Facing a year of firsts.

[lady Amalthea]

It seems this is a year of firsts. Let me give you the background, in February 2004 my grandmother on my mother's side passed away after a long battle with kidney failure. In March 2004 my grandfather on my father's side passed away after a long fight with bone cancer. In May 2004 my step-sisters'(from my father and stepmother) godmother and a friend of mine for 10 years passed away due to dementia. In April 2005 my Step-father killed himself the weekend of mother's day.
My mother and I have already faced some of the first. First Christmas, birthday, wedding aniversary, death anniversary of her mother and my garndfather. We now face on Aug.1 my step-father's birthday without him. It has been a rough time for a while. Though it has been over a year since my grandparents and friends death I still have not made peace with it fully and now the loss of my step-father has yet really to sink in. While I never really liked my step-father because he was an alcoholic I am upset that he chose this way to deal with his problems in life by not dealing with them a all.
Though I am sad about his death I also feel a small amount of relief that we do not have to watch him slowly die of alcohol poisioning and that I no longer have to live with him. Instead of the grief that I felt when I lost those I really loved I feel an overwhelming sense of anger towards my stepfather, so much to the point where I can't stand to be around people. I tend to lash out at them with no provocation or withdraw to the point I get sick. I do not feel depressed so much that I can still find joy in everyday things and events. I just cannot stand human contact right now. Which leads to me missing alot of work.
I just feel really lost right now and to top it off I am having big finanical problems too. With the exception of my mother I have no one else to turn to. There are some things that I do not wish to burden her with right now. my boss is upset with me and either cannot or will not accept that I wish to put my mental health before work. Even my friends act like I should be back to normal considering my feelings towards my step father. I know they love me but I feel no body cares how I feel right now. I am seeing a grief consulor but all she want to talk to me about is that I shouldn't feel guilty that my step father killed himself. I DON"T!! I know that my step father was solely responsible for his actions and nothing that I said or did or did not had nothing to do do with his desicions.
I am sorry that this post is so long, I just didn't know who else to turn to right now.

[Mairi the Herbwench]

First of all, find another counselor. Your current one isn't listening to you. Your reactions are normal and it will take some time for reconciliation within yourself. That doesn't help a lot now, I know, but it will get better eventually. You do need grief therapy - that's pretty evident, but you have to find someone who listens to what you're saying, not one who thinks she knows, because it's what's supposed to be.

Hugs to you, sweetie - best wishes, and hang in there. There are other jobs (at least I"ve heard rumors that unemployment is less,) and you're right - you have to take care of yourself first.

:grouphug:

[Jamianne]

It sounds like you haven't had time to mourn the loss of your stepfather properly yet. Even though you had a poor relationship, you're still going to grieve. I agree with Mairi -- it does sound like you should find a different councelor -- everyone handles grief in a different way and you need someone who can help you work through it. Hang in there -- it is tough, it's overwhelming at times, but - trite as it may sound - it really will get better. And there's always a shoulder to cry on or to just vent at or bitch to over here. :grouphug:

[Janelle of Warren]

First of all: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Losses with mixed feelings are extremely difficult.....I remember when I lost my mentally ill sister. My feelings were all over the place!

I second all of what has been said above. I would also recommend going to some AlAnon meetings. There are a lot of folks there who will understand your mixed feelings and have suggestions for getting through this. You can often find them under Alanon in the phone book. If not, call the Alcohalics Anonymous number - they'll gladly give you the Alanon number. You may also find that there are folks on the Alanon phone line who can talk to you immediately.....or you will be able to leave your number and an Alanon member will call you to talk to you.

In the short term.....try to find some ways to let the anger out. Write a letter to your stepfather telling him just how you feel. It doesn't matter that he's not alive to read it - the letter is for you. Pound a pillow or a mattess, anything that lets some of the anger out without affectin others. Anger that is kept inside just keeps growing stronger.

And while you are getting through this, know that your anger is okay. Feelings aren't facts or acts, all feelings are okay.......and very natural in your situation. :ilu:

[Lavinia]

I also agree with everything that was already said, and your anger is completely normal and understandable. Have you tried writing all of your feelings down. Write down your anger in a letter addressed to him. Write down all your pent up feelings, all the things you wanted to say to him. Then reread, and come to terms with it, if you can. Then burn the letter, and scatter the ashes in the ocean or a stream or bury them far away from where you live. I have done this before myself, and it really helps. :grouphug:

[lady Amalthea]

As if this year couldn't get any worse. A friend of this guy I have just started seeing was killed by being hit by a car while crossing the street. I had hung out with him a few times. Life going in downward sprial right now! :cry: