An Open letter to the brand manager, Procter & Gamble, feminine-hygiene division

[Rhia]

AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.

February 6, 2007

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

[DoñaNina]

I think I just broke something from laughing so hard.

Thank you.

And for the record, grab one of these instead: http://www.divacup.com/

[renren]

*rotfl* *rotfl* *rotfl* *rotfl* *rotfl* *rotfl* Yup, my kids are lookin' at me like I've completely lost it, laghed SO hard!
Have a happy period! Had to be a guy's idea,well, maybe more like a plea...

Those cups...yecchh...

[DoñaNina]

Those cups...yecchh...

Dude, don't knock it 'till you try it. Those cups are a miracle. Feels like you're wearing nothing at all, 100% better for both YOU and the environment, more convenient than any other product that has ever been invented.. seriously. Talk to anyone who uses one.

Plus they save you thousands of dollars in femenine products.

[renren]

Don't need them, actually..
I'm gettin shots,then havin' a hysterectomy..
~happydance~

No more monthlies...::yay::

[renren]

no offense intended, of course...
Glad they work well.

[DoñaNina]

no offense intended, of course...
Glad they work well.

None taken! Just trying to spread the good word!

[Peaches O Malley]

AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.

February 6, 2007

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Christ on toast points with the crusts cut off!!......I think I cracked a rib.*rotfl**rotfl**rotfl**rotfl*

[Buxom Wench]

You just know it had to be a guy that thought that up! :roll:

Rhia, thanks for a much needed laugh today. *rotfl* *rotfl* *rotfl*


I'm so glad I had my hystorectomy 13 years ago.

[moiradochartaigh]

Oh. My. God.

*rotfl* *rotfl* *rotfl*

I want to put an axe through the TV every time I see one of those commercials. The hubby will actually scramble for the remote to change the channel when they come on.

Glad to see I'm not alone!

[Torra]

Congrats, Rhia. You made me laugh so hard I cried. I think you've got a definite point - "Have a Happy Period" is sort of like saying "Enjoy the man who's currently slashing your tires." Wouldn't it be much better if they just included a bar of chocolate in each package?

[DoñaNina]

Wouldn't it be much better if they just included a bar of chocolate in each package?

What an awesome idea!! What if a company came out with "Monthlies"? Like, a little package that included everything you need each month: pads,
tampons,
midol, chocolate,
tissues,
a brick to hit your boyfriend/husband/random passerby with

[Rue]

What an awesome idea!! What if a company came out with "Monthlies"? Like, a little package that included everything you need each month: pads,
tampons,
midol, chocolate,
tissues,
a brick to hit your boyfriend/husband/random passerby with

How about a brick that's made of something bouncy? That way, you can throw it at boyfriend/hubby/random stranger, letting you get your frustration out, while not permanently damaging them! :lol:

[Artos O'Dalriada]

How about a brick that's made of something bouncy? That way, you can throw it at boyfriend/hubby/random stranger, letting you get your frustration out, while not permanently damaging them! :lol:

I, for one, like the soft foam brick idea.... :P

[Torra]

I, for one, like the soft foam brick idea.... :P

Yoga bricks!! Doubles as something to curl around.

[Calimaryn]

I love my Keeper (http://www.keeper.com/). And yes, a package of chocolate, potato chips, tissues, pads and a foam brick. Oh and a huge bottle of Advil!

Remember though ladies, alcohol is a blood thinner, so if you have a heavy flow or low iron, abstain for a week. Which is of course the one week I actually FEEL like drinking!

[Rosina Cernak]

I had to read it for the first time to one of my adopted daughters over the phone she liked it too......

[Becca]

And my favorite is Instead (www.softcup.com (http://www.softcup.com)). It can be (and is :aok: )worn during sex.

[Grania Greenleaf]

Remember though ladies, alcohol is a blood thinner, so if you have a heavy flow or low iron, abstain for a week. Which is of course the one week I actually FEEL like drinking!


*objects* That doesn't make sense. I have heard in more than one place that if you're having bad cramps that a glass of wine will help. I remember one time having a particularly bad bout of cramps, drinking a couple glasses of wine, and whooo! There was much flowing indeed. A little bit of alcohol gets things moving!

[Torra]

As long as we're on the subject, I really love my Lunapads (http://www.lunapads.com). Much more comfortable than your standard pad.

As for the alcohol, I'd heard the same thing - that if you're having really bad cramps, that it will help, but be prepared for a tidal wave.

[Calimaryn]

Well, I have perimenopause which causes heavy bleeding. So much so that I bleed an ounce an hour for the first twelve hours then it cuts back to an ounce every two hours for the next twenty-four. Taking Tylenol, aspirin or alcohol simply makes it impossible for me to leave a bathroom.

When I asked my OB/GYN about what to do to lessen the flow she suggested 2,000mg of Vitamin C every 12 hours, that helps but barely. I try my best to keep what blood I can and eat a lot of iron rich foods during that week.

[ladyleggs]

Had a hysterectomy a year ago, dont miss this at all........

[Selena]

That's pretty good, Rhia. Thanks for the laugh!!

[Madame Maria]

Had my hysterectomy 10 yrs ago now and definitely don't miss it. But will absolutely pass this on to my daughter and DIL.

[Jayde]

OMG too funny!

I've rarely had too much complaint about mine til now (mainly cause it was so damn sporratic) My Dr just put me on Yasmin to try and fix that. 'Cause frankly right now the "H" word scares the hell outta me. Crimson and I have decided that we want to try, in a couple of years, for kids.

[Grania Greenleaf]

I've rarely had too much complaint about mine til now (mainly cause it was so damn sporratic) My Dr just put me on Yasmin to try and fix that. 'Cause frankly right now the "H" word scares the hell outta me. Crimson and I have decided that we want to try, in a couple of years, for kids.


The "H" word...hysterectomy?

[Isabelle Warwicke]

How about a brick that's made of something bouncy? That way, you can throw it at boyfriend/hubby/random stranger, letting you get your frustration out, while not permanently damaging them! :lol:

I had one of those when I lived in Chicago...someone gave it to me as a gag gift. I ended up throwing it out the window at someone and I never got it back.

http://www.gagworks.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=205

http://www.play.com/play247.asp?pa=rts&page=title&r=GADG&title=560573