A nation of wimps---long but interesting

[Nevada]

I found this absolutely fascinating....if somewhat scary

http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20041112-000010.html

[Lady Sarah]

I've seen this happening for some time now - in the news and in the local area. I live right behind a High School and it's not funny. This is exactly the reason why:

These kids have been controlled for so long, they just go crazy."

Now, it was taken out of context, but I believe it can stand by itself.

When my mother had the daycare, she was brought a young boy (I'd say at the time he was 18mo) who had never been let out of the playpen at his previous daycare. The woman who took care of him before, never let him out, every time he'd cry she stuck a bottle in his mouth. As a result, he knew nothing about how to play with the other kids and how to interact with us. Once he got to our house, however, he rarely spent time in the playpen (only to nap) and he'd run as fast as he could towards the bookshelves (which at the time held a lot of valuable treasures that my parents had picked up in their criss-crossing of the globe), only to stop within a breath of the shelves. My mom cringed every time, but knew he had to learn when to stop - on his own. After a few weeks, he calmed down and began to interact normally. by the time he left the daycare, he was as close to normal as a crack baby could be.

Kids are so sheltered these days and it breaks my heart. This gearing of children for their future is depriving them of their childhood. I guess a lot of parents these days have their reasons, and I can't even pretend to know what they are. I'm not a parent, I'll freely admit, but I can offer a 3rd party view on the situation. Let them grow up in due time, leave them alone on the playground and let them take life's lumps. You can't be with them every second of every day. All you can do is teach them and let them go. No one is ever going to be a perfect parent - so please stop trying to make your child the perfect child.

[Kae]

Seems accurate to me. As a teacher, I see this everyday. Teens are no where close to being ready for college and "real" life. Parents are ready to blame everyone and anyone when their child makes a mistake. THey don't take responsibility and that scares me.

Kae

PS. This is intended as a generalization. I have some awesome parents and students. I also have many that scare me.

[Jeannie Fitzgerald]

I see all this in the young (18-30) customers I get at work and, to a smaller degree, the ones I work at at Ren Fests. For them, it's instant gratification, refusal to obey rules, a poor sense of values, etc. The temper tantrums I get from them when they fail a carding for tobacco or alcohol is something I would expect from a five year old. The importance they place on alcohol is really disturbing. Many, if they fail their carding (bad ID, no ID, whatever), try to resort to stealing. They cannot understand that reading magazines without paying for them is stealing. The concept of honesty is non-existant for most of them anyway. They try to circumvent rules (it doesn't work when they try it with this old bitch), insisting on having things their way. The language they use, both casually and in anger, is appalling. Then they don't understand it when I throw them out of the store for using it.

I had considered teaching or substitute teaching for a second career after I retired from my last job, but the tales I hear about the spoiled brats teacher friends of mine have to put up with and how helpless they are to deal with it put that idea out of my head.

[Alianne]

I agree that kids are far more sheltered than we were as kids, but consider this also:

When I was a kid, most of the moms were 'stay at homes'. We could run the neighborhood, everyone knew everyone, everyone's home was safe.

Now, with most parents (if there are two in the home) working out of necessity, there's no one home after school so kids can just run. Activities have to be scheduled because no one's around just to go 'hang out with'.

And kids do need to learn to take their lumps.

The Demi-god just discovered this a few weeks ago. He happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and to make a long story short, he got a 3 day in school suspension. He gave me his side of what happened. I called the vice principal to get the school's side and agreed with the school that even though he didn't *plan* on being involved in a minor incident, he let himself get sucked into what we've been calling 'The Vortex of Stupid' and had to just deal.

(He came home that afternoon gleefully telling me he couldn't march in the local parade that upcoming Saturday -- it was supposed to rain and he was happy not to have to march. Now, in his jr high, marching band's *mandatory* for all band students -- not an elective. I called the vice principal the next day and pointed this out and he agreed that the Demi-god *should* march.

"Besides," I said, "don't you think it's more fitting that he have to march in the cold and rain rather than be 'punished' by sitting at home in a dry house?" :twisted:

The vice principal likes how I think, btw. :)

But...the issues are more complex than 'parents just don't let their kids do XXX' or that parents are over protective....or if they have become so, it's just possible that they've been scared by an overreacitve media, as well.

