Are Ya Sure Its Not Abuse?

By Alexandra Humann
Published: October 21, 2001
We’ve all seen them before… That poor dishrag of a man or woman being dragged around site by an overbearing slob of a spouse or significant other whose behavior towards everyone makes you wanna cringe. They’re the person that wouldn’t say a thing even if you cut their arm off and would probably give you the shirt off their back. But for some reason, none of us really want to be around their spouse because the way they treat everyone else (not just their spouse) borders on abuse.


I am an abuse survivor. My parents ended up separating because my father was neglecting my mother and my mother wasn’t much of a wife or mother The man that ended up taking my father’s place was already living with us. I went away to camp and my father was gone. The man that my mother would end up marrying was a drinker, had a hair-trigger temper and a mouth like a long-shore man. Within 6 weeks, our family was just another abuse statistic.
The saddest part is that the man my mother ended up marrying was what she was ‘trained’ to put up with. At least 5 generations of women in my great-grandmother’s line ended up marrying violent, abusive drunks that terrorized them and their children.


It’s been over 10 years since my stepfather passed away and every year I try to help someone else. This year I did, but she is still with her abuser. The sad part is that she doesn’t even realize it. She is also a mom. The scary part is that by seeing his momma go through this, she is teaching her son that this behavior is acceptable. What’s worse is that many women out there feel that if the other half of the relationship isn’t hitting them, everything is fine.


It will almost always start with verbal, emotional or mental abuse. It will almost always end with the other person hitting or raping you. It isn’t an attraction issue. It has to do with power. If you stand up to someone like this, like it or not, you will end up in the hospital or dead. I really hate to admit to this, but for the most part, the abusive half of the relationship is almost always strong enough to do this.


If you think the following about the other half of your relationship, you need to seriously seek help. A member of the clergy from your religion, the domestic abuse hotline or an abuse survivor (yes, there is a difference between survivor and victim):

“Everything is fine, but s/he just doesn’t trust other people to talk/dance/be friends with me…”
This isn’t OK. Aren’t you an adult? This is controlling behavior and it DOES count as mental abuse.

“S/he’s right, I’m ugly/stupid…”
Wrong. No woman is ugly. And stupid is a matter of behavior, not intelligence. This also counts as verbal and emotional abuse. Sadly enough, these two usually go hand in hand.

“I didn’t want to tumble tonight and they forced me. Am I a tease (ice queen, frigid, etc, etc)?”
Wrong answer. Even if you’re married, if you say no and end up having marital relations, in most states it counts as sexual assault and or rape

“S/he’s so great when s/he hasn’t been drinking. But they drink all the time…”
Do you really want to be with a person that when they drink that beer becomes Mr. Hyde? How are you going to be able to explain the bruises to your children, family and co-workers? No one really believes the door excuse anymore, you know.

“S/he’s right. I screwed up and I deserve this.”
No one deserves to be hit. EVER. Not your kids, not you. This is physical abuse and it’s illegal. And in some states, if a police officer even sees a bruise on you or your children, the officer will arrest the person that did it.

Breaking the chain of abuse is the hardest part. My daughter was almost a year old and her father finally began to mistreat me in front of her He made me scream in pain one evening so badly that I was surprised his parents didn’t knock on our door. They never did. I broke the chain of abuse when he started this. If it hadn’t been for her, I would’ve put up with it all, because I loved him. But I didn’t want her to have the issues with men that I do. I want her to be happy and healthy in her relationships with others.


I know that I sound like I’m preaching; that really isn’t what I had in mind when I sat down to write this. But this is an issue that needs to be hammered home to women and men. Yes, I survived it. But because of my sentence, I can’t handle some things. I’m scared to punish my daughter sometimes. I can’t cry over anything. I’m nearly 30 and the thought of being in a completely dark room nearly sends me into a panic attack. My abuser has been dead over 10 years and I still have nightmares sometimes. And don’t get me started on the smell of his cologne. The worst part is seeing the soup du jour’s face when I ask him not to do/say something because of surviving this. And I am still trying to heal.


If you don’t break the chain of abuse for you, do it for your kids. Our role as parents is to raise them to be strong, independent adults, not victims and predators. ‘Cause I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my daughter to be married to the overbearing slob that everyone detests so much that people not only gossip about him, but my baby, too.