Bully or Bullied - Share Your Experiences

[daBaroness]

The thread about the Red Lake shooting got me thinking about childhood and teen-age bullies and those they bullied. My guess, based on the thoughts and opinions expressed by so many wenches is that many of us experienced some level of childhood bullying or another in our formative years. I know some of the things said to me and some of the things done to me by mean-spirited kids in my childhood have indeed had long-ranging effects on my life, my beliefs and my self confidence.

I'm not into blame, but I think the dynamics of being bullied - and perhaps of bullying - are at the core of many of my adult fears and insecurities. It wasn't until the last five years of my life (and I'm nearly 49), that I've been able to look in the mirror and think what I see ain't so bad. As a young teen in Junior High I remember the constant pressure to wear, do and say the right thing or face horrible taunting and ridicule. Things as stupid as wearing white socks or really any socks (rather than stockings with garters - pantyhose were just getting on the market) might just garner you the unwanted attention of some ninth-grader bent on destroying your self esteem.

As much as I hate to admit it - those small, seemingly insignificant incidents, when lumped together had a very negative impact on my life for a long time. A child's peer group is a very powerful molder of self-identity. In my case I think the ridicule and bullying contributed to my self doubt and affected my fear of putting myself out there and risking. It wasn't until I was in my 40s that I dared push the boundaries of my fears and self doubt in so many areas of my life.

Ironically, for someone who lived in fear of being mocked, ridiculed and laughed at as a child, a teen and even a young adult - it's interesting that I now seek to be the source of laughter - whether it's with me or because of me. I'm perfectly willing to put myself out there and be a foole if it will brighten someone's day and evoke a smile or laughter. I guess it's more therapy than I knew ...

So - what's your experience with the bully or bullied discussion? Were you tormented by some loser classmate over something that seems insanely inconsequential nowadays? Did you bully or mock someone else - and was it as the leader of the pack or just part of the pack out of fear if you didn't victimize someone else - you might just be the victim yourself.

Please share your thoughts and personal experiences ... if my suspicions are correct - I think we'll see a common thread among us. I know for certain our experiences played no small part with us now identifying ourselves proudly as wenches and rogues ...

[emalia]

I think that if parents did their jobs, bullying wouldn't be a problem. I think that parents need to teach their children self respect and confidence. I also think that things get blown out or proportion, and are WAY over-dramatized. Teach your children it isn't their fault that someone else is insecure.

Grow a skin, cowboy up, and get over it. We are raising generations of wimps that need to butch up. There is no reason for it. You know what, Life is Tough, they should be taught to learn from it and move on. Tell your children No, stick to your guns and make sure that you don't over coddle them .

[Dmitri]

The bullying was a symptom... My Alopecia was the big culprit... With your head looking like you're going thru Chemo, you self esteem kinda falls thru the basement. Compound that with the bullying and the glaringly easy object of ridicule...

Yeah... it was tough... I like to think it made me a better person. Stronger... More tolerant.

I alos feel because of my past that I have Carte Blanche to make fun of anyone and anything. Why? because first and foremost I learned to make fun of myself... You crack a joke at my expense and it's funny I guarantee I'll laugh the loudest...

Guys, everyone has it tough some times in their lives... Get over it and get with living.

[Pathos]

I moved to a new school in '81 when I was a sophmore in high school. The school I left had 25 kids in my class...the new school had over 300. You could say it was a serious case of culture shock...from the country to the big city so to speak.

I wasn't shy at my old school because I'd known everyone there all my life but I was very overwhelmed at the new place and as a result I came across as VERY shy for awhile. Naturally...the bullies could sense that and jumped on me soon after I got there. I got pushed around for a few weeks by the biggest and baddest of them all.

Finally...I came to the realization that I either stand up for myself now or forever be labeled a punk. I chose to stand up and...if necessary...take a beating. I called the bully out after school one day and it turned totally into a scene from a movie with a whole mob in a circle around us in the schoolyard.

Much to my own surprise...I took the asshole down relatively easily and from that day on...no one messed with me. I even ended up being pretty popular by the time I graduated.

I've always felt that standing up to a bully is a fundamental part of growing up sometimes. No...we don't want to advocate violence but sometimes just a little applied in the right manner can go a long way. I could be wrong but I think some of these kids who go on shooting sprees just never have the nerve to stand up. Let's face it...the risk of getting your ass kicked is a big part of what makes standing up for yourself such a defining moment. And it's THAT decision that builds character. I think...a few mistakes aside...THAT confrontation with the bully made me a better person and I'm very proud of myself for it.

