need help with telemarketer....

[Mistress Morigianna]

heheheh
there is a better homes and garden telemarketer that is calling my grandma every nite. we have asked her to stop and be removed, speak to a manager ect.

Now we are just laughing. We need silly things to do when they call.
we have come up with various one liners and sillyness.
My favorite is reading from a microsoft book with intent like you are reading the bible and being yelling about aliens (bring the tinfoil, sonny...they are calling again....)

any ideas for one liners before hanging up or sillyness? *rotfl*

[Buxom Wench]

Something I've done to persistant callers.

"Could you hang on a minute? There's someone at the door."

Then I put the phone down and walk away and continue on with whatever I was doing when they called. I think it took 10 minutes before they finally hung up.

[BryanPopp]

My Favorite is from Calvin and Hobbes.
Answer and don't say hello. Instead order a large pizza with anchovies or what ever you like then say thank you and hang up.

[Isabelle Warwicke]

*rotfl*Keep a referees whistle near the phone. When you answer and it's them, blow it really loudly into the receiver!

Or you could pull the Tom Mabe (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un_PjRXV5l8) joke. Awesome.

[Branwen]

*rotfl*Keep a referees whistle near the phone. When you answer and it's them, blow it really loudly into the receiver!

Or you could pull the Tom Mabe (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un_PjRXV5l8) joke. Awesome.

As a hated bill collector I must PLEASE ask NOT to blow a whistle into the receiver. Yes, I know I am NOT a telemarketer, but I am Just as hated. Hanging up and other silliness is funny after awhile, although the blowing of the whistle is very harmful for the person who is just doing their job.

Most companies are on auto dialers and the employee has no control of the calls that are being made as it is the computer that is making the call.

Now, you can be removed from the telemarketer list by signing up at the Gov (https://www.donotcall.gov/) website. If they continue to call you can get the business name and the phone number that they are calling from and file a complaint against them on the same website. Once you have signed up on the DNC list they have 31 days to comply, if they don't they can get a hefty fine and also lose their capability to continue to sell.

I've done what Bux has done. Ask the person on the phone to hold on while you do "X" is usually the most fun.

My Brother has come up with a few whoppers: (I'll post them, some may be considered offensive).
















Acme Abortion Clinic. You rape 'em, We scrape 'em. No Fetus can beat us. How may we help you.

Bob's Proctology, You Rectum, we fix'um.

Road Kill Café. You kill it, we grill it.

Jim's Fishin' Shack. This is the Master Baiter. How may I help you?

Hello this is the Wong house, you have reached the Wong number. How can I help you?

Dick's Meat Market, No one can beat my meat.

[Isabelle Warwicke]

As a hated bill collector I must PLEASE ask NOT to blow a whistle into the receiver.

I didn't say to do it to just anyone. I meant it for the people who just won't take NO for an answer. Polite and firm just don't cut it.

It's the only way I got the "credit card insurance" folk to stop calling all damn hours of the day even after asking and putting my number on the list. For a while. They started calling back after a month. I swear, my number was the only one that they had. Sometimes, I'd get three calls in one day from the same company, same office, once it was the same woman. :unamused:

[WenchLadyKate]

Have you tried selling her a subscription to Better Homes and Gardens magazine?

[Lis Elfwench]

I didn't say to do it to just anyone. I meant it for the people who just won't take NO for an answer. Polite and firm just don't cut it.

It's the only way I got the "credit card insurance" folk to stop calling all damn hours of the day even after asking and putting my number on the list. For a while. They started calling back after a month. I swear, my number was the only one that they had. Sometimes, I'd get three calls in one day from the same company, same office, once it was the same woman. :unamused:

Yes, but. As someone whose mother worked for a telemarketing company, I can tell you that often a computer dials the numbers. The live person just goes into her speech whenever the computer informs her there is another live person on the other end. She has no idea who has been called, if they've been called before, or whether they've asked to be removed from the calling list. All of that is the fault of the *company*, not the individual caller. It's completely out of her control. So I would definitely suggest going after the company through the gov. website, not try to physically harm another person's hearing.

[Alchemist23]

My mom says she'd love to listen to all the schpeal, and then reply with something like...I have blue toes... or "could you repeat that? I wasn't really paying attention...:"

[Andreadoria]

Start talking to her like she is your long lost Aunt. Ask about the weather and tell her you have to go Grand pa has the cow in his room again....Put the phone down and start yelling I told no more cows in the bed.

speak very slowly with a funny accent of your own choosing ...

Then there is act as though you are in the throws of passion and have knocked the phone off the hook....and suddenly yell out no not the rubber chicken

then you can always try to sell an Idea to them for a story you have written just for Home and Garden.

