Hey folks, its me agian...5 am, can't sleep. I've got something of a delimma you see. I spazed at work the other day, yesterday. I mean, it was like I couldn't control what I said or did, I had so much energy...hypomanic all the way, I felt so good...but I could hardly concentrate. I'd started out the day irritable as hell, very bitchy, but then swung up, and after the up stopped, I hit a down just as hard. I couldn't stop crying, but the irritableness was still there. I flipped off my boss, shouted words I shouldn't have shouted, and threw nacho bell trays all over the floor.
So, heres the thing. My boss's wife is bi-polar, so he understands somewhat, and he told me....because I was crying so hard, embarrassed, and convinced that I was going to lose another job...that I wasnt' fired, and everything was ok.
But I don't feel like everything is ok. I don't feel like I can go into work today, and save face, and be ok. I don't feel fucking OK at all!!! But if I call in, what if they decide to fire me? But if I go in, I'm garanteed not to make it through the day. It took all the energy I had not to walk out last night. In fact, 2 hours before I was supposed to get off of work, I was just concentrating on breathing...someone called in, wanting to work, and because the manager in charge didn't want to deal with them, I had to stay. And I ASKED PLEASE...please let this person come in so I can go home, and be alone.
Mom even brought me an anti-anxiety medicine, but that was after the high stopped, and it didn't help to calm me down, because by then I already mostly felt like a black hole.
I am so ashamed of my actions. I am ashamed of who I am, and that I couldn't control myself...and now all I want to do is sleep, and maybe spend absurd amounts of money on shit to make me feel better.
Why can everyone else handle job stress except me? Why am I the one who freaks out? I've lost every job I've ever had because I always get like this at one point or another...and I either get the "fuck them" attitude, or the deep rooted guilt and shame that I feel now...which leads me to do other things that aren't healthy.
I just don't know what to do. Call in, or go to work. Catch 22 isn't it? Yeah, I'd feel better if I took a "Mental Health Day", but tomorrow is Sat, and it will be busy...and I don't know if everyone will understand, or if they will view it an an excuse, or that I am lying.
And you know, that is my biggest fear...that maybe I can handle this better, but I am too weak...or to lazy to just STOP GOING FUCKING CRAZY!!! I can't live like this...I can't seem to get any help, and people are losing thier patience and I don't blame them because I am too.
sorry for writing so damn much.