Lil bit psycho.

[Alchemist23]

Hey folks, its me agian...5 am, can't sleep. I've got something of a delimma you see. I spazed at work the other day, yesterday. I mean, it was like I couldn't control what I said or did, I had so much energy...hypomanic all the way, I felt so good...but I could hardly concentrate. I'd started out the day irritable as hell, very bitchy, but then swung up, and after the up stopped, I hit a down just as hard. I couldn't stop crying, but the irritableness was still there. I flipped off my boss, shouted words I shouldn't have shouted, and threw nacho bell trays all over the floor.

So, heres the thing. My boss's wife is bi-polar, so he understands somewhat, and he told me....because I was crying so hard, embarrassed, and convinced that I was going to lose another job...that I wasnt' fired, and everything was ok.

But I don't feel like everything is ok. I don't feel like I can go into work today, and save face, and be ok. I don't feel fucking OK at all!!! But if I call in, what if they decide to fire me? But if I go in, I'm garanteed not to make it through the day. It took all the energy I had not to walk out last night. In fact, 2 hours before I was supposed to get off of work, I was just concentrating on breathing...someone called in, wanting to work, and because the manager in charge didn't want to deal with them, I had to stay. And I ASKED PLEASE...please let this person come in so I can go home, and be alone.

Mom even brought me an anti-anxiety medicine, but that was after the high stopped, and it didn't help to calm me down, because by then I already mostly felt like a black hole.

I am so ashamed of my actions. I am ashamed of who I am, and that I couldn't control myself...and now all I want to do is sleep, and maybe spend absurd amounts of money on shit to make me feel better.

Why can everyone else handle job stress except me? Why am I the one who freaks out? I've lost every job I've ever had because I always get like this at one point or another...and I either get the "fuck them" attitude, or the deep rooted guilt and shame that I feel now...which leads me to do other things that aren't healthy.

I just don't know what to do. Call in, or go to work. Catch 22 isn't it? Yeah, I'd feel better if I took a "Mental Health Day", but tomorrow is Sat, and it will be busy...and I don't know if everyone will understand, or if they will view it an an excuse, or that I am lying.

And you know, that is my biggest fear...that maybe I can handle this better, but I am too weak...or to lazy to just STOP GOING FUCKING CRAZY!!! I can't live like this...I can't seem to get any help, and people are losing thier patience and I don't blame them because I am too.

sorry for writing so damn much.

[Margaret]

Sweetheart, you are not weak, lazy or crazy.

Where have you gone to get help? If you have been to a doctors, it's time to change as they are obviously not treating your condition correctly.

If you have not sought out medical attention before, do so.

Going to a doctor, therapist, psychiatrist doesn not make you weak or crazy. There are wonderful treatments out there that will allow you to get your life back. You do not have to live your day to day life in these cycles of highs and lows.

[Galleywench]

Deep breath kiddo.... by now you've decided to either stay home or tough it out at work. Depression and bi polar disorders are nothing to take lightly. Have you seen a doc about meds? Sometimes that's all it takes to keep your emotions on an even keel. If you have other emotional crisis issues then a bit of therapy coupled with the meds may be the path you might be more inclined to look into.
Depression after the manic can be devastating...get some help with it now.
In the meantime, know that we're here for you when you need to vent, cry or laugh.
You are NOT alone :)

[Constance Innuendo]

hey hon. My advice. . .if you can call in to the same manager whose wife is bi-polar, do call in and explain that you need another day to sort of "come to grips" with everything. However, I think its only wise to do this if you can talk to the same manager.

I had a situation VERY MUCH (as in I did almost the exact same thing except theres no mania to what I do just anger and tears) two years ago. I had gone off my meds (no insurance couldn't afford them) and we found out EXACTLY what happens then. My manager was VERY understanding and actually just told me to call her when I was ready to come back (I took 2 days and then went back) everything was fine, no repercussions no one treated me any differently (the ADA is a beautiful thing) (needless to say I got back on them IMMEDIATELY and life is pretty darned good).

