Fat days.

[Alchemist23]

*sigh

I have to face the fact that my older bodices and stuff don't fit well anymore, and with a tear in my eye, I boxed up my fav. Odd Bodkin goddess...*sniff* It were so pretty!


And now I'm in a quandry. See...I just feel so crappy about myself nowadays that I even feel uncomfortable in garb. Mostly because none of it fits right anymore. I only have one bodice I can wear (as far as I know), but it's just depressing, and I wish I could put together some garb for the trip to GLMF that made me comfortable.

I can't wear just a shirt and some wrap pants because wearing a belt with pants makes me feel huge, (waist to hip ratio...ya know) and I just feel un-put together and sloppy. Put me up agianst my petite mum...whose even lost MORE wieght, and I ...well, I feel like shit. Faire is never fun when you feel like shit.

Anyway. I guess I just wanted to rant a little bit. Mom keeps suggesting I get some kinda Irish dress or something, but it's not in the budget, but I don't feel right going to faire un-garbbed. It's like heresy.

I just don't know what do do with myself anymore. I don't want to leave the house, and have started avoiding all social contact. All I can think about is my body...and I know it's not natural. Seriously...80 percent of the day, I am aware of how disgusting I am...and am becoming more so. Somebody poked me in the side today, and I thought I was gonna throw up.

And now I'm crying at 3am, because I have nobody to talk to, and I feel trapped in my own mentality. They make fun of me at work for bieng an icy bitch, but it's just fear. And who can blame me? I hear people judging people all day about the way people look...and seems like bieng fat is the worst thing to be, and the most disgusting flaw known to man.

And it feels like it is. And I feel like a failure because I haven't been able to change it.

*shrug*...OK, end rant now.

[Lady Hefron]

Alchemist23,

First, please don't cut yourself off from all social contact. It will only make you feel worse.

I have battled compulsive overeating my whole life, and here's a trick that I use to get all that negative garbage out of my head, you know...the stuff that you wouldn't say to your worse enemy but will say to yourself. Write it down, all of it. Write down every last nasty, horrible thing in a journal or notebook. Then go for a walk or do something else. Just leave all the negativity there. I know, it sounds odd, but it works for me.

Next, sell the stuff that doesn't fit, then you can buy a new outfit. This way you can feel like the beautiful wench you are. Remind your self dayly, hourly if you need to, that you are worth being happy and healthy. You are Beautiful.

Please stay in touch and continue to do what you love.

[AnnaFaerie]

Boy...I wish I could bottle my attitude and sell it. I would be so rich. *smiling*

Fat is nothing. It is all attitude. It sounds so simple but it's true.

Let me tell you about me. When I was a teen I was small (34 25 34). My mom was smaller (she was a stick) and thought I was big. I thought I looked okay so it didn't bother me.

I got married to a man that had problems. We loved each other, but he was cold. Smart and funny, but cold. He was heavy...his mom and dad where heavy...I went right down the road with them...and did it better. *snort*

After 4 kids and a badly injured back I am fat. Pure and simple. I'm not chubby...I don't have baby fat....I am obese. I will probably end my days this size as I've been this size forever now.

Now...this is the part to listen to. My first husband and I divorced when I was in my early 30s. Again let me say I was fat and I had 4 children. No one cared. I thought I was great (still do) so almost everyone else thought I was great too. In the short span of time that I was single I was asked out constantly. The youngest boy was 16 (no I didn't go out with him) and the oldest man was 82 (yes I did and he was great fun). I dated a lot. Men of all sizes asked me out. Jake (my current husband...ya never know...there may be another one LOL) asked me out for a year and I wouldn't date him....I was too busy having fun. I didn't want to get serious and I knew I would with him.

Why is it women buy into this myth that they have to be tiny to be pretty? Men never give it a thought. Well....you know what I mean.

Do you really think that being thin is the answer to your problems? I can assure you it isn't.

Men may look at you faster if you are young and pretty. They look at you longer if you are interesting and funny.

Let me tell you that most people don't care how you look unless you are out of the norm. Honestly if you are a "little person" (dwarfism) people stare. If you are deformed somehow...people are going to stare. It is human nature.

The people that don't like you because you are fat aren't worth knowing anyway. The people that don't like you because of your attitude may know something you need to look at in yourself.

Sit down and write a list of all the things you like and then all the things you don't like about yourself. I did this when I was 22...because at that time I was without friends. I wondered why so I looked to myself for the answer. I didn't look to all the people around me and say, "Oh they are judging me for being fat...and that's why I am having problems.". The gist of the "don't like" list was that I was fat. Hey! I could do something about that. And no the "something I could do" was not loose weight 9though that is an answer expecially for your long-term health). I began a do it yourself program to become informed about the world and anything else that interested me...and there was a lot of stuff that interested me....I read anything I could get my hands on. I learned to be interested in other people not just myself and my little family. Ya know...you have to be a friend to have friends and that means listening to them...so I learned to listen...not just talk. The more I looked outwards...the more interesting I became. The more interesting I became...the more people liked me. It became a vicious cycle. *laughing* Are you getting the picture?

Stop obsessing. Get out there and make a happy life for yourself. It is easy. You just have to do it. It is your choice how you live. Never forget that. If you need help...get it. There are lots of programs that cost you little to nothing and they help.

You are a talented woman. I know. I own some of your art. That's a starting point.

Now...I'm done with my rant. This is the last I'm going to say. Get up and live! Make your life what you want it to be. The only thing holding you back is YOU. Not what you look like.

[Alchemist23]

And I think....it's less the physicallity, than the mentality that really bothers me.

The post was less about bieng judged by others, than judged by myself. Seeing people judge OTHER people is what makes me even harsher on myself. People like me fine, and say they don't notice the fat, because...I'm just Bambi.

Apparently people love hanging out with me. I can be fun and entertaining and witty and amusing. I just can't get over the hump, and accept my physicalness for what it is at the present. Part of me knows it's all in my head, and I should stop obsessing, but I donno how to drop it at the door.

Mom said one of the reasons she thinks people like me, is because I'm heavy, and to all appearances, act like I am comfy in my own skin...and people like to see that.

I have been told by friends, that I am pretty, but fat, and that's not sexy. I'm cute, but not pretty...actually, my mom said that. You're not "pretty"...you are cute...but you can't stay cute forever.

Why is it the bad stuff sticks with you. :P And I have a big list of the men who would go out with me....if they were straight. lmao. But I can't give anyone the chance even if I wanted to, because I'm afriad of bieng judged. It's not them, it's me. I'm the one pushing people away...and I donno how to stop and trust people agian. I mean, honestly, what guy wants a girl that feels sick when he touches her. That doesn't do much for a male ego. :P But it's not thier fault.

Fat, physical pain, depression, anxiety, procrastination, immobility, anger and negativity are the tops of my "hate list". It's not all about the fat, though fat and pain stay with me almost constantly, while moods come and go.

Hey, I hear the parade outside...gonna go watch. :P

[UnicornBee]

*hugs* I know the feeling. I don't fit in my old bodice anymore. We had to let it out completely and it still cut into my ribs (it turns out that the bodice had also shrunk from a time I was out in the rain in it and didn't get a chance to dry it out correctly in time, but its also cause i gained weight).

It's hard to see yourself as something other than fat, I know. I see myself as that and my fiance constantly calls me beautiful and sexy. One thing you might want to try. Work out. I started and I feel great about myself afterwards. Its like a mini-high. Just something like a walk or dance or whatever. I actually start to get depressed if I go too long without a good workout now. It took doing something physical to help get over my mental hump. I still don't see myself as sexy as my fiance says, but its a start

[SHpepperKat]

I just wanted to share something that my son who is 18 has said for the last few years, since girls stopped being yuckie. He always tells me that he doesn't like the toothpick girls. A real woman should have beautiful curves.

[Lady Hefron]

SHpepperKat,

God bless you son!

[UnicornBee]

My favorite quote "Girls, eat something. A guy doesn't want to be afraid he's going to impale himself on your hip bone when he is in bed with you."

Most of my male friends (and fiance and brother) don't want a girl that they are afraid they will break in bed.

[Selena]

Girl, you ain't kidding. I think many of us know what you are going thru. And I will never tell you it's easy. 'Cause it ain't. Our society is so screwy when it comes to what is deemed "beautiful" vs. what life outside the mag covers is really like.

