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lady Amalthea
08-12-2010, 08:06 PM
I need advice. What do you do when you're living with someone who goes into severe rages and gets angry at any little disagreement, breaks things and generally can get very scary. This is my brother I'm talking about. I cannot afford to move out and neither can he, we both still live at home. There are times I am scared of what he will do when he gets into these fits. My mom works night shifts and sleeps during the day. I have talked to her but there is nothing that she can do, she knows he gets angry but has not seen him in his full rages like I have.

Today he came home after work and slammed the door, breaking it. then started raging about how stupid and idiotic all drivers except him are, including me. When I didn't respond he said he really should buy a gun and start shooting drivers car tires so they will learn to drive correctly as he put it.

There are times when I am scared to be in the same house with him. Because sometimes he will knock on my door to tell me something and i don't respond how he thinks I should he goes off in a huff and slams my door or punchs a hole in the way.

Please, any advice is welcome. I don't know what to do.

The 6th Rogue
08-12-2010, 10:11 PM
I hate to say it but the police have to take over where the parents fail. If you brother refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem and should seek help (there is free counseling offered in every corner of the USA so not being able to afford it isn't an excuse) and will take it out on others then he has to also deal with the results of his actions.

Does he drink or do drugs as well? Most things in that category (save pot, I've NEVER seen a pot smoker start a fight while high) exacerbate the issue instead of salve it.

If he just tosses fits and makes threats it's one thing but if he actually does more than crack door frames you might want to keep 911 handy.

Ysobelle
08-13-2010, 01:51 AM
You don't have to be in a relationship with a guy to call a domestic violence hotline for help. They'll have advice for you, and maybe for your mom. This isn't normal. This isn't right. Don't think it's you, or it's all in your head. He has serious problems, and you need to protect yourself. If he's talking about buying a gun, you need some help, there. Please let us know what happens. I worry.

Mistress Morigianna
08-13-2010, 03:26 AM
I second the counciling and getting help. Who is paying to fix the door and the holes in the wall?

BTW- I have scars from someone who got angry and hurt people on "just pot"

lady Amalthea
08-13-2010, 06:27 AM
he actually fixes everything he breaks himself. He doesn't drink or do drugs, that much I know. He's never made threat to me either. I swear I think he is bipolar, I've seen people who are and he seems to have the the major mood swing symptoms, sometimes he says he is too. But he doesn't like doctor or taking meds(won't even take med for high blood pressure)
My mom know he has anger issues but doesn't know what she can do, he's 33 so she can't force him to do anything. I don't know, I am just so sick of living with him.

Phoenix McHeit
08-13-2010, 07:50 AM
he's 33 so she can't force him to do anything.

Yes, actually, she can. He's living in her home, she has every right to call the hospital for assistance with this. She can even go so far as to have him involuntarily committed in a mental hospital for the requisite 72 hour hold 'for observation'.

One does not have to be a minor child to have things forced upon them. Especially when their actions are a danger to themselves or others.

Please, Lady A - get help. Get help before it's too late.

lady Amalthea
08-13-2010, 08:16 AM
I'll try talking to my mom again. His rages seem to be mainly, but not always triggered by traffic and driving. Which is why I never ride in a car with him. If we have to go somewhere together I drive and he complains about how I drive like a granny(I follow the speed limits and all traffic laws). Sometimes I would rather have my drunken stepfather back, at least when he was drunk he just passed out non functional.

Phoenix McHeit
08-13-2010, 09:18 AM
Honey that's even worse. How would you cope if he - in a rage - ended up killing some family in a minivan? For the horrible crime of perhaps not using a turn signal? For that matter, how would HE cope? You say he fixes the things he breaks, which means he probably feels remorse for the rages. But can't (or doesn't want to) stop them while they're happening.

I'm in no way a doctor, nor do I pretend to know everything about this, but it sounds like he has some sort of chemical imbalance in his brain which causes these flashes. Nobody did anything to help him learn to cope when he was a child, so now instead of tantrums in a 6 yr old, you have to deal with a full grown adult man - with adult strength - acting like a spoiled brat. Kids are sorry too, after a tantrum. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. (And no, I'm not saying kids who throw tantrums have a chemical imbalance, it's just an analogy)

Lady A - if your mother won't call for help, you must. Please. For everyone's sake - but especially your brother's. Help him get control of himself. It's the greatest gift.

Lady Hefron
08-13-2010, 10:39 AM
Get help for all of your sakes. Seriously, if you have to live in this situation you need to get the authorities or a doctor involved immediately. It could be a number of things including severe depression (which often presents as rage in men).

daBaroness
08-13-2010, 03:26 PM
Trust me - driving and road rage are not his issue - they're a trigger or a symptom.