If your doctors haven't found the right balance of meds to control your condition I have a word of advice. MOVE ON. I went through 6 years of god only knows how many psychiatrists and combinations of meds. The sad part is some of them are quacks and you'll know after one or two visits and have to weed them out. (this one shrink. . .wow...horrid she got to the "self image" part of the eval. and asked me about what I thught of my body I answered honestly "I think I'm pretty and I'm happy, but I'd like to try to lose soe weight" (at the time I was 200lbs+) and she said "well before we address your depression I'd like to get you into counseling and treatment for your anorexia" needless to say I got up and RAN from her office (didn't even finish the prlim session) . . .my point is with the right attention, this WILL get better and I'm proof luv:)

Be strong, know we love you and PM me if you want to talk privately.

[Mistress Lisette]

I am so ashamed of my actions. I am ashamed of who I am, and that I couldn't control myself...and now all I want to do is sleep, and maybe spend absurd amounts of money on shit to make me feel better.

Why can everyone else handle job stress except me? Why am I the one who freaks out? ... And you know, that is my biggest fear...that maybe I can handle this better, but I am too weak...or to lazy to just STOP GOING FUCKING CRAZY!!!

Do NOT be ashamed of who you are, Bambi! You're NOT weak, lazy, or anything of the sort! Please go seek some help! One of my sisters is bi-polar and has gone through what you've just described. And she's not weak, lazy, or crazy. In fact, she's one hell of a woman, strong, passionate, and intelligent. Sounds just like you. Go seek help; go to a therapist, and get your life back. My sis swears by talk therapy and meds--she needs both. And I'll tell ya something, when we acknowledge we need help that speaks to our real strength.

I can't add any more that hasn't been eloquently and already stated in the postings before mine. Please go seek help. The world needs more of your art and you.


~Lis

[Alchemist23]

Yeah, I called off today. Thing is...I had to speak with someone who wasn't even there yesterday, so she didn't understand, and I wasn't in the mood to tell her.

I went shopping for something to wear to the choir concert. I feel a bit better, but I can feel seething unhappiness underneath...and if I think about going back into work tonight, I spaz. (meaning anxiety stuff...palpitating heart, irritableness, etc.)

I was seeing a counselor years ago. First they put me on Paxil, and I went flipping hypo all the time, then they tried Depakote, and I gained a load of wieght, and I was horribly bitchy. The tegretol seemed to be controlling the highs ok, but I had some trouble during the winter walking all the way up there. (about an hour or so walk) They wouldn't send me the meds through the mail, so I said, fuck em.

I haven't seen anyone since. I don't have transportation, and when I was interviewed by a case therapist, she said I was too high functioning to recieve any help...like getting back and forth, or job training, etc.

So what the hell am I supposed to do? I am completely frozen until I manage to fight the phobias long enough to learn to drive and get my license.

It's easy to say, go get help, but people don't realize I can't GO anywhere. I am stuck where I can walk to, and as bad as my pain has been getting, that isn't very far anymore.

[Margaret]

I haven't seen anyone since. I don't have transportation, and when I was interviewed by a case therapist, she said I was too high functioning to recieve any help...like getting back and forth, or job training, etc.

Well I can tell you that's a bunch of BS. I work in vocational rehabilitaion and one of the people on my case load was a 45 year old woman. Had her Masters in pharmacology. She also was manic depressive. She had found a good doctor and meds to help her out. She didn't need the transportation help or job re training, but it was availabe to her and funded by the Department of Labor and Economic Growth/Rehabilitation Services. Now granted, this is in MI but I don't think that Ohio would be much different. They should have some office that is similar.

Don't let one person tell you 'no'. If you want, I can poke around and see what I can find.