Don't cut yourself short... you are not a failure because of your weight. I have no idea what you look like or what size you are, but do not call yourself a failure just because of what the scale says. I know... it's not easy... mine don't fit anymore either so I do know what you are talking about. You are not alone in the battle.

Hang in there... I know it's just words, but do know that people are worth a hell of a lot more than just what the scale says.

[devlyn]

Hey sweety!
If you have a chance to, stop by and I'll loan you something to wear for the weekend. I can't have you going to faire garbless! Besides I want a visit with you and your mom! :D

Dev

[Adriana Rose]

Dont dispare love we all go through it!! I had the break down to end all when I was helping Mum get her garb out for this year, Granted it probably is a funky hormone thing but I looked at alll my garb that is not gonna fit me for a while after the baby is born but I did this I put it in a tote and told myself that I will fit back into it all again and look even better in it!

Remember that real girls have curves

[Alchemist23]

Hey, if real girls have curves...I must be real in several continents. :P

Ya'll er just too nice. Mom and I were talking about it today, and she figured that was one of the reasons I was thinking about not going to GLMF, was going with Mom and Donna because I feel like a frumpy nobody around them.

And HEY Devlyn, I haven't gotten to talk to you in forever! I know we will most likely be stopping by at some point because my Sister needs a chemise before we go, and we are all Bodkin addicts. I miss my wine goddess though...it suited me. ^_^ I built my entire character around that thing.

I really think I am going to go. I mean...it's money I don't really have, but memories I'll never forget...like Tux, omg, I wouldn't have traded that for anything! And it will be my nieces birthday too...so, I donno. I just think I might go be frivolous, and try to enjoy myself and feel good.

[SHpepperKat]

That's the way. Go out there and have a BLAST. I wish I was closer to the east coast faires but I have to content myself with our little washington Faire. Go have a BLAST and remember that you are BEAUTIFUL.

[DoñaNina]

Oy, don't get me started on fat days.. my ex fiance put me on a diet. That's right, he put me on an f'ing diet because apparently I wasn't good enough when I was heavier.

Well I lost weight and dumped him, and he was MISERABLE.

Weight means nothing, it's all about attitude. If you're really not feeling good about yourself, you have the power to change, but remember that there's more to being sexy than a little waist and a pair of jugs.

I know, 'cuz I barely have one out of the two.

[WenchLadyKate]

It is about attitude. I'm feeling the same way myself these days. I was down almost 20 pounds and felt like I was on the right track but it keeps creeping back, pound by pound. I feel like crap, and now my mom's down 30 pounds so I feel even worse.

If I knew how to get out of the funk, I'd clue you in, but I don't. The only thing I can offer you is to tell you that you are one of the funniest, most talented and prettiest Wenches I have had the pleasure of knowing. You're a genuine sould and that unto itself is beautiful.

I hope you're starting to feel a bit better... :-)

[Gellis Indigo]

Sweetie, in the past 5 years I have gained 60 lbs, due to a job in an extremely hostile environment. (I'm in the process of getting out of there over summer vacation). This was after losing 20 LBS and finally feeling good about myself for the first time in ages.
I also battle depression, anxiety, etc. I know the desire to not leave the house. I have what I call my "hermit" stages.
Someone suggested exercise, and I have to second that suggestion. And don't exercise with a view to lose weight. Exercise with a view to become more healthy. For some reason, it just works better that way. That's how I lost the 20 lbs before. And now that I'm out of my hostile work environment I'm back on my treadmill, just walking. Start out slow, for maybe 20 minutes at a time. Exercise releases endorphines, so you won't be able to help but feel better.
Suggestion #2. Get outside. Get in the sunlight. Yes, I know, all you hear now is "stay out of the sun, it's bad for your skin". So go out, sit in the shade, but soak up the sunlight. It also releases chemicals in your brain and you won't be able to help but feel better. I've been spending tons of time outside in the past 2 months, and I'm a new person.
Suggestion #3. See a professional about your depression and anxiety issues. I can't stress this enough.

If you need to talk, PM me. I'm sure we could even arrange to get together some time, that'll get us BOTH out of the house and do us both some good!

And by all means, go see Dev.....a visit to her shop always leaves me feeling like a new woman!

