All About Cheating/Infidelity

[daBaroness]

Awhile back there were several threads that touched in one way or another on infidelity/cheating in relationships. I started to post a polled thread and goofed it up and deleted it. But I'm still curious ... so I'm going to try it again. Feel free to add additional commentary as you like.

Because I can only figure out how to post one poll question - please cut and paste the questions below into your response.

1. What is your gender? a. F b. M

2. What is your age range? a. 18-21 b. 22-30 c. 31-40 d. 41-50 e. 51-60 f. 61 and over

3. What attracts you to a potential partner/mate?

4. When it comes to long-term relationships are you/have you been ...
a. currently involved b. involved in the past c. never had a long-term relationship d. don't want a long-term relationship

5. What constitutes infidelity/cheating?
a. emotional intimacy b. physical/sexual intimacy c. both a and b

6. Can one cheat emotionally and/or physically (cyber sex) online?
a. emotionally b. physically c. both a and b d. no, cheating must be real-time

7. Have you personally cheated on someone? a. yes b. no

8. Have you personally been cheated on by someone? a. yes b. no

9. Do you believe a so-called committed relationship can survive infidelity?
a. yes b. no c. other (please feel free to explain)

10. Do you personally believe that an open relationship (where both partners in a so-called committed relationship are free to have sexual and emotional relationships with others) can work? a. Yes b. No Why or Why Not?

11. Does infidelity in a relationship affect not only that relationship, but possible future relationships? a. Yes b. No Please explain

[Guinevere]

1. What is your gender? a. F b. M
F all the way.

2. What is your age range? a. 18-21 b. 22-30 c. 31-40 d. 41-50 e. 51-60 f. 61 and over
B

3. What attracts you to a potential partner/mate?
The ability to hold a good conversation, and - I'll admit it - good sex.

4. When it comes to long-term relationships are you/have you been ...
a. currently involved b. involved in the past c. never had a long-term relationship d. don't want a long-term relationship
A, currently very married.

5. What constitutes infidelity/cheating?
a. emotional intimacy b. physical/sexual intimacy c. both a and b
Both. Cheating is a state of mind.

6. Can one cheat emotionally and/or physically (cyber sex) online?
a. emotionally b. physically c. both a and b d. no, cheating must be real-time
Cheating emotionally is just as devestating, thanks.

7. Have you personally cheated on someone? a. yes b. no
Yes I have.

8. Have you personally been cheated on by someone? a. yes b. no
Also a yes.

9. Do you believe a so-called committed relationship can survive infidelity?
a. yes b. no c. other (please feel free to explain)
I think it can survive but that one should not expect it to survive as the same relationship it was before. You change the tenor of the relationship by doing something like that.

10. Do you personally believe that an open relationship (where both partners in a so-called committed relationship are free to have sexual and emotional relationships with others) can work? a. Yes b. No Why or Why Not?
Having been in one, and knowing several people who are in a stable and long term situation like the above, yes. It can only work if everyone involved is in the same place mentally and emotionally, though. The minute one person isn't in tune with the others, feelings start to get bruised.

11. Does infidelity in a relationship affect not only that relationship, but possible future relationships? a. Yes b. No Please explain
Yes, and not necessarily for the partner who did the cheating. My husband has a heightened suspicion of the Internet after a woman cheated on him online (see the bit about emotional cheating) and now gets jumpy if I spend too much time online.

[Torra]

1. What is your gender? a. F

2. What is your age range? a. 18-21

3. What attracts you to a potential partner/mate? I do like looks, but those are subjective. My biggest attraction factor is if the person has direction. I want someone who knows what they want from life and knows what they want to do for a career, plus has a plan on how to get there. Someone with a great deal of drive and a feasible method of getting to where their goal is, is highly attractive to me.

4. When it comes to long-term relationships are you/have you been ...
c. never had a long-term relationship; the longest I was dating someone was a year. Note I say "dating" because I never felt particularly involved or connected to the person. My standard definition of a relationship is someone to whom you feel connected and see exclusively for 3 consecutive months.

