Advice from more xperianced wenches

[MaidMarion]

I'm having a really hard time getting over my ex.

The main problem is I'm an old fashoned girl, I lost my oral virginity to this guy and I always thought I only wanted one partner. The idea of moving on and giving my body to another guy is not sitting well with me.

He dumped late July. (we were engaged, he took the ring back. I had just moved in and had to pack everthing back up and leave)

Since then I have gotten stomech ulcers from too much stress.

I just started seeing a wonderful new guy a few weeks ago. I'm nuts about him, he treats me great, but I haven't been able to let him touch me.

He's been very understanding. But part of me feels it isn't fair to him to be dealing with all the drama I'm going through now. (my ex and his family and friends have been very busy spreading nasty rumors about me. A few people have accually gone to my new guy's aunt and warned her about me)

My ex has decided he no longer believes I'm a virgin or that he was my first oral. Claims I was cheating on him and using him the whole time. None of which is true.

I know it takes time to get over these things. But I still feel empty. I can tell my new boyfriend is starting to get frustrated with my keeping my guard up so much. I'd love nothing more than to be able to trust him. but it's so hard after what happend.

I know everyone's saying to just move on, but this was my first really serious relationship. I know it probally sounds stupid and immature, but I don't know what to do.

*hugs*

K.J.

P.S.: any wenches willing to answer a few more stupid immature sex questions, pm or email me.

[Mylilpinkpig]

He's been very understanding. But part of me feels it isn't fair to him to be dealing with all the drama I'm going through now. (my ex and his family and friends have been very busy spreading nasty rumors about me. A few people have accually gone to my new guy's aunt and warned her about me)

My ex has decided he no longer believes I'm a virgin or that he was my first oral. Claims I was cheating on him and using him the whole time. None of which is true.


Don't get hung up on him or his family spreading nasty rumors about you. Anyone who is willing to believe a rumor without getting to know you, isn't worth knowing. This is his desperate attempt to get your attention and to spin things so he comes off looking like a saint and you look like a sinner. Anyone who would use his friends to spread rumors just shows what kind of person he is. Concentrate on your new boyfriend and forget the rest, things will happen naturally.

[Miracle Wench]

He's been very understanding. But part of me feels it isn't fair to him to be dealing with all the drama I'm going through now. (my ex and his family and friends have been very busy spreading nasty rumors about me. A few people have accually gone to my new guy's aunt and warned her about me)

My ex has decided he no longer believes I'm a virgin or that he was my first oral. Claims I was cheating on him and using him the whole time. None of which is true.


Don't get hung up on him or his family spreading nasty rumors about you. Anyone who is willing to believe a rumor without getting to know you, isn't worth knowing. This is his desperate attempt to get your attention and to spin things so he comes off looking like a saint and you look like a sinner. Anyone who would use his friends to spread rumors just shows what kind of person he is. Concentrate on your new boyfriend and forget the rest, things will happen naturally.

I have to agree and if the new guys is as nice as you say he will wait for you to be ready. good luck and put it behind you. Life is to short to dwell in the past

[Myfanawy]

I just started seeing a wonderful new guy a few weeks ago. I'm nuts about him, he treats me great, but I haven't been able to let him touch me.....I know it probally sounds stupid and immature, but I don't know what to do...any wenches willing to answer a few more stupid immature sex questions, pm or email me.

You don't sound stupid or immature at all. I think most of us have been thrown for a loop by some asshole at one time or another, to varying degrees.

My evil ex, the Incubus, was rather sexually abusive, and to this day, I have SERIOUS intimacy and sexuality issues because of it (and other stuff, too...see the thread in "Hussies Hangout" on breastfeeding...) I think your reaction is a perfectly normal one, especially as you aren't as "experienced" as some of us.

Feel free to PM me--I promise I won't think any question you have is stupid. :) And remember that you are a strong woman, a WENCH--and you deserve nothing but the best, and someone who will accept and love you for who you are, and be as patient as you need them to be.
--Myf

[aspen]

Well, July was only about 3-4 months ago, so I'd say you're still on the rebound.

The new guy wants you to immediately resolve your trust issues. Sorry to tell him (and you) that it doesn't just happen like that. It happens when it happens, when you are ready, when you've successfully reframed the previous relationship so that it makes sense to you and you're not beating yourself up for being an idiot anymore. Being able to talk to a sympathetic ear (friend, counselor, intelligent pet) helps a lot.

Also, a few weeks isn't very long to get to know someone and establish the kind of trust you apparently feel you need in a sweetie. You obviously take romantic relationships very seriously, and if you take your time establishing them, you'll probably be much happier. If the new guy is pressuring you to make a decision, then he's not Mr. Right. He's probably not even a good candidate for Mr. Right Now.

