ZOMG! She's 13!

[WenchLadyKate]

And not even mine! Okay, my little cuz is asking some pretty tough questions. Questions about sex and masturbation. Problem is, I have no idea how to explain this stuff.

First thing I did was call her mom. Told her about the questions. She's not surprised she came to me, she came to me about her teasing issues at school and I helped her through that stuff. She just told me to use my discretion and answer her as honestly as I could. Problem is, I have NO idea of what to say!

I don't want to scare her, or encourage her, I just want to be able to answer her questions and not say the absolute wrong thing.

I need help. I don't know where to start, what to say, what issues to address. I do have to address the issue of oral sex though. Apparently some stupid 14 year old boy tried to get her to do it. :roll:

Any info, or websites, or suggestions are most welcome. I know a lot of you ladies have probably gone through this with your own kids, and I welcome your advice.

I just can't believe, she's 13 and she's telling me that some of her friends are already having sex! AT 13!!! I know they start younger than we in our 30's did, but sheesh!

:rescue:

[Luciana]

I am very interested in how to address this also, considering that my little one is 12 now and she started asking questions.

[ambar]

Any discussions should include STD and the fact that "the first time" CAN get you pregnant. When I was young Mom went to planned parenthood and got brochures. I learned more than I probably should have. However, that is the way I learn best. To read and think about things. Don't know how your little ones learn though.

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/educational-resources/for-parents/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-sex.htm


http://www.plannedparenthood.org/sexual-health/teens-health/guide-for-teens-and-families.htm

[FairieTink]

*Rocks back and forth*

Mine is 13, going to be 14 in Jan.

I bought her a couple of books cause she didn't want to talk to me, I'll see if I can find them at home.

[MisRed]

So, the DH teaches sex ed to college students and did 9 months at PP teaching it to grade schoolers and up. (Just so you know the qualifications here. :) )

Issues to address: Let her bring them up. Sounds like you did a great job on the oral sex question and I encourage you to keep the conversation going. Ask if she has any other questions, heard anything at school or from her friends that she might not understand. About the only /wrong/ thing you can do is reject her questions and give a speech about "Tab A goes into Slot B" and end the conversation there. It's not a one time kind of conversation.

Usually the kids will let you know if you've gone too far. A sudden change of subject, or any of those little signs you look for to say "Kay, done now." is a good time to wrap up.

DON'T BRAG!!! Even if it's a great story, it can cross a line that can alter the conversation entirely.

DON'T BE SCARY!! Stories about 12 year old mothers and kids dying of STI's aren't effective in the long run. The first time they have sex and they don't die or get pregnant, the message is lost.

(Not that I need to say those things here, it's just part of my standard "How do I talk to my kids about sex" schpiel.)

I've discovered with the Wenchlette, that more of the conversation revolves about feelings. "Is my thinking or feeling this bad?" "What makes sex dirty?" and that's in a house where sex is talked about /all the time/. And we've talked about the emotional repercussions of having a sexual relationship. What if feels like when a guy you like doesn't call back. What to do if someone is pressuring you to have sex with them to mark /them/ as special. What it feels like to like someone and /want/ to have sex with them. Why sex is special.

(I've worked hard to overcome the "Sex is bad, nasty and could kill you. Have it with someone you love." message I was taught.)

As far as 13 year olds having sex, I've heard of younger than that and 14 year old boys who /choose/ to have consensual sex with younger (12) girls "because she can't get pregnant if she hasn't started her period."

I'll get off the soapbox now. *dusts it for someone else's use* If you'd like feel free to e-mail me, or PM me, or just ask away. If you want more info I'm happy to oblige. :)

[Bean]

Be factual and don't lie to her!!

[SHpepperKat]

All the suggestions I have read here are great. Just be honest with her and let her lead where the conversations will go. It sounds like she is very comfortable with you and talking to you so that will be a big help. The information from planned parenthood is very good. You can also check with your local health department and see what information they have as well. Have faith in yourself and know that she came to you because she trusts you to help her find the answers to her questions.

[Saucy Sue]

Openess and honesty is best. There were times when I was freaking out on the inside about the questions my daughter was asking but on the outside I stayed calm and was able to answer the question.

I started talks with mine when she was just a little thang. Helped that my sister was pregnant and I was able to address the whole "where do babies come from?" issue when she was around 4 years old. I geared the information to her in an age-appropriate level. As she got older, I would give her more details as the questions came. I think I did a pretty good job because now her cousin (who is 15) is asking her questions. She is giving her cousin good advice about not giving in to pressure and doing things she doesn't want to do.

Main thing to remember that sex in itself is not "wrong" or "bad". It is when someone tries to make you do something that you don't want to do that it is wrong. No one should feel that they should have sex (either oral or whatever) just because everybody does it. No boy will be medically harmed if he gets an erection and the girl doesn't "do something for it".

I am glad that she has you to come and talk to about stuff. My sister is a lot like our Mom...doesn't like to address the tough issues. My sex education came from books. One day, a set of Health Encyclopedias magically appeared on our bookshelf. That was supposed to address any questions I might have. :unamused: So, I made a point of not repeating history. I have always told my daughter and my nieces that they can always come to me if they ever have any questions or just need to talk.

Good luck!

[WenchLadyKate]

I've told her that she can come over and craft with me (she likes to scrapbook too) on Thursday. I always found it easier to talk to my mom about serious stuff either in the car or over a project. I felt better when I didn't have to actually look at her. I want to offer her the same comfort. I'm sure she'll be embarrassed by some of her questions.

I want to be as honest as I can, and I'm not quite sure how to answer the specific question about what makes sex dirty, kinky or just bad, but I think the challenge wtih her will be letting her know that it's alright to say no.

I'm going to swing by PP on the way home tonight and get the STD handouts. I want her to be informed, but not scared off, and I think the reading will help her.

So, letting her lead the conversation is a good idea, right?

[WenchLadyKate]

Main thing to remember that sex in itself is not "wrong" or "bad". It is when someone tries to make you do something that you don't want to do that it is wrong. No one should feel that they should have sex (either oral or whatever) just because everybody does it. No boy will be medically harmed if he gets an erection and the girl doesn't "do something for it".
Good luck!

Thank you for reminding me about this. I forget how manipulative boys can be. Especially boys with raging hormones.

[Kylee]

I don't have any kids (yet), but I got this book (http://www.amazon.com/Deal-Whole-Approach-Your-Brain/dp/0671041576/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-8781846-8387635?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1186504618&sr=8-1) from my parents when I was in junior high, and it's fantastic. It explains a lot of stuff related to the body (sexual and non-sexual issues) very accurately, but in a way that is totally clear to a 13 year old.

I still have my copy, though I don't know what condition the book is in. If it's in good condition, would you like me to bring it to faire for you this weekend?

[WenchLadyKate]

What a FANTASTIC book! It's got slang and whatnot too, words that she'll actually hear. She knew what oral sex was, but not the blowjob reference. This has that, and I'm sure others as well! I've got a copy in my amazon cart, and I'll be ordering it this afternoon (I just have to choose a few other things from my wish list of course!). Hopefully, I can have it tomorrow, or at least by Thursday.

Thank you for the offer of bringing it, but I don't want to take your copy. You may want it one day! :-) It'd be neat to be able to give your daughter a book that helped you.

[Peaches O Malley]

*Rocks back and forth*

Mine is 13, going to be 14 in Jan.

I bought her a couple of books cause she didn't want to talk to me, I'll see if I can find them at home.

OMG, tell her she's giving Peaches palpatations!

[surlywench]

Pretty much what everyone else has said, let her lead the convo, respect her ZOMGTMI limits and doing it over a crafty project is a *great* idea.

And it's awesome that she has you to go with for this stuff :)

[Peaches O Malley]

I don't have any kids (yet), but I got this book (http://www.amazon.com/Deal-Whole-Approach-Your-Brain/dp/0671041576/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-8781846-8387635?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1186504618&sr=8-1) from my parents when I was in junior high, and it's fantastic. It explains a lot of stuff related to the body (sexual and non-sexual issues) very accurately, but in a way that is totally clear to a 13 year old.

I still have my copy, though I don't know what condition the book is in. If it's in good condition, would you like me to bring it to faire for you this weekend?