As I stated in the other thread, there really was nothing physically I was bullied about...which was why I was so upset by it, maybe if they called me ugly or fat or anything, but just because I had a job and took care of horses???

It made me such a stronger person, I stand up for myself. I had a fall back when I ended up in an abusive relationship with a diagnosed sociopath a few years after high school which caused me to look at my lack of self esteem for years after wards, but that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

People think I am a bitch, well yeah I guess I am perceived as such, but that is because I was so quite for years in jr high and then in my 2 year on off relationship with the psycho (who did go to prison for a while).

I say what I think and feel and it took me a long time to do so. I get admonished for it on both boards, but I know I speake my thoughts and feelings and there is nothing wrong with that.

And for every person who thinks they can quash my voice, they can live the life I had where my voice WAS quashed by cruel kids and a cruel man and the years it has taken me to find my voice again and not be afraid to use it.

I ave seen horrible thingsin my life I would never wish on anyone....being 19 and having my dog killed as a punishment to me for asking to buy more dog food.
Have a pregnant friend show me terror in her eyes as she saw me being beaten.

I think the way I was in my realtionship was the exact same way I was in jr high. I felt totally helpless to help myself. In jr high it was because they were the coolkids and if I did speake, it was only worse on me down the road. With Isaiah, it was the same, the more I fought, the worse it was, so like jr hihg, I shut up and let it happen as a part of the way life is.

I finally learned it is not the way life is.

I have a voice now, and I am not afraid to use it, or to help peole who may not have the strength yet to use their own voice.

I think those two incidents have taught me so much. I still have some esteem issues, but I work through them and for those who get to know me, they see that initial perceptions are most usually wrong about me. I am a freak in large groups of people or new people, but that is a deeper safety mechanism that I have been working on as I age.

I think it is horrible that people cannot get over the torment of what has happened in high school or jr high. I know for some people it is hard to get over something so ingrained in them at such a young and impressionable age. I cannot imagine having to remember things like putting salt on the open wound again and again for years.

Sometimes, they need to go outside themselves and seek help from others, be it friends or professionals.

Some others will never go and get help and will continue to remind themselves of those incidents for life and some maybe for the good, others maybe for the bad....

I just hope peole are able to one day step back and say, so what...everything, nomatter how horrible, can make the person better, not bitter..

Muffin

[Lady Laurel]

I think it has made me a more tolerant person. I was bullied pretty bad in junior high and part of high school. I was shy, quiet, and I did not conform to the way others dress. I was in a nutshell my self. I got beat up pretty bad, called names, even had some boys do some things to me that are truly unmentionable.

Later on in High school ( Different school) people liked me for me.
The one thing I regret was not fighting back but I was so small compared to the others it would have probably gone worse for me.

What I figure was I was a late bloomer. I became more outgoing later in life and now bullies don't bother me. I know they probably have some kind of mental problem.
That is what a restraining order is for.

[Magdalene]

I think that if parents did their jobs, bullying wouldn't be a problem. I think that parents need to teach their children self respect and confidence. I also think that things get blown out or proportion, and are WAY over-dramatized. Teach your children it isn't their fault that someone else is insecure.

Grow a skin, cowboy up, and get over it. We are raising generations of wimps that need to butch up. There is no reason for it. You know what, Life is Tough, they should be taught to learn from it and move on. Tell your children No, stick to your guns and make sure that you don't over coddle them .

Agreed.

I do think that when adults *see* it, or have it reported to them, they do need to address it. But I do think kids need to learn how to handle themselves and realize that there are people out there who aren't nice, and they're going to have to learn to deal with them somehow.

I got picked on every so often while in school. My dad's advice was basically I needed to learn the difference between what I could handle on my own, and what I needed help with. One girl making fun of my clothes, I needed to handle on my own. A group of five boys looking to gang up on me to beat me up I needed help with.

I probably did some picking of my own back, to be honest.

Teach kids it's not nice to do it, yes. Teach kids that they don't have to put up with it, also. Keep an eye out for stuff going too far. But some of it....they need to handle on their own.

[Alianne]

I think that if parents did their jobs, bullying wouldn't be a problem. I think that parents need to teach their children self respect and confidence. I also think that things get blown out or proportion, and are WAY over-dramatized. Teach your children it isn't their fault that someone else is insecure.

Grow a skin, cowboy up, and get over it. We are raising generations of wimps that need to butch up. There is no reason for it. You know what, Life is Tough, they should be taught to learn from it and move on. Tell your children No, stick to your guns and make sure that you don't over coddle them .