Best of luck, sweetie.

Aspen

[Constance Innuendo]

Well, July was only about 3-4 months ago, so I'd say you're still on the rebound.

The new guy wants you to immediately resolve your trust issues. Sorry to tell him (and you) that it doesn't just happen like that. It happens when it happens, when you are ready, when you've successfully reframed the previous relationship so that it makes sense to you and you're not beating yourself up for being an idiot anymore. Being able to talk to a sympathetic ear (friend, counselor, intelligent pet) helps a lot.

Also, a few weeks isn't very long to get to know someone and establish the kind of trust you apparently feel you need in a sweetie. You obviously take romantic relationships very seriously, and if you take your time establishing them, you'll probably be much happier. If the new guy is pressuring you to make a decision, then he's not Mr. Right. He's probably not even a good candidate for Mr. Right Now.

Best of luck, sweetie.

Aspen

AMEN and ditto!

I think you need some more "you" time before jumping back into things full tilt (after a major breakup, that first rebound is always a doozy)
You need the time to reassert how fabulous being "just you" can be.
1. take a roadtrip with just "the girls" (and yes sometimes that means by yourself)
2.take lots of bubble baths, pamper your outside to nurture your inside
3.eat LOTS of chocolate
4.read trashy romance novels with no guilt. .. in public even
5. meditate, pray, do whatever you do, keep yourself spiritually in-touch
6.keep in touch with a network of strong women that you can depend on (oh wait. . .you're doing that already:))

you and only you will know when you're ready to get back in the game.

feel free to pm me if you have any questions or need anything.

[KissMeKate]

Warning, this is going to be long.

First of all, you're very young, and have lots of time ahead of you to figure out what you want in a relationship and to find someone with the same ideals. If I remember correctly, your ex is older and more experienced, and wasn't willing to be patient.

You haven't said if the new guy is pressuring you, just that he's frustrated, which is understandable. But I agree with the others, if he takes the word of others over yours (without defending you or the relationship) and is unwilling to take "no" for an answer, than the time to get out of that situation is now. But if it's who I think it is (from the last weekend of Faire), he's a fantastic guy, but both of you need more time to get to know each other.

It's a very honorable goal to want only one partner in life. But to find such a relationship takes time, total honesty, and much wisdom on both sides. It doesn't sound like you had that or have that. You need to be willing to talk about your hopes, dreams, fears, goals, and needs.

You need to decrease your stress, and you need to do that now. How is up to your beliefs and how you can find relaxation. There are lots of great ideas and help on the web if you look up relaxation, meditation, space clearing, etc. You are going to need a lot of time to your self and some major introspection before you take the next step into the world of relationships.

Ask yourself what you truly want, and be totally honest with yourself. What person do you want to be? This is the question to ask. Not, who do I want. By being the person you want to be (truly want to be, not an imitation of someone else), all the time, in front of everybody, you will attract those who are similar in mind and principle. And by being the person you want to be, you will find that you truly love yourself, and will be able to give and receive love from a worthy person in return.

[Mighty Rontor]

Well, July was only about 3-4 months ago, so I'd say you're still on the rebound.

The new guy wants you to immediately resolve your trust issues. Sorry to tell him (and you) that it doesn't just happen like that. It happens when it happens, when you are ready, when you've successfully reframed the previous relationship so that it makes sense to you and you're not beating yourself up for being an idiot anymore. Being able to talk to a sympathetic ear (friend, counselor, intelligent pet) helps a lot.

Also, a few weeks isn't very long to get to know someone and establish the kind of trust you apparently feel you need in a sweetie. You obviously take romantic relationships very seriously, and if you take your time establishing them, you'll probably be much happier. If the new guy is pressuring you to make a decision, then he's not Mr. Right. He's probably not even a good candidate for Mr. Right Now.

Best of luck, sweetie.

Aspen

AMEN and ditto!

I think you need some more "you" time before jumping back into things full tilt (after a major breakup, that first rebound is always a doozy)
You need the time to reassert how fabulous being "just you" can be.
1. take a roadtrip with just "the girls" (and yes sometimes that means by yourself)
2.take lots of bubble baths, pamper your outside to nurture your inside
3.eat LOTS of chocolate
4.read trashy romance novels with no guilt. .. in public even
5. meditate, pray, do whatever you do, keep yourself spiritually in-touch
6.keep in touch with a network of strong women that you can depend on (oh wait. . .you're doing that already:))

you and only you will know when you're ready to get back in the game.

feel free to pm me if you have any questions or need anything.