5. What constitutes infidelity/cheating?
c. both a and b

6. Can one cheat emotionally and/or physically (cyber sex) online?
d. no, cheating must be real-time; I think internet "relationships" are largely based on fantasy when it's cheating. The image one can present online is so idealized that it's not like a real person, in my view.

7. Have you personally cheated on someone? b. no

8. Have you personally been cheated on by someone? c. not that I'm aware of

9. Do you believe a so-called committed relationship can survive infidelity?
a. yes, provided there is committment on both people's parts to making the relationship work.

10. Do you personally believe that an open relationship (where both partners in a so-called committed relationship are free to have sexual and emotional relationships with others) can work? a. Yes. The key to this is communication as well as a sense of humor. While jealousy is inevitable if it's an open relationship, if both parties are willing to discuss the other's concerns and the partners recognize their first obligation is to each other until the relationship is ended, then it can work.

11. Does infidelity in a relationship affect not only that relationship, but possible future relationships? a. Yes. Ask anyone; all relationships have some sort of baggage, be it a tiny amount or a freight ship-full. Infidelity isn't something that just rolls off one's back, as I see it. If you're a confident, Wenchy-type gal/Rogueish-type guy, you'll get angry at the person who did it and possibly have short-term trust issues, making you less likely to be open to future prospects and/or dates. If you're a more insecure person, it's easy to shift the blame to yourself for not being attractive, intelligent, apealling, etc, enough to keep someone's interest. Assuming that's the case, hearing your friends say what a terrible person he/she is will only make you think "well, if ____ is so awful, how much worse am I, since I couldn't even keep _____ interested!" Of course, these mindsets are anything but permanent, so hopefully everyone would emerge a little wiser, a little more experienced and hopefully a better person. Sadly, sometimes that's not true.

[MaidMarion]

1. What is your gender? a. F

2. What is your age range? b. 22-30

3. What attracts you to a potential partner/mate? Looks and personality, as well as having the same values. i.e., for me a guy must be a vegitarian, willing to wiat till marriage, etc.

4. When it comes to long-term relationships are you/have you been ...
b. involved in the past

5. What constitutes infidelity/cheating?
c. both a and b

6. Can one cheat emotionally and/or physically (cyber sex) online?
c. both a and b

7. Have you personally cheated on someone? b. no

8. Have you personally been cheated on by someone? a. yes

9. Do you believe a so-called committed relationship can survive infidelity?
c. other - not sure

10. Do you personally believe that an open relationship (where both partners in a so-called committed relationship are free to have sexual and emotional relationships with others) can work? If both are TRULY confortable with it. If one is getting more out of it that the other, ie: man want a threesome with two woman but his mate is not bi and doesn't get gratification from another wonam being preasant.

11. Does infidelity in a relationship affect not only that relationship, but possible future relationships? a. Yes, once trust is broke, it's hard to trust again.

[daBaroness]

Guess I'll play my own game!

1. What is your gender? a. F b. M

2. What is your age range? a. 18-21 b. 22-30 c. 31-40 d. 41-50 e. 51-60 f. 61 and over

3. What attracts you to a potential partner/mate?
I would say that attration for me has changed over the years. Now I'm interested in someone's integrity; their beliefs, values - more intangibles. He would have to have a great sense of humor and be pretty darned self-confident without being arrogant. Shared hobbies and interests aren't as important as the willingness to allow the other person their own interests and friends without jealousy and occasionally humor one another by participating in each other's interests. A devotion to family is important to me, but it has to be tempered with devotion to partner as well - no letting the adult children wedge into the relationship and create havoc. The other thing is I wouldn't, at this point, hook up with someone who still has children at home - it's just too difficult to "blend" a family.

4. When it comes to long-term relationships are you/have you been ...
a. currently involved b. involved in the past c. never had a long-term relationship d. don't want a long-term relationship right now anyway

5. What constitutes infidelity/cheating?
a. emotional intimacy b. physical/sexual intimacy c. both a and b I think sometimes emotional intimacy hurts more - and is more dangerous - than physical intimacy. To a majority of men, sex is sex - they're driven to it on a level they're not even conscious of, whereas to a majority of women, physical intimacy is the demonstration - the proving - of emotional intimacy. To me - the more connected and stimulated I am by a man emotionally and intellectually - the more I want the physical connection. I've done the casual mattress thrashing thing and it's just boring and pointless to me now unless it's the result of the mental and emotional attraction.

6. Can one cheat emotionally and/or physically (cyber sex) online?
a. emotionally b. physically c. both a and b (see above answer for why) d. no, cheating must be real-time


7. Have you personally cheated on someone? a. yes b. no

8. Have you personally been cheated on by someone? a. yes b. no

9. Do you believe a so-called committed relationship can survive infidelity?
a. yes b. no c. other I think really committed relationships can survive conditionally - both partners have to be equally committed to figuring out what caused the infidelity in the first place, do the work to fix the cause and work even harder in the future to protect the relationship. I also believe the oness of responsibility to make amends is on the cheater and s/he has to be 100% willing to do what it takes to make themselves trustworthy again based on their partners needs. I think what I described is very difficult to do because it requires to very dedicated, committed and mature people to do it.

10. Do you personally believe that an open relationship (where both partners in a so-called committed relationship are free to have sexual and emotional relationships with others) can work? a. Yes b. No Why or Why Not? I used to believe an open relationship could work if both people were equally committed, etc. But having seen a LOT of this type of relationship, I no longer believe in them. Why? Because there are VERY few (I would guess less than 2%) relationships where both partners are in the exact same place emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, etc. There's generally one partner who will go along with the arrangement because they're afraid of losing their partner if they don't. To all outward appearances they may be fully into the open relationship and indeed may be the one who has more casual partners than the other - but in truth, the dirty little secret they try to keep - just like trying to keep their partner - is that they long to be "enough" for their partner and each time they or their partner takes advantage of the "openness" of the relationship, a small bit of their self esteem gets eaten away.

I guess I've also observed that it's the male in most of these open relationships who's in the cat-bird seat - they have the emotional, financial and intellectual security of having a full-time partner, but they can also have their fill of sexual exploits. Too often I've seen the women in these cases sit quietly in the background and dissolve into nothingness over time. I just personally don't think it's good juju. To me, you're either committed to a relationship or you're not - period.

11. Does infidelity in a relationship affect not only that relationship, but possible future relationships? a. Yes Absofreakinlutely! How can it not? Even if both parties work really hard to mend the break in trust, the violation, the betrayal in a relationship they salvage - forgiving and forgetting are two different things. I think as exceptional as two people need to be to enter into a successful, committed, long-term relationship - I think they have to be even more exceptional to truly mend a broken one. And in the case where infidelity is the deal-breaker in a relationship, I think that betrayal carries implications for the individual's ability to trust fully in the future. I think it is forever the burder of future partners to prove themselves to be worthier than the former cheating partner. Even the healthiest, most self-confident person can't help but carry at least a wisp of a doubt with them. b. No Please explain

[surlywench]

You forgot to ask if we have been the "other person" in the cheating equation.

[DoñaNina]

[quote=daBaroness;181788]
1. What is your gender? a. F

2. What is your age range? b. 22-30

3. What attracts you to a potential partner/mate? Things we have in common, sense of humor, a strong chin/nose, long hair.

4. When it comes to long-term relationships are you/have you been ...
a. currently involved

5. What constitutes infidelity/cheating?
c. both a and b

6. Can one cheat emotionally and/or physically (cyber sex) online?
a. emotionally

7. Have you personally cheated on someone? a. yes

8. Have you personally been cheated on by someone? a. yes

9. Do you believe a so-called committed relationship can survive infidelity?
a. yes

10. Do you personally believe that an open relationship (where both partners in a so-called committed relationship are free to have sexual and emotional relationships with others) can work? a. Yes

11. Does infidelity in a relationship affect not only that relationship, but possible future relationships? It can, but I don't believe it has to.

