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Thread: It's Been Too Long, and I'd Love Some Wench Sister Good Juju

  1. #1
    Verbose Veteran daBaroness is a glorious beacon of light daBaroness is a glorious beacon of light daBaroness is a glorious beacon of light daBaroness is a glorious beacon of light daBaroness is a glorious beacon of light daBaroness is a glorious beacon of light daBaroness's Avatar
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    Default It's Been Too Long, and I'd Love Some Wench Sister Good Juju

    I haven't been on the IWG boards for way too long. Even when I was, I rarely asked for help. But I have a life event going on with my youngest son, Taylor, who is now 21 that I need to ask for your prayers, good thoughts and best good juju for. My faith and understanding (though small) of human nature tells me all will be well. But I am so stressed out right now that I've had a herpes breakout (haven't had one in years), a constant headache and would like to take an entire bottle of my antidepressants. I've always been a single parent of two sons. I did the best I could with no financial support and little emotional support from their separate fathers. My oldest son had his share of troubles, but today at 28, as a disabled combat vet of Iraq, he is attending college, has joined the Masons, has participated in many charitable events and efforts and has a solid plan for his life moving ahead. He recently asked his roommate to leave - a friend since they were 12 - because the friend has become an alcoholic and has many problems that were becoming Cam's problems. Cam told me he's approaching 30, his barfly nights are over, he wants to continue on his path to being the man I raised him to be and find a mate who is worthy of him and vice versa and he can't do that babysitting a drunk party boy who thinks he's living in a frat house. I'm so proud of him - especially considering the fact that 10 years ago he was doing time in the county jail for one of the many stupid choice he made as a teen-ager.

    Now my youngest son, who suffers from clinical depression and ADD (just like me) refuses to take his medications, lies pathologically, quit his job and expects me and his girlfriend to step and fetch for him. He refuses to make plans for his life, won't look for a job and doesn't want to work, and the poor-me story he's told others for so long has become his reality. It's not the truth, but for him it's become his standard operating procedure. He does nothing but sleep, drink, mope and has become more and more surly.

    Nearly two weeks ago when he up and quit his job telling me a lie, I called his boss to confirm it was a lie. I also found out that his financial aid had been revoked because he'd pissed away his first semester of college and then lied and told me it was a misunderstanding and had been fixed - it hadn't. I have done everything I can over the years and realize that by allowing him to live with me as a lump, contributing nothing, and spewing the same manipulative, poor-me garbage he's been spewing for nearly a decade is damaging him rather than helping him. So I gave him a two-week notice to vacate.

    He has not looked for a job - he's slept. He won't take his medications. And the closer Monday comes, the moodier, uglier and sensitive he is becoming. It's breaking my heart. But we've been through all this before and I've always given in to his manipulations and let him come back. And I now understand I've been robbing him of the opportunities for learning life lessons that will give him pride in himself, a sense of accomplishment, and the knowledge he can handle the obstacles that always dot our paths. I'm sticking to my guns, and I know he's terrified. But he has shut down. I also know he's trying to manipulate me through his misery - and as an ubber mom, I want so badly to just take all the negative away. But I cannot do it this time because it will be contrary to the goal of giving him back his own life.

    I've been through this in my own life - I always went to my beloved mom who always fixed it for me. Until the day that her own problems were so overwhelming her she just shouted in the phone to me, "I've got my own problems, you're a married woman and an adult - go figure out your own life." I was lost, hurt, angry. But I began to fix my own problems, and over time learned to pick my battles. These days, I usually opt out of battles and choose peace - letting other's fight their own battles their own way and squelching my own good intentions, knowing we all choose our own lessons - either consciously or unconsciously. Other peoples' lessons are not mine to learn - and I'm doing them a huge disservice by trying to help. So today I pray prayers of affirmation - for myself, for my sons, for my friends and family.

