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WenchLadyKate
02-04-2011, 01:01 PM
So the boyfriend and I have decided to live together. I'm very excited about this. We've got our security and all that and we are ready as soon as we find a place, hopefully for March 1st. I'll be happy to not be paying for my storage unit anymore lol! Anyways, any advice you ladies have about sharing your space would be appreciated. I've never lived with anyone except my mom or alone so I'm a little nervous about sharing a space with a man. I love him lots and want this to work, I think we're both seeing the end game here and moving towards it by taking this step.

We both have pets, he's got a big dog (she's a lab / husky mix), and I have my parrot, I have all the necessities like cookware and dishes and whatnot, he's got stuff to bring too, just not a whole lot. I want the place to feel llike it's ours, and not just mine, but I'm worried since I'm bringing a whole storage locker full of stuff and furniture, and he's only going to have a few boxes. I don't want him to feel like he is living with me and my crap, you know what I mean?

I'm so excited!

Bean
02-04-2011, 04:19 PM
Start out with what you have and little by little go through it together and weed things out that maybe he doesn't like, or doesn't work for 2 people. You can start out with adding small stuff like throw pillows, artwork, sheets and towels that you pick together. Work your way up to larger, more expensive stuff later down the road.

Lady Hefron
02-04-2011, 08:20 PM
What I would say is, remember that we each have our annoying habits that we feel free to exercise when comfortable at home. Start with good communication and keep it going.

This became completely evident to me when I moved in with the Beloved. He is, let us say, messier than I am. I had to remember that he couldn't read my mind and know that it really was his leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor that was annoying me. We learned to communicate the small annoyances immediately and not let them fester.

It just occurred to me that this wasn't what you meant, but I'm going to offer it any way.

Thistle
02-05-2011, 12:27 AM
If there is enough space, make sure you each have your own room to retreat to. Sometimes, no matter how much you love the other person, you just want to get away from them for a couple hours

Phoenix McHeit
02-05-2011, 07:24 AM
First of all, YAY! That's a very exciting step you two are taking, congrats!

Now then - when Artos and I first shared space, he came into my already-established place with the boys, so I totally get the concern you have. One thing that helped him was to have a lot of stuff on the walls that was *his*. Like, we hung his wall-art, his swords, put his decorative stuff all around the house, and didn't just confine them to 'his space'.

Also, we went and picked out other stuff together. Sometimes picking curtains and stuff like that can be worse than having dental work done to a guy, but even if he doesn't care *what* you pick, he might appreciate being able to make the decisions/choices together. YMMV.

Something I had to stop doing unconsciously was referring to items as 'mine'. I had to switch from "Would you please put that over on my china cabinet?" to "Would you please put that over on THE china cabinet?" Yeah, it's a tiny little bit of semantics, but it made a difference to him, so it was worth it to me.

I can't stress enough the idea of separate spaces too. It's so necessary for the peace of the household and health of the relationship.

Have Kermit and his dog met yet? Do they get along? That could be more of a sticking point than all the other concerns.

Have fun sweetie! This is so exciting!

LissaRoisin
02-05-2011, 08:30 AM
One thing is to discuss your living styles too. Are you "this is mine, this is yours, this ours" type person or are you "this is ours" right off the bat? What about him? I am the first and my husband and our roommates are the second. My husband and I have slowly integrated everything so it is all ours to me now. Completely different story with the roommates and thats a rant in itself.

Also, when living together, make sure you each get you time outside of the apartment. It helps to feel less..... claustrophobic I guess. My husband has his weekly events that he does outside of the house with friends.
And discuss things like decorating and how to store things TOGETHER. If one person does it all, then the other may get resentful (dealt with this too)

surlywench
02-05-2011, 08:04 PM
keep in mind: unless they are EXCEEDINGLY well trained, men simply don't see mess or visual clutter the way women do.

it helps to discuss that ahead of time, or as things happen. instead of "PICK UP UR EFFING SOCKS OR SO HELP ME I WILL END YOU", try "it would really help me out if you could put your socks in the hamper! :) "

communication is key.

Mistress Morigianna
02-07-2011, 12:46 AM
money- the root of all evil.

Since I had major issues with my ex over money ( what do you mean the money in the atm comes from somewhere?) my current BF of over 10 years & I set it all before we moved in.
I pay slightly more in the rent than him because I have 1 room as a sewing room and more crap. The utilities are split right down the middle. The exception to this is when he ordered anime channel on the cable and he paid for that.

we decided that I write the checks and he pays me. Other than that we have our own accounts. so neither has to "ask" for spending money. We make big purchases together and split it.
this makes one less thing to fight about,

Now- who's turn is it to clean the catbox....

MillieWylde
02-07-2011, 07:08 AM
I had to remember that he couldn't read my mind and know that it really was his leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor that was annoying me. We learned to communicate the small annoyances immediately and not let them fester.

Read as I painfully crack my heel on my rogue's huge glass tankard left on the floor right beside the computer. With water still in it. :unamused: ...thankfully, I guess, I didn't actually tip it over... but OW.

These ladies give excellent advice - as much as he is willing to share it, get him to help with decorating/arranging ideas, so that he feels it is just as much his space as yours, since you have more stuff. I like that "each have your own room" idea, if there's enough space for it. We've even used furniture to unofficially partition off a part of one room to make it feel like a separate space for this purpose. Try to think carefully about what living with a dog is going to be like, if you're not used to that experience!! (It's a little bit like a child, in my opinion, but one who can't answer back when you talk to it...)

Isabelle Warwicke
02-07-2011, 01:05 PM
When I lived with a man, we (luckily) had separate closets, and those were sacred space. I never went into his and he never went into mine. If you both set aside a bit of space that belongs to you, respect that. It keeps a bit of autonomy.

Figure out how you are going to pay for bills and household nonesuch before you settle in. Ask the hard questions. You have to discuss what kind of debt you might be carrying and what kind he might have. It will reveal itself in time but if you discuss money up front, there are no surprises down the road, for example, when he asks you to help him pay down his CC debt that is burying him. Keep your own bank account! If you want to mesh money, open a joint account together, but keep your own too and put some money into it.

Divide the chores. The bathroom will become a biohazzard warzone. I'll clean the vanity and the shower, but he gets to clean the toilet and floors. Laundry and dishes are another to be discussed.

Plan time together as well as apart. Make "Dates." Set the table for dinner together. Make basic plain, everyday moments special on occasion. Feel free to shower together, even if it is only to wash each other's back.

Above all, enjoy yourself! You will be spending lots of time with the man you love and he with the woman he loves. You'll find comfort in having him so near.

WenchLadyKate
02-07-2011, 02:51 PM
You ladies... you are the BEST! I like the idea of separate spaces. The apartment that we both like has 2 closets in the bedroom, a linen closet in the bathroom a closet in the hallway (garb closet?!?!?) and a big walk in closet in the living room. I think that closet idea is great, and will also carry it to the computers.

Money. I thought this was going to be a difficult conversation to have, turned out, I was wrong. We figured if we were going to be serious about this, we'd have to talk about what each of us owes. We are taking care of our own cars, cell phones and whatnot and splitting everything for the apartment down the middle. We will both have our own accounts (same bank luckily), and are opening a joint account for the apartment. Putting in exactly the same amount per month and paying the household bills with that. Anything left over will be put directly into savings for when we might need it. Groceries included in the household stuffs.

We've already decided, he will clean the kitchen and the bedroom, and I'll take the bathroom and the living room. Great for me, I hate cleaning the kitchen. Plus, the apartment I mentioned has a dishwasher! :thumbsup: lol

Making those every day things special sometimes, is a great idea. One of my fears is that I'll get bored, or complacent or something like that, but doing some things together like that is a great idea!

I'm so excited! We are hoping to be able to move into a place by the first of next month. lol, anyone who wants to help in Central Jersey, by all means! :-) Pizza and beer will be provided!

MillieWylde
02-07-2011, 04:12 PM
Feel free to shower together, even if it is only to wash each other's back.

THIS! This is so nice after a long hard day!! ::clappin:

Holly
02-07-2011, 05:03 PM
THIS! This is so nice after a long hard day!! ::clappin:

its totally green too.. saves water!

Drea Beth
02-07-2011, 06:37 PM
I'm going to throw one more thing into the household chore pool... Either set aside a time when it's "chore time" or agree on when things should be done by.

Before things went south, the ex and I used to get up on Saturday morning, have breakfast and then spend about an hour doing the housework. I did the bathroom and dusted. He did the kitchen and vacumed. (I don't mention the bedroom and living room because if you make it a practice to put things away it never needs more than a dust/vacume. Same for the bedroom.) We were always done by 10:00 Saturday morning and we had the whole rest of th weekend to relax and enjoy. This worked great for us until he lost interest in being a domestic partner.

The reason I throw this out is that if one of you dutifully does your jobs each week and the other one is an "I'll get to it, promise" person it can lead to disaster. (see my marriage!)

Just my 2 cents. YMMV

WenchLadyKate
02-08-2011, 10:15 AM
Oh, I LOVE having him wash my back. It's hard now when we're at his place. lol, the other night we were in his huge shower and his brother came in to use the toilet thinking it was just him in there. Poor guy was mortified when he realized there were 2 sets of clothes on the bench. lol

Great idea about chore time. Turn on the radio and have at it. Maybe Friday nights so we wake up to a clean apartment on Saturday mornings. I've gotten into the habit of cleaning the birdcage on Friday nights just so I don't have to worry about it if anyone is coming over on Saturday or Sunday. When I had my own place, I hardly ever had to clean, just dust every so often. I got into the habit of straightening up every day after dinner and the place would always look nice (except for the pile of dishes I didn't want to wash, I really really really hate doing dishes). Once in a while, run the vaccuum. :-)

You guys realize I've been jotting down all these ideas, right? :-) In my little sparkly valentines hello kitty notebook! :-)