[Mairi the Herbwench]

1. What is your gender? a. F b. M

2. What is your age range? a. 18-21 b. 22-30 c. 31-40 d. 41-50 e. 51-60 f. 61 and over

3. What attracts you to a potential partner/mate?
Intelligence, imagination, sense of humor, how they treat others

4. When it comes to long-term relationships are you/have you been ...
a. currently involved b. involved in the past c. never had a long-term relationship d. don't want a long-term relationship

5. What constitutes infidelity/cheating?
a. emotional intimacy b. physical/sexual intimacy c. both a and b
Depends on the person/situation. I love many of my male friends, but I'm not intimate with them, but I'm in love with my husband. different - and he understands it. Physical? Generally physical is nothing - scratching an itch - unless it gets accompanied by emotions. So I guess it's kinda like "C".

6. Can one cheat emotionally and/or physically (cyber sex) online?
a. emotionally b. physically c. both a and b d. no, cheating must be real-time

7. Have you personally cheated on someone? a. yes b. no

8. Have you personally been cheated on by someone? a. yes b. no

9. Do you believe a so-called committed relationship can survive infidelity?
a. yes b. no c. other (please feel free to explain)

10. Do you personally believe that an open relationship (where both partners in a so-called committed relationship are free to have sexual and emotional relationships with others) can work? a. Yes b. No Why or Why Not?
I've seen it happen - my siter and her hubby have had an open relationship for over 30 years - neither one of them wants to end the marriage, they're happy with that, but they both see sex as seperate from their relationship.

11. Does infidelity in a relationship affect not only that relationship, but possible future relationships? a. Yes b. No Please explain
Of course! We all bring baggage into a relationship - we swear to "never be hurt again" so we with hold, or we assume that because a previous relationship had cheating issues, they all will. It's very hard to seperate that from our emotions. I wasn't as hurt by my ex cheating as I was by his accusing me of cheating when I wasn't. That, and the crabs he brought home...

[Emrld]

.

1. What is your gender? a. F b. M

2. What is your age range? a. 18-21 b. 22-30 c. 31-40 d. 41-50 e. 51-60 f. 61 and over

3. What attracts you to a potential partner/mate? part physical part mental - must stimulate both sides

4. When it comes to long-term relationships are you/have you been ...
a. currently involved b. involved in the past c. never had a long-term relationship d. don't want a long-term relationship

5. What constitutes infidelity/cheating?
a. emotional intimacy b. physical/sexual intimacy c. both a and b
yes for B - but there are certain situations that a could be excusable - say in therapy, just got horrific news and needs support and I am stuck half way across the globe. on a regular basis, yes that would be cheating.

6. Can one cheat emotionally and/or physically (cyber sex) online?
a. emotionally b. physically c. both a and b d. no, cheating must be real-time

7. Have you personally cheated on someone? a. yes b. no

8. Have you personally been cheated on by someone? a. yes b. no

9. Do you believe a so-called committed relationship can survive infidelity?
a. yes b. no c. other (please feel free to explain) I don't know - I think it would depend on everything else in the relationship, if there is a strong enough base to build back up from

10. Do you personally believe that an open relationship (where both partners in a so-called committed relationship are free to have sexual and emotional relationships with others) can work? a. Yes b. No Why or Why Not? I don't agree with making an open ended commitment. Either you are fully commited or you aren't - if you aren't then it is dating or friends with benies - if you are commited than it is just between you and one partner.

11. Does infidelity in a relationship affect not only that relationship, but possible future relationships? a. Yes b. No Please explain

[Calimaryn]

1. What is your gender? a. F b. M

2. What is your age range? a. 18-21 b. 22-30 c. 31-40 d. 41-50 e. 51-60 f. 61 and over

3. What attracts you to a potential partner/mate?
Personality, shared values, shared traits, intelligence, sense of humor, shared interests and good chemistry. A person should be attractive on the inside to make the outside shine just as brightly.