And I don't understand what the writer's beef is with kids wearing helmets or playgrounds being padded. A helmet kept the Demi-god from being seriously injured when he went over the handlebars of his bike a couple months ago (and yes, we made him wear one when he was a pre-schooler on a tricycle -- not so much because we thought he'd get really hurt, but to begin the habit of 'helmet on when riding any bike at all times'....and padded playgrounds are done more to limit liability. And why cut up a knee when a surface can be made safer and softer? I just don't see the problem with those scenarios.

[Sorcha Griannon]

I have to say that was a very interesting read, thank you. Unfortunately, my husband reminds me a LOT of the part about the cell phone. He seems to think that he HAS to call his father at least 3 times daily. And it's not about anything important....sometimes it's stupid things like that ice cream senario.
Now my brother's girlfriend is much like this rest. Their baby girl never gets to explore the house (rarely even gets to play on the floor). She is too overprotected. My brother is trying to get her to loosen up, but so far nada. The child hasn't even slept alone...she sleeps with them.

Sorcha

[Dragonfly]

I was married to man who's mother directed his life for him. He couldn't do his own laundry, and even whined at me that I didn't put his underwear in the dryer to make it warm in the mornings for him like his mother used to do in high school.

Yup. High school.

I refused to be his mommy to him, so he divorced me and found some enabler that would. And they're bothing being sickly codepedant on the West Coast.

His mother, in the mean time, offered me a full apology upon realizing that her original behavior had set the stage for this problem. That is rare.

And like Lady Sarah, i saw this coming many, many moons ago as well. I was PROUD of the scars I had as a kid from falling off my bike, or cutting my foot open after diving 20 feet from a tree in to the local swimming hole.
My child is going to have a tether and a dog lead, and I'm just going to let them go explore asl they want, and make sure the health insurance is up to date for stitches, scrapes, bumps and bruises and other awesome childhood wounds.
It was getting a concussion after falling off my bike at 13 that taught me the wisdom of wearing a helmet AT ALL TIMES. Before that I thought it was stupid.

[Leela]

Very interesting article...

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future life as a parent...and as a result, I've been reading lots of articles like this one. So I know these overprotective parents are out there, I just don't have first hand experience with them.

My father did though. He was a grade school teacher for over 45 years, and when he retired, he was SO happy! He'd seen how the kids had changed over the years, and not for the better. Some of it was overprotection, but more often not just that but that sad combination...the neglected but materialistically spoiled child.

Anyways, we've decided on our end, a couple of things right off the bat. No TV for the first 4 years. Absolutely nothing till she's 2. Then DVD's and prerecorded shows from 2-4. This will give her the chance to play and explore and learn to deal with the world without the hyperdrive of commercial life wigging her out. I want her to be interested, curious, and strong, with the ability to concentrate. So lots of outdoor time, reading stories every night, listening to music, and lots of toys like blocks and stuffed animals and puppets and things.

Personally, what I'm immediately looking forward to is the tickling, the cuddling, the raspberries, and kissing her little feet. Nuzzling her fuzzy little scalp, smelling her baby smell (no doubt THAT will be an ever-changing experience) :lol: and watching the rogue play with her.

Thanks for the good read!

[Mairi the Herbwench]

Dragnfly - you got off easy with just a concusiion. My husband's youngest cousin is living with permanent brain damage from a bicycle accident. And I diagree that both parents *have* to work. All of my siblings have kids, all of them had a parent stay at home, all have graduated from or are attending college, one has her Masters.

You chose what your priorities in life are - and if you have children, they should be near the top of the list.

For single parents, this is much more difficult. I was raised by my mom from age 7, when my dad split, to age 15, when she died. I've done everything I can to discourage my single friend from chosing to have a baby - it's not fair to the kid to have just one parent by choice. After my mom died, I spent a year in a foster home - and it wasn't a bad home, but it wasn't *my* home.

Times have changed. A good friend of mine tells how when he did something bad, the phone call reached his mom before he got home. Now, assuming a parent is home, how often does the child get disciplined? (Which, BTW, isn't a bad word.)

Times have changed. I feel that there are more predators out there, and our children can't be as free as we were. Drugs are much more prevelant than when I was young. There's more pressure to grow up faster. Girls are starting their periods at age 10 and younger.

I'm glad I made the choice to not have kids - I'm not sure I would have survived their childhood. I'm glad I grew up when I did. I'm glad that I had a mom that loved me, and let me know, and let me mistakes and suffer the consequences.

Cherish your children.