Robbin Williams has a bunch of routines you can use too....

Or act like a drunkin' Scotsmen she'll never understand

I my fav .... where I go now???? ...in a unintelligible accent I got that one from Bill Murry's movie Quick Change...it is the line the cab driver uttered over and over again in some bizar accient...that cabbie is now Detective Adrian Monk

There is alway ...Sadie's house of corruption ....you name it we flay it

FYI.....I have a very evil practicl Joke side....Very EVIL!!!!!

[UnicornBee]

My brother enjoys messing with them. His favorite was when he let the person do their 45 minute speal, and then said not interested. He says he saved at least a few people that day from having to listen to the telemarketer.

Hes frustrated now because a lot of telemarketing companies are using automated voice messages so he cant mess with them.

[GoodyTombShoes]

when I had toddlers in the house I used to tell them Santa/ Barney/ Simba/ Belle has called to speak with them. They would take the phone and go into animated conversations. I would usually get the phone back when the line went dead.
I agree with not using a whistle. I used to sell magazines (they called me, not the other way) and I had an earpiece in. I can only imagine the pain of a shrieking whistle in the ear. Best guess is to get on the no spam list and screen all calls thru a answering machine

[RaevynCait]

Keep in mind that the rules for the DNC list allow a company to keep you on their list for something like 18 months AFTER you have had a business relationship with them. Perhaps your grandparents have had a subscription either to BHG, or another magazine owned by the same company and that's why they aren't taking them off the list?

That being said, in 2002, in the summer, when the local PBS station had their pledge drive, my mother made a pledge. Before she could fulfill the pledge, she became ill, and it became clear that there was no way to afford the care she needed, even with insurance, and still pay for extras like a PBS pledge of several hundred dollars. When the pledge bill came in the mail, I wrote a letter explaining the situation and apologizing for the inability to fulfill the pledge and mailed it back with the bill. The calls started about a week after she died. I explained repeatedly that she would not be fulfilling her pledge as she was DEAD. The calls didn't stop until my sister, the legal secretary in the Dallas office of one of the top law firms in the world, sent a letter on the firm's letterhead, with yet another copy of the death certificate (I had already sent 2). No more calls, however as off November 2008, yes, that's right, more than 6 years later, she is still on their mailing list. At this point, I don't even care, I just trash whatever they send, as I've done everything reasonable to get them to take her off the list, and if they want to continue wasting 'valuable subscriber dollars' by sending pleas for dollars to people who can't possibly provide any, it's their problem not mine.

[Buxom Wench]

My late MIL still gets mail. I put "return to sender" on everything and mail it back to them.

By the by, she's been dead 9 years. :unamused:

[Runa]

Have her ask them if it comes in large print for the legally blind or in braille. I drove magazine salepeople insane years ago, they quit calling. I'd have them list the magazines over and over again then ask which one had the most pictures. After they thought for a minute they ALWAYS asked why. I would tell them things like: I can't read words only pictures or my mommy would only let me have books with lots of pictures 'cause I couldn't read very well 'cause I only had one eye. My phone would go Click and I'd hear a dial tone.

[The Wizard]

From personal experience I can tell you that the Do Not Call list doesn't work. I put myself on that list and kept getting call after call after call and reporting them did no good. Charities, Politicians, and people that you have done business with are exempt from the law and the first two of those are the worst offenders. In New York there is supposed to be a law that prohibits telemarketers from using phones that say 'unavailable' on the callerid but they do it anyway and you can't report their calls because you need that number to do so.

Screening your calls gets past the automated messages and many telemarketers hang up when they hear an answering machine. There used to be a device called telezapper or some such name and it sent a tone that supposedly told telemarketer's dialing computer to 'delete this number' from the dialing list. You plugged it in at any phone jack and when any extension was picked up, even the answering machine, it sent the tone.

[La Femme Meow]

My friend, who can't sing at all even when she tries, does an incredibly laughably funny version of "You Are My Sunshine" when she makes an effort to really wail.

[La Femme Meow]

Of course, to add to the list, don't forget "City Morgue. You stab 'em, we slab em!"

[Bronya]

My late MIL still gets mail. I put "return to sender" on everything and mail it back to them.

By the by, she's been dead 9 years. :unamused:

or I have put all the junk in the prepaid envelope and sent it back that way too!

[RaevynCait]

or I have put all the junk in the prepaid envelope and sent it back that way too!

yep, did that, and put LOTS of junk, heavy paper in it, and weighed to be sure it cost them like a dollar for postage. Didn't work on PBS, but it did work on a couple of other places.