4. When it comes to long-term relationships are you/have you been ...
a. currently involved b. involved in the past c. never had a long-term relationship d. don't want a long-term relationship

5. What constitutes infidelity/cheating?
a. emotional intimacy b. physical/sexual intimacy c. both a and b - But it has to be something that both have drawn that line in the sand on. One person may think that cheek kissing a friend is too much and the other partner needs to be aware of that demarcation.

6. Can one cheat emotionally and/or physically (cyber sex) online?
a. emotionally b. physically c. both a and b d. no, cheating must be real-time
Again, communication needs to happen first when establishing a relationship. One cannot simply wait until the partner kisses an opposite sex cheek in a friendly manner then cry cheating. Yes I have simplified this a bit but you get the idea.

7. Have you personally cheated on someone? a. yes b. no
Gah! I was 17, teenagers do dumb things!

8. Have you personally been cheated on by someone? a. yes b. no, not that I am aware of.

9. Do you believe a so-called committed relationship can survive infidelity?
a. yes b. no c. other - If one person is cheating then the so called committed relationship has deeper issues. I would wonder if it was worth saving. I suppose this would have to be decided on a case by case review. If all your relationships experienced infidelity then its time to take a serious look at yourself / your personality and possible baggage before entering another or trying to fix a relationship.

10. Do you personally believe that an open relationship (where both partners in a so-called committed relationship are free to have sexual and emotional relationships with others) can work? a. Yes b. No Why or Why Not?
I actually am friends with a Poly couple. They are wonderful people, caring, loving and dedicated to eachother. But they do have secondary relationships. It is very interesting to learn about honestly. So if it is an open, honest, loving and committed Open or Poly relationship then I would say Yes.

11. Does infidelity in a relationship affect not only that relationship, but possible future relationships? a. Yes b. No Please explain
It is like any emotional trauma it can make someone leery of certain situations, nervous around types of people or places and jealous or suspicious of future partners.
My ex liked to argue, yell, insult, throw things. I still carry those scars and dislike those things. But it is possible to grow past these issues as well with time and / or therapy. So my answer is yes it can and might but it doesnt have to forever.

[Magdalene]

1. What is your gender? a. F

2. What is your age range? c. 31-40

3. What attracts you to a potential partner/mate? It just seems to be the chemistry, a lot of times.

4. When it comes to long-term relationships are you/have you been ...
b. involved in the past

5. What constitutes infidelity/cheating?
c. both a and b

Having just seen a friend's marriage go down in flames because one partner was emotionally cheating.....yes....

6. Can one cheat emotionally and/or physically (cyber sex) online?
c. both a and b

7. Have you personally cheated on someone? b. no

8. Have you personally been cheated on by someone? c. Unsure, I never had proof.

9. Do you believe a so-called committed relationship can survive infidelity?
c. other (please feel free to explain)

Usually cheating seems to be a sign of something else so severely wrong that the relationship was going to end at some point anyway.

10. Do you personally believe that an open relationship (where both partners in a so-called committed relationship are free to have sexual and emotional relationships with others) can work? b. No Why or Why Not?

I've known probably about a dozen poly relationships, and of that number, only 1 is still going on. Given that it seems to be new (poly-wise), I'm taking a wait-and-see attitude about that. The rest have gone down in big, screaming flames with one of the two main partners screaming that this wasn't what they wanted anyway.

11. Does infidelity in a relationship affect not only that relationship, but possible future relationships? b. No

It depends on the situations. I've seen habitual cheaters of both sexes who cheat just to do it. I've seen other 'cheaters' who were genuinely broken up about what they'd done, but usually their relationship was so far gone that once they took a good hard look, they realized it hadn't really been there any more anyway.

[kyrana]

1. What is your gender? a. F b. M

2. What is your age range? a. 18-21 b. 22-30 c. 31-40 d. 41-50 e. 51-60 f. 61 and over

3. What attracts you to a potential partner/mate?
Shared interests, sense of humor, respect for themselves (if they don' have it for themselves, they won't have it for me)

4. When it comes to long-term relationships are you/have you been ...
a. currently involved b. involved in the past c. never had a long-term relationship d. don't want a long-term relationship

5. What constitutes infidelity/cheating?
a. emotional intimacy b. physical/sexual intimacy c. both a and b

6. Can one cheat emotionally and/or physically (cyber sex) online?
a. emotionally b. physically c. both a and b d. no, cheating must be real-time
It's very easy to cheat online - and many times, people don't realize that's what's happening until it's too late. This is usually emotional cheating - but when you spend more time talking to your "really good friend" on the internet than you do your current RL mate (and telling the internet person things you don't talk to the mate about), you probably have a problem.

7. Have you personally cheated on someone? a. yes b. no

8. Have you personally been cheated on by someone? a. yes b. no

9. Do you believe a so-called committed relationship can survive infidelity?
a. yes b. no c. other (please feel free to explain)
For me, once trust is gone, it's gone. I have a lot of experience in letting go of people (I grew up in the military) so I generally find it easier to move on than risk being hurt again.

10. Do you personally believe that an open relationship (where both partners in a so-called committed relationship are free to have sexual and emotional relationships with others) can work? a. Yes b. No Why or Why Not?
I've never seen it work, although this is hardly imperical evidence. I've witnessed a lot of one partner gets more from it than the other type of breakdowns though.
11. Does infidelity in a relationship affect not only that relationship, but possible future relationships? a. Yes b. No Please explain
If it's happened to me, it's part of who I am. It's difficult to give someone the benefit of the doubt when you've been hurt by similar circumstances in the past. Case in point - after being dumped by Mr. Wonderful ("I have to help a good friend (past gf) with a personal crisis" .. 3 days later... "We've decided to work things out" .. I wasn't aware there were things) I started a new relationship about 6 weeks later. The second weekend into it, he admits to me that he had to "help a really good friend who was drunk and was going to end up getting herself into trouble" by letting her sleep in his tent after fest on Saturday. I ended up (mostly) getting past it by realizing that if it had been one of my personal friends he'd hosted, I'd be fine with it - just because I didn't know her was no reason to distrust him - he'd been upfront about it and told me as soon as he saw me (calling me at 2am to ask if it was okay would have been a mistake). Regardless, I spent the last day of fest in emotional knots, on the verge of tears, punishing him for something another man had done to me.

[Alchemist23]

Guess I'll play my own game!

1. What is your gender? Female

2. What is your age range? 22-30

3. What attracts you to a potential partner/mate?
Confidence, morality (apart from religion), Stability, Intuitiveness

4. When it comes to long-term relationships are you/have you been ...
c. never had a long-term relationship

5. What constitutes infidelity/cheating?
a. emotional intimacy b. physical/sexual intimacy c. both a and b

Both...as a man/woman thinks...not just talking about random fantasies...because those happen. I'm talking about obsessing over things for a long amount of time.

6. Can one cheat emotionally and/or physically (cyber sex) online?
a. emotionally b. physically c. both a and b d. no, cheating must be real-time

I donno how I feel about that. One time dealio? Or time invested in to the situation? I'm just not sure....


7. Have you personally cheated on someone? Nope

8. Have you personally been cheated on by someone? Nope

9. Do you believe a so-called committed relationship can survive infidelity?
a. yes b. no c. other

Yes, it takes two very strong people though.

10. Do you personally believe that an open relationship (where both partners in a so-called committed relationship are free to have sexual and emotional relationships with others) can work? a. Yes b. No Why or Why Not?

I think there is a possibility of it working...if the people are in the right place. Humans though, are naturally possesive.

11. Does infidelity in a relationship affect not only that relationship, but possible future relationships? a. Yes b. No Please explain

YES, duh. Just like your father leaving you and your Mom when you were to can...etc... Every relationship you have affects the ones after...can't be avoided.