flops before and if memory serves, it was raining that day....:blech:. Anyways, I know how it goes and it's definitely no fun lol.

I speak for all my brother rogues when I say we need photographic evidence.

Gem... I most likely committed the previously mentioned act in the November or December time frame. In Indiana. In rain. And snow. Didn't jump in any snow, though. It hadn't snowed that much yet. :)

Tempest_Gypsy
08-25-2009, 09:52 PM
I have to admit, this list of infractions had me rolling. I might have tried #1 back in my more deviant days.

And, now, I have to ask... show of hands now... how many of us have gone to a 24hour grocery store at midnightish? In sneakers, a tee shirt, and boxers? With nothing but mother nature under said boxers?

Just curious. It's not like I've done that. Outside of Indiana.

Not in those clothes, but I remember a particular 2 a.m. trip in which my roommate molested me with an eggplant, and we pointed and laughed at the "meat sticks" for about ten minutes....

merestelle
08-28-2009, 08:22 PM
My Grandfather went into a small department store that was holding a sidewalk sale and asked to buy the sidewalk. When the clerk tried to explain that the sidewalk wasn't for sale he pitched a fit and demanded to talk to the manager. Fortunately the manager was my uncle.

Kat Sparrow
08-28-2009, 10:41 PM
I speak for all my brother rogues when I say we need photographic evidence.

Gem... I most likely committed the previously mentioned act in the November or December time frame. In Indiana. In rain. And snow. Didn't jump in any snow, though. It hadn't snowed that much yet. :)

Well my Dear, the next time I feel the urge to go wandering though a wal-mart in said attire I'll stop in at the photo center and have them take a few shots for the sake of evidence, sound good? :wink:

daBaroness
08-29-2009, 08:23 AM
OK - I'll play. My friends Vicki, Phyllis and I had a blast working out our scripts each year for our stage show, MentalPause. When we'd brainstorm, it was pretty X-rated, but much of the material we came up with could be PG'd and we'd use it in our show. We had a new show every year and during the course of the season we'd throw in ad-libs that went over so well we'd keep them.

Our first year we did a whole schtick about Jen (Phyllis) being cheap and easy - and how she'd roll her prices back just like Walmart. Well, one night after faire, Vic and I decided we HAD to have one of the smiley face rollback signs so we headed off to the closest store to the festival on State Ave in Kansas City, Kansas. (Not the best of neighborhoods BTW.) You'd think two old broads would just ask the management if we could have a sign ... but NOOOOOOOO - we went skulking around until we found the perfect sign - in the men's dept.

Vic snatched it right out of the holder and stuffed it under the papers on the clipboard she's brought with her. We were laughing like drunken school girls when we wondered if our caper had been caught on one of the overhead cameras. Yikes! We went through the checkout line and I'm sure we looked guilty as homemade sin. But we made it to the car and out of the parking lot without being apprehended. (Like they'd bother.)

We felt quite satisfied with ourselves on our late-night highjinx caper. We didn't tell Phyllis we had the sign until we made the Walmart comment in our show and I whipped it out and held it up over her. The audience howled and Phyllis completely lost it!

I wonder if the security cameras did catch us and just provided a good laugh to the loss prevention department ...