At 33 your brother should be on his own, not terrorizing his sister and causing his mother to shut down emotionally. There is something seriously wrong and I would guess it is NOT bi-polar. The man his issues that are obviously not being addressed. Yes, he does need counseling and he probably needs medication. But that's not easy - particularly in someone who bristles at the slightest thing and suggesting counseling and medication will certainly cause a hissy fit.

You didn't mention whether he's raged all of his life or whether it has recently escalated. Has there been some exacerbating event (divorce, loss of job, etc.) that might be contributing to his stress and anger?

Again, he needs professional help - but the first place I'd start is on you. Do some research about mental health resources in your community. Your local health department may be a good place to start - or your county or municipality. You can make an appointment for yourself to go and discuss your brother and how his behavior has become intolerable and perhaps the professional can help direct you to the appropriate resources.

I'm sad to say your mother seems to have given up and just avoids the problem with her work schedule. It's not a healthy situation all the way around - for any of you. Whatever you do - don't do nothing. The problem will not get better on its own - and apparently your brother needs an audience to rage for - and that's just a no-win for you especially.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

lady Amalthea
08-13-2010, 03:32 PM
There has been no event which has triggered these rages, it's part of who he is, ever since puberty. He does suffer from low self esteem and image, but otherwise tends to not have any empathy towards anyone. But yet he does is some way, when my dad was diagnosed with kidney failure 3 years ago, my brother spent days researching it and helping dad and still does. When mom was diagnosed with celiac, again he spent days researching it and recipes and cooks her meals that she can eat.

Margaret
08-13-2010, 04:15 PM
It takes an extreme sociopathic personality NOT to have some sort of empathy.

It sounds as if your brother can be a very kind and caring person. However, the rage issues is controling his life and yours. He needs help. If he's not going to seek it on his own, then you need to help him.

Take care of yourself.

Ravin' Raven
08-13-2010, 09:48 PM
There has been no event which has triggered these rages, it's part of who he is, ever since puberty.

This, in fact, very well coudl have been the trigger. If his hormone production, especially testosterone are not functioning properly (e.g., too much testosterone not enough progesterone and estrogen derivatives) it can axplain some things.

Ysobelle
08-13-2010, 11:11 PM
Could he fall somewhere on the autism/Asperger's spectrum?

Tink
08-13-2010, 11:31 PM
Take my advice....do everything you can to move out. I'm not kidding. If your parents refuse to address this, then it's all you can do. Find roommates. Just rent out a room somewhere, but get out.

I lived with my older sister and dealt with her severe mood swings, rages, and irrational behavior for the first 22 years of my life. She was 7 years older than me so when we were younger, when she got physical, I couldn't do much. I just had to take it. Thankfully, she was wise enough to realize that if she ever seriously hurt me, my dad would've knocked her ass for loop so she never hit me too hard, but when you're 7 and your sibling is 14, that smack feels a lot harder than it is. My brother is 3 years older than me and once he got bigger than she was, she stopped trying to hit either of us because he let her know he'd hit back.

However, it was the mental stress she caused that was the most damaging. I think my sister was bi-polar; she could be fun and nice one day and then raging and screaming at us the next. My parents did try to get her to go to therapy, but she of course resisted. I don't think they were ever willing to face the fact that she needed to be medicated. I guess, given what a rebellious and stubborn person she was, she'd have refused to take meds if she was told she should anyway. My parenst did their best with her, but she was always a handful for them. My parents weren't push-over, candy-ass parents either. I really believe that beyond physically restraining her and dragging her to a mental facility, there wasn't much else they could've done to "fix" her. They could've thrown her out and I know my dad definitely threatened to do so a couple of times in her teens, but at 19 her kidneys failed so getting thrown out was not going to happen.

As for me, the mental stress and abuse was from not only dealing with her when I was home and awake, but also from having to mentally prepare myself each morning and when I was on my way home from school so that if she was in the rage mode when I saw her I was ready for it...as ready as I could be anyway. My sister took a lot of whatever it was that messed with her head out on me and my brother and yet, she was similar to your brother in that if we were sick, she'd be the doting sister that would take care of us and if she ever caught anyone treating us badly, she'd be the first to tell that person to fuck off, but she never seemed to realize the damage her poor treatment of us was doing. In high school I stayed after school every day in order to delay the amount of time I had to spend at home with her without my parents there. Weekends, I'd often go with my dad to his store in NYC just to avoid being home with her.