[Nevada]

ummm sometimes the priority is making sure you can afford to feed your child and keep a roof over their head...some parents do "have" to both work...there is no way my Rogue and I could afford to have a child now much less have one of us stay at home all the time. My mom and step dad both worked...I was a latch key child and it taught me indpendence and responsibility...mom was always there is I needed to ask advice but it was my responsibility to do my chores, homework etc because there was no one around to make sure I did it. If a family can afford to have one parent at home that is optimal, but unfortunately with the current financial situation for many people it isnt possible

[Magdalene]

ummm sometimes the priority is making sure you can afford to feed your child and keep a roof over their head...some parents do "have" to both work...there is no way my Rogue and I could afford to have a child now much less have one of us stay at home all the time. My mom and step dad both worked...I was a latch key child and it taught me indpendence and responsibility...mom was always there is I needed to ask advice but it was my responsibility to do my chores, homework etc because there was no one around to make sure I did it. If a family can afford to have one parent at home that is optimal, but unfortunately with the current financial situation for many people it isnt possible

I think she was referring to the parents who both work because they (and their kids) always "have" to have a brand new, stylish car, the latest clothes, the latest gadgets, a five-bedroom house (despite only having two children), when they'd be fine with a more moderately-priced car, clothes from K-Mart (or other big chain of your choice), and a three-bedroom house. (Or even a two-bedroom, kids can share a room, you know....)

[Alianne]

ummm sometimes the priority is making sure you can afford to feed your child and keep a roof over their head...some parents do "have" to both work...there is no way my Rogue and I could afford to have a child now much less have one of us stay at home all the time. My mom and step dad both worked...I was a latch key child and it taught me indpendence and responsibility...mom was always there is I needed to ask advice but it was my responsibility to do my chores, homework etc because there was no one around to make sure I did it. If a family can afford to have one parent at home that is optimal, but unfortunately with the current financial situation for many people it isnt possible

I think she was referring to the parents who both work because they (and their kids) always "have" to have a brand new, stylish car, the latest clothes, the latest gadgets, a five-bedroom house (despite only having two children), when they'd be fine with a more moderately-priced car, clothes from K-Mart (or other big chain of your choice), and a three-bedroom house. (Or even a two-bedroom, kids can share a room, you know....)

She may have been...I know *I* wasn't. Where I live, just to keep a roof over your head, the vast majority of the time, both parents have to work.

Our compromise was to work different times. I worked a standard 9-5 (coupled with periods of being a SAHM and working part time), David worked 3-11. We only needed child care for a few hours a day during the overlap, and one of us was home most of the time with our boys. It was hard on *us* -- it felt like we were two ships passing in the night for years, but it allowed us to both be at home with our children.

Parents have to decide what's best for them and their kids. For some parents, everyone's actually happier if both are working. I know I didn't want to sacrifice my education and my career completely....nor did David. But even so, it was more *my* career that went by the wayside when the children were little...but our reality was that David was the one with the better income...and more important, with all the benefits. His job was not expendable. Mine was.

And FWIW, I'm glad I was anal about bike helmets when the kids were little. The day the Demi-god ended up on the pavement (and yes, his head hit the ground after his wrist did), the end result was that he needs a new helmet. Had the habit not been so deeply ingrained, maybe he might not have worn his helmet that day.....and I don't even want to think about what might have happened then.....

[Mairi the Herbwench]

Thanks, Magdelene - that's *exactly* what I meant! I didn't get my own room until I left my 1t husband...

[Nevada]

okay Mairi..that I agree with..if you are trying to keep up with the joneses at the detriment of your child..that reeks...I lived for many years next to a very affluent area and even though moms there generally had no job...they were still too busy with all their charity functions to be involved in their own kids lives on a day to day basis...hired nannies to do all the work....and here how many of us would love to be able to afford to stay home and be there for each stage....ttthhh!!!

[justLori]

Working from home, I see exactly how many stay-at-home moms there are on my street...and there's a Dad, too. It's amazing to me.

I'm looking forward to joining their ranks in May, at least for a little while. I have no idea if I'm going ot be a stay-at-home mom, or if I'll go back to work, even part-time. Both have their place.

I was a latchkey kid, and also spent time in a myriad of day cares before that. I have my opinions about day care--and they are strong ones. I also think kids should get that latchkey time when old enough, even if it's just an hour or two. They do learn to fend for themselves, and how to clean up messes BEFORE the parents come home. At least, I did. :wink:

just Lori
(19 weeks and counting!)