Not specifically directed at you, Tia, but I find it ironic that the vast majority of the 'buck up and get over it comments' come from those who are *not* parents.

What if the child, for some reason, does not have the complete capacity to 'grow a skin...and get over it'? What if the child is very young, or is disabled in some way?

I say this because my eldest, from first grade through fourth grade specifically, was the target of bullying because of a disability. David and I were aware of his disabilities, he had been receiving specialized instruction -- both in home and out of school -- medication, therapy and so on, from the time he was 3.5 years old.

At the same time, he was not 'coddled'. He was loved and encouraged -- but between his disability and the bullying, his sense of self was in the dumpster by the time he was 7.

The bullies, aware of what buttons to push to get him to lose his temper and react, gleefully did so...and when he did react, *he* was the one to get punished. Which we understood -- he acted inappropriately. When he named names, we would ask that the perps at least get equal punishment. What we got was 'their parents were spoken to'. My son got in-school suspension.

After he named names, the bullies took their attacks off the school grounds and little to nothing could be done, even after calling the police a few times (some of the attacks got physical and that's when we called -- not just for name calling).

What did he learn? Two things, mainly. One, to stop naming names. Two, to hate himself even more than he already did.

The upshot? By the time he was 10, we had to hospitalize him because he thought that he -- and we -- would be better off if he did something like walk in front of a car because the bullying would stop. I just thank G-d that we encouraged communication so that he felt comfortable enough actually verbalizing this sentiment and we were able to get him even more aggressive help than we were giving him at the time.

Can you imagine being 10 years old and thinking that killing yourself would make everything better?

It took years more work, including an out-of-district school placement, to get him to where he is today -- as happy as any 19 year old probably is (though still insecure about interpersonal relationships with peers, but successful ones now that he's in college is helping greatly there), in a demanding program in a demanding university.

But I will tell you that when it was time to fully mainstream him when he was entering 11th grade, he was *still* very scared about the kids who had bullied him so badly years before. He was afraid it would start up all over again. In a way, having to move out of state for my job 2 months into the school year was a blessing for him because it gave him the chance to start anew in a school where no one knew him. He was finally able to make some friends and get involved in activities.

So, I think it's very easy, especially when one isn't a parent, to sit back and make pronouncements and pass judgements.

Do I think there's some bad parenting out there? Of course I do.

But I also know that there are kids out there who, despite the best efforts of parents, have problems and end up falling through the cracks because the schools don't have the resources or the money to help provide services that many of these children are entitled to by state and federal law....by a government that continues to cut back on funding for early care, early education and services, especially to those in low-income, high-violence areas where many children come out damaged by parental drug use and the like...and even for those children who are born healthy, end up not getting adequate care, either medically or psychologically because there's not enough money being spent to help mitigate these problems out of the gate.

So many families, are forced to have both parents work just to put food on the table and a roof over one's head.....yet, there is oftentimes inadequate, affordable child care available....affordable housing...affordable medical insurance........So, you have parents who themselves are stretched to the limit, doing the best they can, and are so stressed out themselves that they miss the early warning signs in their children.

I don't think there's any one 'reason', nor any one 'solution'.

[WenchLadyKate]

Back in high school, I was one of those kids who got along with almost everybody, until my junior year when it seemed I got the plague. I went from being well liked to completely ostracized over the period of one summer. I'm still not sure why, and I wasn't one of those kids able to "cowboy up". Now, sometimes, and I know it seems silly, but I still feel like I'm being singled out, or made an example of, and I'm sure it goes back to that September that I went back to school to find out that I was basically alone.

My whole junior and senior year of high school was torture. People made fun of me, I got into a few minor fights, my grades plummeted since I basically shut down, unable to deal with what was happening. I had a few friends, but they were the "wrong" crowd. Eventually, I was so miserable, that even my mother told me that it would be okay to drop out of school. This was after it was already suggested by a couple teachers and the principal.

Anyways, I still think about it from time to time, but it's much better now. I've learned that it dosent matter what happened then, it only matters what happens now, and I've got more control over what actually does happen. And I actually didn't need therapy to come up with that.

[AshleyTheWench]

I have been made fun of since Preschool. sadly it still goes in in college, and it has shattered myself worth, I sometimes think its shattered beyond repair. Ih ave a had time trusting anyone, wondering if they are laughinga t me behind my back, being my friends out of pitty. being picked on is a very damaging thing, but I think the worse was when I was laughed at for crying at school when my mother died. That shattered me fully. So now I have a fear of people, getting toknow them, which is probably why I dont have a bf and all that jazz