When I got to college age I *should* have went away to school to get away from her, but I assumed my parents couldn't afford it, so I never even asked to dorm. THAT was a mistake. I'd have been so much better emotionally if I had gotten away from her daily tirades. When she got kidney failure it actually got worse because now she knew my parents would never actually throw her out. She actually used her illness as an excuse to behave even worse and she took full advantage of her "position".

At that point, I should've done everything I could to move out. My brother and I actually talked about getting a place together, but I think he felt bad "abandoning" my parents to have to solely deal with her. I convinced myself that I couldn't afford to do it alone, but what I really couldn't afford was the almost 10 years of additional daily anguish she caused me as a result of me remaining at home. It would have been a lot less stress on myself to be out on my own and struggle financially, than it was to struggle to deal with my sister.

I only got relief when she passed away at the age of 29. It's horrible to say, but relief is honestly what I felt. Yes, I mourned for her...especially for the toll losing her was to my parents. I felt guilty for feeling relief because of the grief her passing caused them, but our house was so much more peaceful after her passing. I finally really felt comfortable in my own home. I no longer felt myself needing to escape and I was able to just enjoy my family.

Anyway, I don't know your financial situation, but SERIOUSLY think about your options. Maybe there is even a friend or relative that has an extra room for you in exchange for helping them with utilities or keeping their house or apartment clean. You need to do what's best for you and I am telling you, you will find it easier to deal with the struggle of being on your own than the struggle you are in dealing with your brother's irrational and violent behavior.

Good luck.

lady Amalthea
08-14-2010, 07:11 AM
Could he fall somewhere on the autism/Asperger's spectrum?

when he was younger he was diagnosed with ADD, my mom refused to medicate him and treated him naturally by trying to figure out exactly what his deficit was and limiting his diet by cutting out processed foods and artificial flavors and additives and it worked. it was when he started high school that he started eating wrong so to speak.

according to my brother, the independent research he did on why he has anger issues is either bi-polar or manic depressive. now granted this is what he thinks not a doctor. but until he sees a doctor for it, which he won't.(he doesn't even go to the eye doctor regularly), we don't know for sure.

and Tink, I have wanted to move out for years. On my salary I can't afford a cardboard box on a sidewalk. Doing research myself, if I want to live in a fairly safe neighborhood, I would need at least 4 roommates to meet rent and utilities to be able to still pay bills and still have money left over for food. I am honestly tired of living with anyone, I just want to be on my own. also I don't know 3 or 4 people that I would want to share space with.

On a bright note, my brother might be going to Georgia for almost a month for a job soon for his company.

Gemdrite
08-14-2010, 12:32 PM
and Tink, I have wanted to move out for years. On my salary I can't afford a cardboard box on a sidewalk. Doing research myself, if I want to live in a fairly safe neighborhood, I would need at least 4 roommates to meet rent and utilities to be able to still pay bills and still have money left over for food. I am honestly tired of living with anyone, I just want to be on my own. also I don't know 3 or 4 people that I would want to share space with.

On a bright note, my brother might be going to Georgia for almost a month for a job soon for his company.
Check Craigslist, go with friends, and see what you can find. When I first moved out here to Cali, I lived in the mother-in-law apartment of people I didn't know. They were members of my church, but I didn't know anybody in church at that point. It was a wonderful arrangement. I rarely heard them, they rarely heard me, and it was as if I was living on my own, but much much cheaper. The apartment even had it's own bathroom and kitchen. PLEASE consider it and see what you can find.

The 6th Rogue
08-15-2010, 09:45 PM
On a bright note, my brother might be going to Georgia for almost a month for a job soon for his company.

I hope he isn't driving down there considering you've said his primary trigger seems to be road rage left overs.

lady Amalthea
08-16-2010, 07:06 AM
if his company get the bid he would be carpooling with his coworkers in a company van. His coworkers don't even want to ride with him as a driver.

The 6th Rogue
08-16-2010, 11:56 AM
if his company get the bid he would be carpooling with his coworkers in a company van. His coworkers don't even want to ride with him as a driver.

Can the company arm each of his coworkers with a syringe loaded with sedative? One of them might jostle him or sit too close to him for too long and KABOOM!!!

OK, kidding aside, he REALLY needs serious help.

Ysobelle
08-21-2010, 01:29 PM
Any updates on this, hon?

lady Amalthea
08-21-2010, 07:49 PM
he hasn't had any more episodes since I first posted. ::pray:: He seems to be doing good right now, but who knows what might trigger him again. Honestly because of my work schedule and his I haven't really seen him much. we just kind of pass each other.

The 6th Rogue
08-23-2010, 10:41 AM
Well that's something, at least.