Thank you! I have a niece (not even close to 13) that I will buy that for when the questions start.:wink:

[Mistress Morigianna]

one thing you might lightly go over is what is happening to boys at her age. I remember that in 5 or so grade they pulled the girls & boys apart to show the "film". The silly one with the perriods and the sperm in swim trunks and the egg with earrings...*rotfl*

the girls got to see the girls film but the boys saw both,- i always wondered what the boys film was. Boys told me all kinds of things. Lucky I could ask my mom. They really should show the girls the boys film too. (it was about a boys changes in puberty and wet dreams and such like the girls film was about periods and boobs)

I have flat out told someone that sex vhangesthe way people look at you at thier age. It adds more issues to deal with and most teens don't need more issues. At that age once you do it- the boy will always expect it and there is no going back. ( gee sometimes at my age too-:unamused:)

- (tongue in cheek) I reccommend she learn to really be a good ear nibbler and kisser. If you can get a guy to lose it in the back seatwhile sitting on his lap fully clothed .......... You won't have to worry about the rest for awhile.
but she is a little young for that yet.... *rotfl**rotfl**rotfl*

[Mistress Morigianna]

oh I forgot- the masterbation thing-

unless there is a religious issue......
(ok i'm blunt)
tell her only to use her own hands and how to wash. she is too young for foreign objects. Evedently -my first gyn told me -some girls try to put a pencil there and hurt themselves a little????
also that it is a private thing you don't do in the middle of the living room- LOL
( really that is 2 year old boys- heheheh)

[ambar]

- (tongue in cheek) I reccommend she learn to really be a good ear nibbler and kisser. If you can get a guy to lose it in the back seatwhile sitting on his lap fully clothed .......... You won't have to worry about the rest for awhile.
but she is a little young for that yet.... *rotfl**rotfl**rotfl*


::whistle:: Interesting idea......

[Kae]

It really isn't that unusual that she is asking. I have high school students ask me questions all the time. (I am a teacher. ANd many students start high school at 13.) I have also helped with instructing my stepkids. We just answer the questions as they come and make sure that they feel comfortable speaking with us. If they feel comfortable speaking with us, they will continue to do so.

We have intermediate schools with day care centers in this country. They start young especially when they are not well informed. I remember teaching a class in California about STD's and pregnancy. After the class, two girsl approached me. One asked if she could get pregnant using the "missionary" position. It seems her live-in boyfriend convinced her that Missionary was the only way to conceive. The other asked if you could get pregnant from French Kissing. Her parents taught her that they only way to get pregnant was through french kissing. Needless to say, from about the 10th grade on, she had been participating in many other activities that could get her pregnant. SHe was lucky. I walked both girls over to the student health clinic.

What I am trying to say, is that giving accurate information is not a bad thing. As long as you don't act tweeked about it - the kids are usually fine. Without this information, it is scary what can happen.

Kae

[Margaret]

OMG, tell her she's giving Peaches palpatations!

*snerk*

Well, HG came to me abuot a week ago and asked "Mommy, am I old enough to know where babies come from?"

Careful not to drive the car off the road in my suprise, I figured if she was old enough to ask, she was old enough to know some of it. I said "Sure, but let's talk about it at home." She said sure and then promptly forgot about it once we got home. I asked her if she wanted to talk about a few hours later and she said "Maybe some other time, mom."

She's 9 so she's moving into that 'want to know/don't really want to know yet' stage.

[ambar]

Kae, I wonder how many of those ideas (can't get pregnant the first time, or only in missionary, or others) come from rumors and heresay from other kids.

All in all, it's better that she come to you Kate and ask for the truth. That will prevent a lot of upset later.

[Kae]

That is the strange thing. The kissing one came directly from the girl's parents. They figured if she wasn't kissing she wouldn't do anything else. As for positioning - who knows. There are so many runors out there and then TV and Movies don't help. If the kids can't talk to an adult they trust - they talk to other kids. Some try to talk to us teachers. That puts us in a precarious position. We want to be honest and upfront and we definately want them to have the right information, but we don't want to step on any parental toes and get sued.
Kae

[Pansy Faye]

I'm glad she's coming to you and not one of her friends who never give the right answers. It's good that she has someone to trust, BUT my big question is why doesn't her mom tell her these things. I can see why your niece didn't ask her, embarressed and all, but now that mom knows she's asking, she really should talk to her.

If you are going to talk, be honest. don't even try to put a soft spin on it. I was brutal and honest with my kids (2 girs and 1 boy) when it came to sex talks. I never lied or stretched the truth or even skirted around it.

