If you can answer any 3 of these questions with an "ohh yeah", then you are obviously a woman of distinction, a product of excellent breeding, possessed of stunning (if not vaguely dubious) talents and appetites and clearly belong in the International Wenches Guild.

• Do men require an "adjustment" after kissing you?
• Is your tongue registered as a precision surgical instrument?
• Have you been accused of smuggling melons across state lines?
• Do you really know what a sponge is for?
• Was "Soak a Bloke" considered your time off?
• Do you think it's wise to use ice cubes and menthol together?
• Is whipped cream more than just a dessert topping?
• Do men lose the power of speech when you adjust your bodice or breath deeply?
• Are you vertically challenged but horizontally gifted?
• Do you like to play with your food?
• When removing your bra on Monday, do you find enough loose change to buy breakfast?

For instance, A True Wench should...

• Remember that all men are created surplus.
• Be able to procure alcohol or funds at any given moment.
• Never suffer from an empty cup or have to pay for it.
• Be proficient enough in neck biting so as to disable at least one (1) whole side of a man's body.
• Maintain a repertoire of at least three Dirty Ballads with which to sing for her supper.
• Be willing and able to prove the authenticity of her hair color anytime, anywhere.
• When walking, have the flexibility when wearing a studded hip belt to butt out an eye.
• Realize that, when lacing a bodice, if she can still breathe, it's not tight enough.
• Be known to and easily recognized by every Rose Girl and Alekeep on a Faire site.
• Be able to interrupt a scripted scene simply by the way she eats or breathes.
• Maintain at least the illusion that she can "raise the dead", metaphorically speaking.
• Be able to cause mustache growth on a 10 year old Boy Scout with a "wubby".
• Know how to polish a sword so as to keep resulting patron drool from pitting the steel.
• Strive to create an interesting pattern in her bodice tan without undue stinging or particular indignity.
• Have no problem changing her wardrobe in a busy parking lot.
• Master the technique of removing the whipped cream from a rose without damaging the petals.
• Know all the right animal noises.