A dude's POV:

I agree with Constance and Aspen (but not exclusively). I have to affirm your move to move slowly. Being in the rebound zone is potentially dangerous. If it were me personally, I wouldn't even get involved with anyone until I wasn't pining for the ex. There are guys that speciallize in going after women who are on the rebound because they see the exploitative nature of this mental structure way too easily.

You seem pretty mentally and spiritually centered, with a well defined sense of what you will and will not tolerate. That being the case, I think that you'll be able to get through this in short order.

One thing that might help you in the meanwhile: Do simple stuff that entertains you. Play video games, watch movies, read, poke the dog with a stick, skip rocks on the lake, count the number of pens you have, finger paint with ketchup and mustard, blow spit-balls; whatever. Do mindless stuff that distracts you from thinking about your ex. It will help you get into a better headspace for the right someone to be a part of your life.

My 2 cents worth. Hope things get sorted out.

[Mairi the Herbwench]

Being in a relationship involves being hurt. No matter if you're married, living together, dating, what ever - you will get hurt.

Deal with it.

That sounds harsh, and it's meant to - most people are so scared of getting hurt that they close themselves off - and lose who they are. The key is to go slowly, stand up for who you are, ignore the asshats who think they know what's best for you, and live your life as you need to. For those that are so immature that they have to tear someone else down to build themselves up - most people see right thru that. Ignore the gossip - be friends before being lovers, keep in mind that if you live long enough, you'll have more than one partner, and relax.

[Buxom Wench]

A dude's POV:

One thing that might help you in the meanwhile: Do simple stuff that entertains you. Play video games, watch movies, read, poke the dog with a stick, skip rocks on the lake, count the number of pens you have, finger paint with ketchup and mustard, blow spit-balls; whatever. Do mindless stuff that distracts you from thinking about your ex. It will help you get into a better headspace for the right someone to be a part of your life.

My 2 cents worth. Hope things get sorted out.

Where were all the Rogues like you when I was still in the dating game??? :?

There is one thing that ALL the previous posts forgot to mention.
You must love yourself before you can love someone else.

And one more word of advice..............

When you do find someone to share your life with (wether its this new guy or someone else), remeber, you want someone that knows how to treat a woman like a Lady.

Best of all that life has to offer, darlin'.

[Mighty Rontor]

A dude's POV:

One thing that might help you in the meanwhile: Do simple stuff that entertains you. Play video games, watch movies, read, poke the dog with a stick, skip rocks on the lake, count the number of pens you have, finger paint with ketchup and mustard, blow spit-balls; whatever. Do mindless stuff that distracts you from thinking about your ex. It will help you get into a better headspace for the right someone to be a part of your life.

My 2 cents worth. Hope things get sorted out.

Where were all the Rogues like you when I was still in the dating game??? :?

There is one thing that ALL the previous posts forgot to mention.
You must love yourself before you can love someone else.

And one more word of advice..............

When you do find someone to share your life with (wether its this new guy or someone else), remeber, you want someone that knows how to treat a woman like a Lady.

Best of all that life has to offer, darlin'.

Hello! Himbo not Rogue! :rotfl:

I agree with Buxom Wench, too. Look in the mirror and look at all the things you like about yourself. If there's anything you don't like, ignore it. Also look in the mirror of the soul and recognize what actions that you like that you do typically and what actions you like to go out of your way for. When you see all of that, know that you own it and that it's a DAMN FINE PACKAGE. Now that you know this and know that it's yours, make people earn it. You are worth more than you think. Love yourself first and foremost. Don't let others abuse you. Refuse to let other's false and mean-spirited opinions of you hold you hostage. Kick their views right in the teeth. I'm not saying turn into a bitch and exact revenge; what I am saying is take all that's good about you, polish it and make it really shiny and strong. When good things happen to you because of it, you won't feel anything but sorry for them. Knowing that you've faired better than those who've slighted you is the most satisfying revenge out there.

Anthony Powell said it best: "Self-love seems so often unrequited." Don't let it happen to you.

Stepping off the pulpet now! :wink:

[aspen]

One thing I've noticed about young women in love (and I'm definately including my younger self in this category) is that they are often too willing to change their goals, values and personality in order to fit in with his life. I don't know how much young men do the same. The problem with this is, that when the relationship ends, it's a guarenteed existential crisis. You've made him the center of your life, and when he disappears, you have to find a new center.

What I did was step out of the game long enough to do some serious evaluation and self-work, and develop my own center. It wasn't easy, it was fscking painful, and it's 10 years of my life I'd really like to get back. Looking back, counseling would probably have helped (but so would have having more than one friend who didn't dump me when the BF did-- I ended up getting all new friends).

Not that I'm saying this is what happened to MaidMarion. It's just something I was thinking about.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Aspen[/i]