    It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It is the greatest emotional pain I've had to endure. And it is the biggest test of my resolve to help my son through tough love and allowing myself to transition from mama to mom; and him from boy to man. He's going to be angry with me - and I can bear that. I'm angry with him; I'm puzzled by him; and I'm frightened for him. But I'm giving that up to my higher power because I have no control over his thoughts or actions.

    I just need some booster power from my wench sisters. Please affirm that he will learn this difficult life lesson and move forward to recognize his many gifts and qualities and become the man I know he can be. Please affirm that he has the strength, the intelligence, the resourcefulness and the will to do this.

    My humble thanks and gratitude.

    Love,

    Wendy

    Wenchin' Since the 70s

    Baroness d'Livonia, Velvette Duvet, Esther h'Ormone
    MCL #1257

    There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. ~Madeline Albright






  2. #2
    Verbose Veteran Bean is a jewel in the rough Bean is a jewel in the rough Bean is a jewel in the rough Bean is a jewel in the rough Bean's Avatar
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    Default Re: It's Been Too Long, and I'd Love Some Wench Sister Good Juju

    Cutting off a loved one is the hardest thing a parent can do. My parents have always been there to bail us out up to a point, and luckily none of us got that far. I have no doubt, however, that they would have cut the apron strings and let us fail all on our own. You have to stay strong no matter how much he tries to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do. This will be a hard lesson for him to learn, and it may take him time to learn it and you will just have to sit and watch. Cry and scream into your pillow at night, rage unto the night here on the boards. We will help pick you back up as best we can. Family is not always DNA, and we are a family here in wench land.

    Good luck.
    Bean, the last brunette of the herd
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    Verbose Veteran Margaret is just really nice Margaret is just really nice Margaret is just really nice Margaret is just really nice Margaret is just really nice Margaret's Avatar
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    Default Re: It's Been Too Long, and I'd Love Some Wench Sister Good Juju

    Much love and all the good mojo I can spare honey.
    Mistress Margaret Baynham
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    At the end of the day, all you have is trust and honor. G. Tenet

  4. #4
    Member of Local 9 Verbose Veteran Phoenix McHeit is a splendid one to behold Phoenix McHeit is a splendid one to behold Phoenix McHeit is a splendid one to behold Phoenix McHeit is a splendid one to behold Phoenix McHeit is a splendid one to behold Phoenix McHeit is a splendid one to behold Phoenix McHeit is a splendid one to behold Phoenix McHeit's Avatar
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    Default Re: It's Been Too Long, and I'd Love Some Wench Sister Good Juju

    You got it, Lovie. And I applaud you for doing it now. If you wouldn't, the more you allow, the more he will take. Some men never grow out of it. My boys' father is a 46 y/o man, still living in the 'everybody's out to get me, I can't do it, my reality is more comfortable than the truth' mindset. He's back living with his retired, cancer-stricken father...and the dad is the one paying for everything because the adult son won't get up off his ass to handle his own life. He *says* he's living there to 'help dad out', but anyone can see that he's just sponging off AGAIN, because Bob just can't say no to him.

    Yup, it'll be tough, it'll hurt, and you'll have times when you want to rush over, pick up the pieces, brush him off, and say "Don't worry honey, Mama's here". That won't help, as you know. But when those urges hit, come here. Vent, cry, scream, get it out safely here, before you tempt yourself to actually say it out loud to him.

    We're with ya, Baby. You can do it. And so can he.
    AKA The Grammar Goddess - c/o Ravin Raven
    Wench #2889 MCL... S.S.P.F. #3,Mistress of Oral Fixations... IFRP# 1194, Carpenter's Apprentice (Measurer of Wood) on The Wenches Pride,
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    Aww, did I just step on your poor, itty-bitty ego?(c/o Absinthe)
    PARENT is a VERB!!! Correlation: The children you have are the ones you raised Ergo: The children you have are the ones you deserve.
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    "The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it." ~Flannery O'Connor
    What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?~ Jeph Jacques




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