friend advice needed

[Jessa]

I have a friend who's SO behaves in a controlling and manipulative manner. The SO plays off my friend's low-ish self esteem. There is no single incident I can point to, but a large number of "little things". One of the bigger things involves bowing out of an event they were planning to attend at the last minute. I know my friend was excited and looking forward to this. It was pretty clear that skipping it was the SO's idea. This same thing has played out on a smaller scale many times with more minor activities.

The dynamic going on is kinda obvious to others who see them together, but, being in the middle of it, I doubt my friend has any idea.

Beyond what I've decribed, I'm not aware of any abuse or other misuse in their relationship. In fact, I was on friendly terms with the SO when they first hooked up, and still would be if this weren't going on. Although there is no formal friction between us, I don't feel comfortable hanging out with this person any more. I just feel that the manipluation is distinctly unhealthy.

Basically, I have this bad feeling that since my friend is a grown-up, I kinda have to bite my tounge and let this play out. What is the line between controlling behavior and abuse? I really want to step in and say something, but fear this will probably do more harm than good.

[Vixynne Rose]

Hmmm, I think, if I were in your shoes, and my friend and I were close enough to discuss uncomfortable subjects, I'd find a way to talk about it. It doesn't have to be a big dramatic intervention...if you're pretty sure she's disappointed about missing the event they bowed out of, you could simply ask, "Does (S.O.--boy is it killing me not to make his third initial a B--) know how much you wanted to go to ________?"

If she answers with anything other than a closed "yes" or "no", you might have a jumping-off point for a conversation. If nothing else, she might take the opportunity to vent some of her own frustration, and maybe by doing that, she could give herself food for thought.

There is, of course, the possibility that she isn't going to accept your advice...in the end, all you can do is be supportive and decide whether or not you're willing to be there to help pick up the pieces, should there be any. It's hard to watch someone live in a situation that would make you miserable--is she miserable too? Or is she just oblivious? Or is she maybe thinking "well, I guess it's better than being alone"...

[Torra]

I can only say what I would do in your situation, which may or may not be helpful. First, I'd figure out how likely my friend would be to listen to anything I had to say that was not glowing about her S.O. Some people are accepting and others just tune you out and resent you for bringing it up. If she's willing to listen, I'd just ask her if she's ok with her S.O. dropping out of the event. See if she's noticed all those little things, but couch it in a way that makes it non-derogatory about her. Perhaps "I am amazed by your understanding about _____." See what she says. If she doesn't feel it's controlling, there's not much you can do. The line between abuse and controlling is fuzzy and on an individual basis since people have different definitions. Not being there to see all of this, I can't really say if what he's doing is destructive to her or just annoying. I certainly don't approve of his preying on her low self-esteem, but I can't see a way out of this. Maybe if you talked to the S.O. himself, if you think he won't forbid her from seeing you after.

No matter what happens, I hope everything works out in a way that isn't unhealthy for her. Best wishes for both you and your friend!

[Mairi the Herbwench]

From http://www.takecareonline.org/warning_signs.htm If the shoe fits, help her to see it before it's too late. Many abusive relationships start off small and escalate.

To help determine if you are in an abusive relationship, check out these warning signs...
You may be headed for danger if you date someone who:

• Tries to isolate you from friends and family.
• Does not want you to spend time with anybody else.
• Hits, punches, kicks or shoves you. Or, threatens to hurt you in any way.
• Is extremely jealous.
• Gets mad when you talk to other people.
• Is possessive. Treats you like a belonging and does not want you to share your time with other people.
• Is controlling. Insists that you call to "check in" or ask permission to do things.
• Tries to control what you wear, what you do and how you act.
• Scares you. Makes you worry about reactions to things you say or do.
• Behaves violently. Owns weapons and threatens to use them.
• Has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly, has hurt animals or other people.
• Is emotionally abusive. Puts you down, calls you names, tells you you are nothing without him/her.
• Makes all the decisions in the relationship. Does not care about your thoughts and feelings.
• Abuses alcohol or drugs and pressures you to take them.
• Won't accept breaking up. Threatens to hurt you, or him/herself if you break up.

Stalks you after you've tried to break if off.

[Mistress Lisette]

Personally, I find his behavior abusive. He's controlling her by limiting her interaction with others via attending events, etc., *and* by playing off her low self-esteem. From what I've read (and from what I've experienced), this is typically the starting point to physical abuse.

Like VR said, I'd find a way to talk to your friend, especially if she's open to it. And if she's not open--at the moment--I would imagine she'd feel better knowing she's got a friend who's concerned for her.

Abuse comes in different packages, and not all of it is physical. I wish your friend--and you--well.