[Isabelle Warwicke]

I'm a curvy wench. Women have curves. I try to use exercise as a way to get centered and clear my head. Don't exercise to lose weight, use it as a way to get outside, center yourself, find time to think quietly. I find that my brain moves forward as I do.

[Alchemist23]

The outside/excercise thing is one of those reasons I want to switch to day shifts at work.

My work is hell, most of you know that. So...I spend all day (I work nights)...counting down the hours before hell. And who wants to clean, do dishes, and run around right before you have to do the same for 6-8 hours?

I just got off work...it's about Midnight, and I am in the mood to do something, but everyone is asleep, and it's dark and quiet outside, so I just come on the internet. :P

Then there is dealing with constant pain, which adds to the depression and wieght gain. I have to be careful what I do, because I have a tendency to hurt my back and knee really badly. lol. Actually, most everything hurts, wrists, elbow, neck, forearms...etc...I have many places on my body that just hurt when people touch them. Almost like I am a big achy bruise. Swimming would be the best for me. I know it would, but it's impossible talking myself into a suit, and getting to a pool. (isn't the Y so expensive now?) Well, not impossible...but improbable. I'm just scared.

And ya, a trip to Odd Bodkin always makes me happy. I'm afriad I keep her from her work though, I talk so much. >.< Maybe when I move out, I'll move to miamisburg and become her little Odd Bodkin porch troll billboard. lol.

*huggles to everyone*

And thanks for your words Kate...*smooches I did the same thing...lost a little bit, then it started coming back. Arg, the bass turds!!

[SHpepperKat]

Then there is dealing with constant pain, which adds to the depression and wieght gain. I have to be careful what I do, because I have a tendency to hurt my back and knee really badly. lol. Actually, most everything hurts, wrists, elbow, neck, forearms...etc...I have many places on my body that just hurt when people touch them. Almost like I am a big achy bruise.



I would really recommend that you see a doc about this part of things. My Sister has a similar problem. She has fibromyalgia. She hurts all the time and sometimes has foggy days where she feels wrapped in cotton or something. There are things that the doc can do for her and it might be worth your while to go see a doc about this.

[Alchemist23]

I would really recommend that you see a doc about this part of things. My Sister has a similar problem. She has fibromyalgia. She hurts all the time and sometimes has foggy days where she feels wrapped in cotton or something. There are things that the doc can do for her and it might be worth your while to go see a doc about this.

I don't have insurance, and I did break down and see a doc....and am still paying off a bill, and they did nothing but give me more ibuprofen. (At the rate I am going, I'll have no liver by 30) They didn't even check me for diabetes or thyroid issues, which I asked them about specifically. I donno about the cotton thing, but I have weak days...when my body, expecially my arms and legs get really...tired? Fuzzy, tingly, sandbaggy. It seems I spend a LOT of time without energy, and it's not lazy, it's really feeling krackered. And lately, this wierd thing...where I get a shiver, and the left lower part of my face goes tingly and numby. wtf is that?

It's a little scary...but I have no way to see a doc, or even get to one, so I'm kinda just stuck falling apart for a while until I can work my way out of things.

Besides, they always want to focus on one thing, and there is so much going on I wouldn't know where to start. Last doctor asked me..."So you have pain"...yes "Where"...everywhere there is a joint, plus some. I think he thought I was joking or something.

Actually, I wonder how much of the pain is from the wieght, and wieght is from the pain. They work agianst each other...as the pain/tiredness got worse, I got more sedentary, bored, and munchy. Then that causes more problems...you know, the proverbial double edged sword. I feel like I whine about it too much, but I'm just concerned that it's dealing too much with my quality of life, and I am frustrated that I can't seem to get help.

[SHpepperKat]

It's really hard not to have insurance. I am staying in a job I HATE simply for the insurance. Can't afford my meds without it. It sometimes takes a specialist to diagnose things, or a really really good doc who listens and pasy sttention to the answers. I don't know where you live but there might be a teaching hospital that has clinic or something along those lines near where you live. We have a place here in WA that is a triage who helps people find a doc that they can afford or one who will see them for nothing. It might be worth checking in to. I wish I could help you more than just giving support and an ear to listen. But if I come up with anymore ideas for you I will post or pm them to you .