Angels Magazine finally quit when I sent the envelope back with extra stuff and a note that said "she's not interested in subscribing this year because she died 3 years ago and is an Angel already, thank you." Have never heard back from them *rotfl*

[renren]

Answer, say nothing, hang up.

[Laurensa]

Laugh hysterically at every sentence.

Ask deeply personal questions.

Block the number they are calling from.

[daBaroness]

A few years ago the local radio station I listen to had a guy on who was selling a CD of responses to telemarketers. He didn't set out to make money off it - he was just a guy who was so sick of his homelife and personal time constantly being bombarded by sales calls he just used his native wit to come up with some real doozies. The one I love the most follows in its Reader's Digest form.

An upholstery and carpet-cleaning service calls and the guy acts kind of panicked and distracted as he talks to the telemarketer. The sales pitch starts and he interrupts it and says, "you clean rugs and carpet, right?"
"Yes, sir."
"How quickly could you get to my house to do the job?"
"Well, how soon do you need our services?"
"Uh ... could you be here in less than an hour?"
"What kind of services do you need, sir?"
"Um ... can you get bloodstains out of carpets and furniture?"
"Yes, sir, we do provide that service."
"Does it matter if the bloodstain is wet or does it have to be dry?"
"We can get the stains out either way, sir."
"Great! Uh ... do the stains come all the way out - or would they still be detectible even if they can't be seen?"
"I'm not sure sir - I'd have to ask my supervisor about that."
"OK ... um, and how fast did you say you could get here?"
"Well, we could probably get there today if it's an emergency situation."
"Oh yea! That's great - yeah, it's an emergency situation. I mean I really need to get this place cleaned up fast. Did you find out if the stains would be detectible by like, cops or something?"
"Um, sir - let me have you speak to my supervisor."
"Yes, sir - how can I be of service?"
"You're the supervisor?"
"Yes, sir, how can I help you?"
"Well, I'm in need of carpet and upholstery cleaning that can be done really fast - like today."
"We can accommodate you, sir."
"OK - the other guy I talked to wasn't sure about a couple of things. Can you get out bloodstains? Like wet, fresh bloodstains?
"Uh, yes sir. May I inquire how much blood we're talking about? Was it a cut or a nosebleed or something like that?"
"Um, no, no - I'm talking about a LOT of blood really. There was kind of an accident here and ... well, to tell you the truth - it's really a bloody mess."
"Well, we can probably handle that, it would just cost more and take longer; we wouldn't know how much until we saw the stain in question."
"Oh - yeah, well cost isn't a problem. It's a really big mess and I figured it would cost a lot to clean up. So can you get over here like - right now?"
"Well we can definitely do the job today - let me check the schedule of our crews."
"I really need help RIGHT now - and if you have more than one crew, I don't mind paying whatever it costs - I just need to get this blood cleaned up. And, oh, yeah, and can you clean up the blood so there's no trace of it anywhere?"
"We'll do our best to get the stains out sir."
"No, no - I need someone who can get the stains completely out and that won't leave any evid ... um, so that it will be like there was never a stain there at all."
"Sir - are you asking if there will be any trace of blood after we've cleaned it?"
"Yes! I'll pay whatever you want, I just need to make sure nobody will ever know there was blood there - that it would pass a test for blood."

Pause

"Sir? I don't think we can help you ...."

Click

[Gellis Indigo]

Insist that during the phone call the telemarketer call you some crazy name, such as "El Conquistador", (http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=27933273) during each sentence.

[Gemdrite]

I kept getting really creepy phone calls that when I would pick up, would have nothing there. No breathing, nothing, and I waited for a machine to click back to a real person, nothing. I was getting 4 or more of these a night. Finally, I called ATT (I have ATT Callvantage) to see if they had a privacy blocker of some kind, where if a number came up as unknown or private, it would make the person identify themselves before it would ring through to you. They didn't have that, but they do have a feature where you can send all calls that come up as unknown or private straight to voicemail. Amusingly, it sends several of my students' parents straight to voicemail as well. Darn...

[LadyLaura]

Insist that the telemarketer is actually someone who is having an affair with your significant other, and accuse them of all kinds of stuff. If you feel like playing with them, you can stretch it out for a while, or you can just call them a homewrecker, demand that they never call again and hang up. *rotfl*

[The Wizard]

yep, did that, and put LOTS of junk, heavy paper in it, and weighed to be sure it cost them like a dollar for postage. Didn't work on PBS, but it did work on a couple of other places.

I started a website that is very critical of my local PBS station and when they sent me a begging letter I used the postpaid return envelope to send them one of the Business cards I made up for the website--the stopped cold!