[Mistress Lisette]

Ditto what Margaret said--don't let one person's "no" stop you. Sounds like this case worker just didn't want to do anything beyond the minimum. Screw her; it's your life so you have to take charge. Check to see if there's transportation available for you--often there is through various agencies but it's not advertised or made public knowledge. Is there a bus route near you? If there is, then use it. If not, then scour around for alternate modes of transportation. Do you have friends or family with transportation that can take you to get your meds or to therapy? Try other meds; don't stop seeing a counselor. Hell, switch to a psychiatrist or psychologist--counselors sometimes aren't trained in mental health care because they could be a social worker instead. Not knocking social work--it's a valuable service---but it doesn't deal with the same issues that psychology or psychiatry does.

Regarding the place that wouldn't mail you your meds, fight for it. Be a bitch and don't let no stop you. Can they deliver the meds to you? Or can you pick them up at a closer place?

And, yes, I understand what you're going through. One sister's bi-polar, the other's paranoid schizophrenic, and I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. I've seen what my sisters have gone through and, to a lesser extent, I've gone through the therapy/meds route, too. And this was while I was in my PhD program, married, and homeschooling my son, so talk about fucking pressure. It's really a miracle I didn't kill someone. Or myself.

Don't give up.
~Lisette

[Gwenyver Etaine]

I DO understand what you're going through. PLEASE don't feel it's weakness. Mental disorders are NOT because you're weakwilled and just need to snap out of it. They have very real, biological pathologies. There are a HOST of good meds out there, but not every one is right for everybody. And, don't be hesitant to consider alternative solutions as well. Light therapy has shown good results.

As you've said your boss is understanding, this is a good sign. Don't be afraid to make the call to your health provider. I wish I could give your some more solid assistance, but since I don't know your particular situation well, it's difficult. My best suggestion is to find if there's a community health organization in your area and call them. They should be able to help point you in the right direction. Also, don't let someone tell you that you're too
'high functioning' to be ill. That's a load of hockey, and anyone in mental health care will tell you that.

Know also that we're here to support you through this, and will do whatever we can to help. Don't think "they're just being nice". You're one of us, and a member of this family. Family is there for you, just as you're there for them. Let us know if we can help.

I'll be sending good thoughts your way.

[Alchemist23]

Well I can tell you that's a bunch of BS. I work in vocational rehabilitaion and one of the people on my case load was a 45 year old woman. Had her Masters in pharmacology. She also was manic depressive. She had found a good doctor and meds to help her out. She didn't need the transportation help or job re training, but it was availabe to her and funded by the Department of Labor and Economic Growth/Rehabilitation Services. Now granted, this is in MI but I don't think that Ohio would be much different. They should have some office that is similar.

Don't let one person tell you 'no'. If you want, I can poke around and see what I can find.

Really? Here, they just did a little interview with me and said, sorry, you are too sane to help, keep taking your meds and call us when you REALLY screw up your life. Because apparently the cycle of losing jobs isnt' enough for them. And because at that point, I hadn't hurt anyone or myself. So apparently, I was suppose to down the meds and remain a good taxpaying citizen that can never rise above a crawl.

Sorry, I'm a little bitter about what the government has/has not been able to do for me..or for that matter, what I cannot seem to do for myself.

I cant seem to get up the guts to learn to drive, I can't seem to stop fucking eating all the time, and I can't talk myself into bieng a productive human bieng, when the only thing on my mind is non-existance. No, not death, not that...just not bieng. For a while, for a rest, for a recouperation...but you don't get that, because life keeps going and you are just fucked up the rear if you can't keep up the pace...you just keep falling so far behind, that you wonder if you are even really in a race anymore.

Race, what race? Why am I sitting under this tree crying agian...and whose footprints are these?

Dear god, I have so many things running through my head right now, but my insides feel empty. In fact, so does my mind, I mean, I can't explain what I am thinking about, but it feels like its going on and on about nothing...

I guess I'll call TCN agian, but I dont' know how I am going to get there, I mean, I've gone, and stopped going twice because of transportation issues.

I think I'll go hit my head against a wall or a pillow.