I agree with discussing the cleanliness of it all and the possibilties of STD, pregnancies, AIDS, the pill, other birth control options, BUT most importantly, let her guide the discussion. don't just throw it all out there. Let her ask and you answer the question. she may not be interested in dildos and vampire gloves, but may be interested in other things and of course the whole boy thing will be front and center.

I would ask mom if she would rather do this, but some moms just don't like to talk about it and are very happy to have someone else do it. They don't want their daughters to think they do that sort of thing.

[WenchLadyKate]

I'm glad she's coming to you and not one of her friends who never give the right answers. It's good that she has someone to trust, BUT my big question is why doesn't her mom tell her these things. I can see why your niece didn't ask her, embarressed and all, but now that mom knows she's asking, she really should talk to her.

If you are going to talk, be honest. don't even try to put a soft spin on it. I was brutal and honest with my kids (2 girs and 1 boy) when it came to sex talks. I never lied or stretched the truth or even skirted around it.

I agree with discussing the cleanliness of it all and the possibilties of STD, pregnancies, AIDS, the pill, other birth control options, BUT most importantly, let her guide the discussion. don't just throw it all out there. Let her ask and you answer the question. she may not be interested in dildos and vampire gloves, but may be interested in other things and of course the whole boy thing will be front and center.

I would ask mom if she would rather do this, but some moms just don't like to talk about it and are very happy to have someone else do it. They don't want their daughters to think they do that sort of thing.

I went to mom first. I think that my little cuz just wants the one on one. She's got 2 other sisters, one older, one younger. The older one would tease, and the younger is an attention sucker. You know the type, "LOOK AT ME MOM MOM LOOKIT HEY LOOK AT ME LOOK LOOK LOOK HEY MOM LOOK MOM HEY MOM HEY LOOK". It's nice and quiet at my house so there's more privacy. Also, I helped her through a teasing problem at school when her mom just told her to shrug it off, so I think it's trust as well.

Last year, she was being teased about her moustache. She was just starting to notice a change and the hair on her legs and upper lip was getting noticably darker. The legs weren't an issue, but the upper lip was. After she told me she was going to shave it off, I decided to ask her mom if it was okay that I brought her to my hairdresser to get it waxed. She wasn't prepared for it to hurt so bad, so I bought her a prezzie.

A short time after that, she got her first period and came to me again for different information about products than her mom gave her. There were tears about cramps and messing up a pair of jeans so I bought her another prezzie.

Both times, information that she told me never went any further, so I'm thinking that she trusts me already, and she might get another prezzie. She's probably right. lol

[wendyzski]

You know, I haven't got any kids and don't plan to have any, but I just wanted to say that I think the thread is an example of what the Wenches Guild really is all about - strong women helping other strong women. So many people with good suggestions as to how to approach this so that young girls grow up safe, knowledgeable, and comfortable with their own bodies. That's pretty cool!

[Gellis Indigo]

*begin threadjack*

But isn't it fun to be the "cool adult" that she comes to for advice?

Near the end of his 6th grade year my nephew was really struggling in school. I took him out to eat (at Culvers) and we just talked about what was going on, what he saw as his weaknesses and strengths, and how he could use his strengths to overcome his weaknesses. Then I took him househunting with me.

He just finished 8th grade in June. His classmates voted him "Most Likely To Succeed" and "Class Bookworm"! I'm so proud of him.

*end threadjack*

[Calimaryn]

Angel and I actually had this talk in the car on last Friday as I was driving her to the airport to return home to TN. I had plotted all summer how to have the talk with her. Finally I could procrastinate no more with her going to be gone in an hour.

She has a boyfriend and they kiss already. She actually called me up and told me about her first kiss! So I think we share a pretty open and trusting relationship. In 8th grade she had a Teen Living class which preached abstinence by a teacher who wore suggestive* clothing. (*Her words were actually "slutty".)

I told her about the diseases one can get. I told her about respecting herself and to not let anyone convince her to do something she doesn't want to do. I also stressed that there are diseases, pregnancy and boys out just for their own pleasure. As a teen she is interested and thats fine, I asked her to be responsible for her actions and smart in her choices. She agreed that she is not ready for more than kissing right now and for the most part she knows and says she is not ready for a boyfriend.

I did mention my high school friend who had a baby at 15. I did mention my sister who had a baby at 17. She is already aware that I chose not to have a baby at 17. Her dad & stepmom have a toddler so she knows the real job of taking care of a baby.

Mainly I just stressed that when she is ready, she be safe and smart. Two types of protection and preferably with a loving caring partner. I did not do more than mention masturbation as she got the EWWWWW face which ended "the Talk". hehe

Take a deep breath. Give her the correct info that she is looking for and cross your fingers. We were all teens once and know what we did. I can only hope that my talking openly and honestly will help my daughter make better choices.


Edit: Oh! I almost forgot to mention. Remind her that oral sex, is still SEX. It should be contemplated with the same responsibility and emotion as intercourse!!

[MisRed]

I remember teaching a class in California about STD's and pregnancy. After the class, two girsl approached me. One asked if she could get pregnant using the "missionary" position. It seems her live-in boyfriend convinced her that Missionary was the only way to conceive. The other asked if you could get pregnant from French Kissing. Her parents taught her that they only way to get pregnant was through french kissing. Needless to say, from about the 10th grade on, she had been participating in many other activities that could get her pregnant. SHe was lucky. I walked both girls over to the student health clinic.

What I am trying to say, is that giving accurate information is not a bad thing. As long as you don't act tweeked about it - the kids are usually fine. Without this information, it is scary what can happen.

Kae

Yepyep. I've done HIV education for years, and the DH and I have shared stories about some of the absolutely /tragic/ questions we've gotten. Some of it comes from parents who never got good education and are confused and ashamed of sex altogether. Some of it comes from kids who don't think they can talk to parents, so they "listen in" and get misinformation from other kids, TV, Music etc. And some of it is from the "Slot" mentality from (some? most) educational programs.

And yes, /tragic/ can be funny; /reallyreally/ funny. It's just when you look back at it, it almost makes you cry.

[Buxom Wench]

Ya know, I've got 2 adult daughters, (25 & 22) and I never really had "The Talk" with them.
I've been talking to them and asnwering questions since they were old enough to ask.
When they asked general questions; can you get pregnant the first time?, I gave general answers.
If they asked specifics and I thought they were old enough for the details, I didn't hold back.
I've never made my kids (2 daughters, 2 stepsons) feel that their bodies were something to be ashamed of.
I also told them that when they do decide to make an adult decision, they should think about being adult enough for the consequences.
(hey, I've raised 4 kids, I DON'T want to raise any more).
To this day, my kids talk to me about anything and everything.
I tried never to make any one subject seem like a big to do.
It's all part of life.

[Saucy Sue]

It does amaze me the amount of misinformation that goes around:

*You can't get pregnant if you do it standing up.
*You can't get pregnant if you are on your period.
*You can't get pregnant if I just put it in but don't "finish" inside.
*You can't get pregnant the first time you do it.
*You can't get pregnant if I don't use a condom just this one time.
*You can't catch anything by oral sex.
*Oral sex isn't really sex.

All of these I have heard from kids my daughter goes to school with.

[Gemdrite]

Ya know, I never really got The Talk either, other than, "Don't do it." Said jokingly after seeing a commercial about talking to your kids about sex. I am Lutheran, and therefore grew up in an abstinance only environment. I don't think sex is dirty, I don't feel guilty about the things I've done, but I will not have sex til I am married. It isn't even completely about faith for me, I just don't see the need to have sex until I am in a committed relationship where I know that (at least for a while) there will be two parents committed to parenting, ya know? I mean, I don't plan for divorce, and I won't get married just for the sake of a child. My parents did that for me. Bad idea. Sex is just not more important to me than the assurance that there will be no little surprises until I am at a point in life where I could handle it. And that definitely isn't now.

Thinking back, I don't think I ever really got wrong information about sex either, but I read a lot, so that's probably why. I don't remember, but I probably would have been the one correcting my friends' info, but I don't remember talking about it much til college, honestly.

[Jazperia Silverlion]

Absolutely be open and honest. Yes, sex does feel nice if you're doing it right but....be informed and explain everything else that goes along with that "nice" feeling. And...this is really good practice for when you have your own kiddos....or for when mine gets old enough to send over to your house for this talk!!! :)

[Mistress Morigianna]

I just see tv/movies about "rainbow" parties for 6th graders and get the willies......

[DameGoode]

May I add my favorite website for speaking to kids?
It's www.kidshealth.org
It is written appropriate langauges for Parents/adults, teenagers, and kids.
It's an outstanding resource in general.

(It addresses even stuff like colds, pimples, stress, and adoption anxiety.)
Love it love it love it!